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Question
Posted by: Tracey | 2004/02/19

Very Confused

I will see my ex on saturday for the first time in over a year, this week was the first time we could actually talk to one another. I broke up with him because of his fear of commitment, in a 3 year relationship he was still not sure whether or not he loved me and said that if i did not have a child he wold have moved in with me long ago. The day i broke up with him he declared his love for me and was willing to move in with me in a split second. I know that it was a mistake to break up with him maybe he needed more time to commit i don't know,but now today he told me that he is very happy and so is his girlfriend. He wanted to know why I am moving back to my moms and what happened to my boyfriend. He also said that he warned me and i would not listen. Now i am wondering does he want to come and kick me while i am down or does he genuinely care about me. He told me that maybe he should thank me for breaking up with him, otherwise he would never have meet the new women in his life. He wants to visit my daughter (not his child) as they grew extremely close while we were together she is 8 years old, i am afraid that he might cross question her about my current relationship. My current boyfriend and i share a daughter and we were planning on getting married, he says that i have unresolved issues and that i must sort it out first before we can get married. The problem is i know that it's my fault my current relatioship is in such a mess as i am so numb to any feelings of emotion as i am constantly thinking about my ex why?? please help me i want to be happy and go on with my life be it alone or with my boyfriend.I now have 2 beautiful daughters and love them very much, the problem is once my boyfriend and i have a fight he refuses to pick my eldest daughter up from aftercare as she is not his responsibility he says i even had to stay out of work one day because of this. I work shifts and depend on him to fetch the kids, he does not mind fetching our daughter of 4 months old but will refuse to fetch my other daughter. He has 2 children from his previous marriage and they are living with their mother and he is always comparing my eldest daughter to his eldest daughter. He is always comparing the children period and when i tell him that they are all special in their own way he agrees but his children are always better, faster, more intelligent than any other child, it really upsets me sometimes as he compares the way they look as well. I don't know if i love him i have major question marks and have asked my mom if i could move in with her for a while just to get some time away from the relationship as my eldest daughter is still so young and has already been thru so much and she asks me the same question why i broke up with my ex because she really built a nice relationship with him as her father does not contact her and now my current boyfriend does treats her nice when he is in the mood too or if he is having a bad day he will make nasty childish remarks. What should I do i feel that i am too weak at this stage to deal with all of this on my own i can't speak to my parents and don't really have any trustworthy friends my ex use to be my whole world and i could talk to him about anything and everything and i thru that away for good as he is getting married in 2 weeks time. What must i do about my current boyfriend should i stay with him and try and build a life or should i just take my children and leave i am so afraid of being alone as i have never been alone. I had my first boyfriend at 15 we had a baby when i was 17 and then got married when i was 19 a few years later we divorced due to his abuse and a lot of other bad things. I never really took time out i went into another relationship with my ex 2 months after i left my ex husband, he helped me thru the divorce and all the emotional trauma but in 3 years could not say that he loves me then i broke up with him and a month later started dating my current boyfriend moved in with him, bought a house, had a baby and now i have so many regrets. PLEASE HELP ANY ADVISE WILL BE MUCH APPRECIATED.

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Our expert says:
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This situation sounds way too complex to be dealt with over the net -- you need to see a good local counsellor and work through these questions in detail. What you say of your current bf sounds rather ominous as regards his attitude towards your older child. Sounds like a good idea to move in with your mom, and take time to think things through. it sounds as if you've been inclined to rush from one unhappy relatonship into another, without thinking out the implications. This current bf, as others point out, does not sound like a good idea for you and for your child--- if he's too selfish to accept her with love, you already know there are limitations on the degree of love he's prepared to give. That's never a good sign.

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Our users say:
Posted by: been there | 2004/02/20

My mom re-married and I was her only child. My step dad used to do the smae things to me as your boyfriend is doing to your daughter. He and my mom then had children of there own. The little time that I did go and visit, he would smash the lights because I left them on as i was very afraid of the dark. He would buy custard slices fro them and not for me and then eat it in front of me etc etc. If it was not for my biological father, I would have had major issues today. Your daughter does not need his antagonising behaviour, and you will be damaging her. Do not think that it will get better because it will not. She will start to be withdrawn and will probably cry many lonely tears without you even knowing, because she will feel that if she tells you, you will get into trouble or she will get into trouble. PLEASE DO NOT CHOOSE A MAN ABOVE YOUR CHILDREHN. I know that you also have a life to live, but live it with someone who will love you and your children equal.

Reply to been there
Posted by: J | 2004/02/20

Maybe moving in with your mother is a good idea. You have never tried to just be a mom and relax without being in a relationship. How can you even think of marrying a man who will not accept your eldest child? Thats just heartbreaking. Dont settle for the first available man.

Reply to J

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