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Posted by: cereal killer | 2006/10/30

verbally abusive wife

i have given up on my marriage. however deep down i kept hoping it would work out, we would take the necessary steps to sort out our issues. a quick recap: over a year ago my husband turned into an evil mr hyde for months on end (not caring about me, not wanting to be intimate, putting work and his life first, ignoring me, hurting me, etc) i suspected an affair and went crazy with worry, got sick, lost motivation and left him because he didn't want to do anything or even acknowledge we had issues, but my family told me i have to go back and just make it work..

he got away with hurting me and it has filled me with such self-righteous anger. i came back, told him he needs to sort himself out. he has gone for therapy, we both did - the therapist made it seem like our problems were nothing big, like i was overreacting. it turns out my husband has been saying pretty much NOTHING to the therapist. i got really angry and decided that if my husband wants to act as if he's the perfect man fine, i'm not trying anymore to make it work.

the thing is,i've become very verbally abusive. i swear, and name-call, and yell. and i hate it, i have never been like this in my entire life! i love language, and have never been so uncouth before. of course, i feel like a real turd. the sad thing is, i dont care that its him i'm swearing the crap out of. i dont care how he feels, i dont care how terrible i must sound. and i am not apologising anymore. i tried to stop - and i was successful, but he hadn't changed anything in his behaviour, he still hadnt taken steps to sort out his issues - and i started again. i am punishing him. what does that make me? i am a horrid person. if i cared, that would make me more human. he is the kind of person that wont change, he has been an only child and blames everything thats wrong with his world on everyone around him, and i hate him so much. in 2 weeks, it is the end of my 8 month trial - and i am getting a divorce. it makes me sad, that nothing absolutely nothing has jarred him into taking responsibility and sorting things out.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

The therapist was pathetically naive if he/she accepted at face value everything your husband said, without taking your viewpoint seriously. YOU, on your own, cannot "make it qwork" --- it takes two to tango. Concentrate, with a different shrink, on yourself, your own needs and problems.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Momof3 | 2006/10/30

have you tried doing the opposite.being quiet,being nice and doing nice things for him,spoiling himetc.Show him what agood wfe you can be.

Make sure everthing is perfect,clean,tidy anddusted.Dont talk uless spoken to.If you do do so slftly.
If screaming is not getting you anywhere try the opposite.Go sit in aroomat the computer and chat to friends or have peopl over fo adinner party,be yourself and see what happens.maybe that might shock him into saying yes,I will miss her.I want her I want her back.At the moment he might be saying,OH PLease let her go.Try that and see.

Reply to Momof3
Posted by: Chelle | 2006/10/30

Sometimes frustration at certain situations bring out the worst in the best of us! I think your swearing, and using words you never use in other situations is a way of trying to get a reaction from him. You'd rather have some negative reaction than nothing by the sounds of it. At least if he got angry you might feel that he still cared or something. But, iIt's not working - not for you or for him - so the only way is to stop it.

You do have a choice regarding what you say, and how you say it, so, rather resolve to do what makes you feel like the person you want to be.

It's a difficult time, and not many divorces go through without nasty things being said either. As Buzz says, just continue to work on yourself - do what is good for you, and what helps you become a better, and more fulfilled person!

Best wishes.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Buzz | 2006/10/30

Cereal Killer, you seem upset by your own behaviour and clearly no amount of this behaviour (verbal abuse) is going to change your husband. The best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to stop this behaviour immediately, since it worries you but isn't good for you at all (not to mention your relationship).

Your trial period ends in 2 weeks and your husband isn't doing much to resolve the problems in your relationship. There really isn't much you can do anymore, except hold on to your dignity. Have you considered that he might not want to make the relationship work? That maybe he wants out of the marriage?

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time, and I hope everything works out for you in the end. Take care.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Casey | 2006/10/30

Perhaps in two weeks time he'll get a wake up call, but then, after reading how you feel, I think it will be too late.

Reply to Casey

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