Posted by: ANON | 2007/04/04

Urgent PLS HELP - Guilt Trip??!!

Hi there


What do you DO with someone who constantly sends you on guilt trips, this is my mother Im talking about... I am preg currently and I almost want to avoid talking/seeing her as she has family drama & issues from the past she deals with, tries to use ME as her marriage counsellor and sends me on HUGE guilt trips when I try and give her advice (gentle but firm)... I am pregnant, THIS is the LAST thing in the world I need, I have my own problems & issues (problems with the father of this child who is NOT supportive)... what DO I DO?!?

Please help me... I cant take this anymore... and I am also SO scared, my entire childhood I was never taught and had a sense of ANY self-esteem or self-confidence, therefore this makes me feel worse too and out in the "real world" I am almost becoming like her... feeling sorry for myself constantly and "chasing" everyone away from me.... this is all going to have an effect on my unborn child...


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Our expert says:
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If someone keeps trying to send you on guilt trips, refuse the invitation and don't board the vehicle ! Refuse to make any attempt to serve as a marriage counsellor, and simply keep onm urging her to contact FAMSA and get herself a trained counsellor. Seeing a CBT-type counsellor for yourself might be a good idea, to help to boost your self-esteem and self-confidence.
And if she is hounding you by cellphone, change yourt number and don't give her the new one. EVen if you use your number for work you should be able to change it --- or block her number so she can't call you. Tell her you can still contact her when you need to do so, but you canot endure the unhelpful pressures she is pressing upon you.
If she tries that old trick of whining that you don't care for her, remind her that it is entirely HER behavior that has driven away other family members, and that it will drive you away, too. She needs to see a counsellor and become someone worth caring for, and not so painful to be around.
It doesn't mater at akll what she has been through in her life ( that she can deal with, with her own counsellor ) but she is not entitled to try to make your life equally miserable.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/05

Yeh, that IS extreme! but you made me giggle! You know my sister is alot like this and she has constant issues with us as the family even when we're actually really trying to help. She'll remind us of all the times we DIDNT help or make us feel like we're not doing enough. I spoke to my other sister this morning and we agreed that if we werent family, we probably wouldnt even be friends, because she's actually pushing everyone away that cares! She'll make us feel like we owe her for some reason and she'll never say thank u! Its hard, but we tolerate her..its family afterall..just distance yourself as far as you can. And dont be there for her like you've always been. Dont jump and disrupt your lives everytime she throws a tantrum or hurts herself..go and see her a day or two later. She's acting like a child, and you know that when their throwing tantrums, sometimes they just need to be ignored so that they can come right on their own.

Reply to Joy
Posted by: ANON | 2007/04/04

Yip I've gotten to the point almost where I've had to be almost blunt/bit rude to her in order to get the point across..... and if I tell her that all this attitude of hers is making me more and more miserable, she only turns around and then accuses me of not caring or loving her, like being like the rest of the family who doesnt care... says she's been thru so much, lost her mother when she was 12, my dad never being home, my gran being nasty to her and blah blah blah blah... and then makes me FEEL so bad for the one also not being nice to her... but she is BRINGING IT ALL ONTO HERSELF!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately wont be able to change my number, also work related.. wish I could though! I almost feel like taking drastic action, like saying to her I'll want to get a restraining order, but thats just too extreme!

Reply to ANON
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/04

Would it be too over-the-top to change your number and only call her when you're ready and willing to talk?

Reply to Joy
Posted by: :) | 2007/04/04

Tell your Mom in plain language and straight forward that she is making you miserable and it can have an effect on your baby.
Your mom is being selfish at this time, if she does not realise that you do not need more worries on your head. I suggest you inform her you need A MOTHER. And you cannot be a DUMPING SITE for her at the time.DUMPING SITES get full at times as well.

Reply to :)
Posted by: ANON | 2007/04/04

I'm actually not staying with her, they've recently moved out of town so I dont see her now but she keeps on hounding me, phoning and sending a trillion sms's

I have told her exactly this over and over and over and over again, I am so tired of repeating myself too... its just asif she doesnt listen, or rather selective hearing, only listens to what she wants and works on that!


Reply to ANON
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/04

Oooh henne! is there no where else you can stay for the duration of your pregnancy? How old are you?? How come you're still staying with your mom? If you really have no option but to stay ask her nicely to distance the drama in her life from yours, at least until you feel stable and capable of giving her sound advice. Tell her that you have your own issues to deal with, you love her, but you really need her to respect your wishes and needs at this crucial time. Good luck and take care of you and your growing tummy!

Reply to Joy
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/04

Tell her not to manupulate you and suggest she go talk to her minister instead of you if she wants counselling.

You don't want to be stressing like this when you are prego.

Reply to RMC

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