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Question
Posted by: Dunno | 2003/12/12

Urgent rel advise

Hi there, I have been living with my bf for 6 months now and all the time its been great, he put a ring on my finger but we not engaged but all the time there have been implications of marriage and children. Then the last month our sex life suddenly started to dwindle and it wasnt me saying no! I got worried and on the sex form they said hes probably getting it elsewhere then. Last night I was working on his pc and was looking for a particular e-mail when I stumbled across a whole bunch of conversations between these two separate woman and him, he had met them on the net in Oct sometime, anyways, I did the maths and quickly figured out also from reading the e-mails that the so called business meetings he was at, were actually him out with this woman.

So now I dont know what to do! I feel betrayed, but I shouldnt have been reading his mails, but it was an honest error, I just happened upon them I dont snoop I have always trusted him - quite blindly apparently! I need to bring this up and confrunt him on it, but I am not sure how or if I should I really love him and dont want to loose him, but I feel he needs to know I know about his shit. Should I give him the boot??? Or hang on to him since the ratio on men to woman in jhb is 6:1

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Duno,
We've been through this poblem several times before. The big problem with snooping, or even acidentally discovering an incriminating email or SMS, is that the guy who is i the wrong is able to stir up dust by complaining of the snooping, avoiding discussion of his transgression.
ut in this case, surely you can frankly say --- I was looking for that email about X, and to my horror I accidentally came upon these other emssages -- what's going on ? " Then again, as French suggests, you ca try that ancient woman tactic which mystifies and infuriates men ---" A woman just knows these things", or "I received an anonymous phone call"... Either way, you could confront him and see how he reacts --- and don't let him deflect ths discussion into debates about how you knew --- if he was faithful and honest, there would be nothing for you to know. If he's apologetic and prepared to do something serious about it, including marriage counselling, maybe he and the mariage is salvable.
And we have checked before, yes, there are some decent men out there. But people don't tend to write to the forum and complain that they've just discovered that their husband is an awfully nice man !

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Our users say:
Posted by: broken | 2003/12/13

Dont worry, there are men out there who are fully faithful. I look at my ex-girlfriend and wonder if there are women who are faithful to. Its difficult building up trust in a person again once something bad happens. Dont loose your faith in men, i will try not to loose mine in women.

Reply to broken
Posted by: Dunno | 2003/12/12

French, thanks for your advise! I think I am just still stunned at what I discovered, even last night I had to read and reread just to make sure I wasnt actually hallucinating what I saw!
I think you are right I should probably leave his stupid ass, its just I guess fear of being alone - and also if I do then I gotta go back to my folks cause I cant yet afford my own spot and that would absolutely kill me to have to tell people that I have once again found a man who cheats! Are there actually any men out there who are capeable of being faithful - any decent men I mean!?!?

Reply to Dunno
Posted by: french | 2003/12/12

Dear dear me
Loose the cheating assh**e!!!! Do you not value yourself? How can you say that you are even considering staying with him because there are fewer men than woman.....geeez this is the kind of thinking that make woman an easy target for ABUSE!!

I would not tell him that you found the emails, simple state and stick to it that "Woman Know These Things".....be firm and keep saying this to him as much as he denies it. Calmly say that he either owns up or you move out. BE STRONG!!!
I hope I have not offended you or anyone, but please you are special, no one deserves to be treated this way!!! And then put up with it! C'mon girl!
GOOD LUCK

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