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Question
Posted by: sick&tired | 2007/05/29

UrrggghhH!!!

Is it so difficult for a man to be supportive and understanding! Urgh! Just for once I would like some support and understanding, I just always need to understand and help and be considerate! Why is it that men enjoy woman's encouragement, support and thoughtfulness but can't give it back? Why when woman need some sympathy/empathy from their spouse they're perceived as overbearing/over-sensitive etc but men just expect that. They don't even have to ask for support but we need to spell it out to them and even when you do they can go off on you because you're worrying unnecessary or whatever! I don't like being vulnerable and I rarely need help and support but am I not also allowed to have weak times? Am I not allowed to want my man to envelope me with security and comfort and tell me everything will be okay? but noooo I'm being over-emotional. It's not even like I'm worrying about something stupid. I'm going in for an operation and I'm quite nervous because I don't do well with anaesthesia, I'm scared which I think is natural, I don't like that I'll basically be incapable of doing much the first 2 weeks after the operation because then I have to rely on my man to look after me. I already see the fights coming "do you need to nag", "it's not that bad, stop moaning". I really don't complain easily, I'm a perfectionist and hate showing weakness or showing that I'm down or need help but hell I really want my man to be there for me, I can't carry everything anymore. I'm tired of fighting and feeling unsupported. I don't ask much or do I? I just want to feel protected and supported by my man. I want to feel he'll be there for me and help me through anything but I don't! Is it asking for too much? I don’t expect him to sort out my problems or do the work or whatever it might be for me, I just want the support and care and love that I think a relationship should offer? I’ve helped my man through some pretty tough times, I’ve always been understanding and I try to help wherever I can, Is it wrong to want something back in my time of need?

Sorry for the long post. I'm just so upset now!

Sorry if I offend some men with this I know (hope!) all men aren’t like this (wish I could find one of you!) but I'm so tired of getting the short end.
l.

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Our expert says:
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I don't know "a man" --- I know men ; similarly, I have never met "women" but many different individual women. Some are nice, some nasty, some clever, some dumb ; some are thoughtful and kindly, some are cruel --- all members of both sexes differ individually. Sorry to hear that you have had such unsatisfactory experiences so far. Maybe some counselling could help you to understand the species better and to work out more fruitful techniques for finding the better ones !

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2007/05/30

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I also want to assure you that all men are not like that. Perhaps your husband is just so used to you being independent that he has no idea how to cope with this situation? In the longer term I would suggest some marriage counselling for you and your husband to help you sort through these issues. How to deal with the hospital... at the moment you need to focus on yourself. Do you have friends or family members who can give you support and help to care for you after the op? If it all comes down to your husband, you need to lower your perfectionistic standards. Accept that he won't wash the floor and do the dishes after every meal. Decide what the minimum is that you can live with and just ask him for that. If he takes care of your needs and comfort, don't nag him about anything else.
Good luck, I hope your op goes well and that your husband will realise that you need him.

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