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Question
Posted by: max | 2007/02/21

urgent help

i will just briefly tell you my lifes sexual history to make things more clearer

5 yrs old :- enjoyed touching other boys of same age.this led to sucking each other.by playing with each other.

5- 10yrs old :touched gals of similar age wher they would not want to be touched.

5-10 yrs a guy coaxed me into giving a blow job. didnt know what it is ?

10-12 yrs started mastrubating .still was not fully aware of what is meant by sex

12-15 years was pushed into homosexuality by a distant relative and my own sexual energy.probably at that time i was not aware of the term 'gay'. this guy always used me as a passive partner.

All of my childhood i was staying with my father and he had a subordinate who was very loyal and honest.he helped my family by going beyond his duty.

i do not know what had happened at that time but my own sexual energy and the absence of any female sexual stimulation ;this guy used me once to mastur bate him and once he had sex using me as a passive partner

At this time was starting to get attracted to females
meanwhile had infatuation for a classmate.these infatuation towards the female folk continued

16-18 got rid of this distant relative . started to feel awkward about myself.this subordinate of my father left for his home.

the habit of putting things in my butt continued while i would mastrubate.
started to enjoy porn though this habit continued.

18-21 no sexual experience but only this habit

22-24 fell in love with a gal who was a friend. was dumped after 6 months of relationship.no sexual exp with this gal as she was not interested.

24-26 started to flirt with feamles.had my first smooch.
enjoyed some sexual experience with a gal ,but no sex

26-27 had oral sex with a gal . wanted to have sex but she had to rush somewhere after a telephone call

27 -now this guy who was my fathers subordinate has returned after about 15 years.my father not knowing anything mentioned above abt this guy is wanting to help him as he was his loyalist
he is wanting to employ him in our company.

the day he came here he met with quite warmth.he is much older now. he was very humble
i dont know how to react to this situation

was that the spur of the moment thing fuelled by my sexual energy
was it that my accessibilty was a reason to do what was done
was it his fault only or my fault too.
if it was his fault shd i forgive him
should i tell my father

i am totally confused .you have been kind to help me before .i request you to advice me pls

max31

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Max and thanks for this post. You've already received several great responses and I endorse the suggestion that you consider seeing a counsellor.

Due to the nature of your post I've done a cut & paste, and am commenting on your points in CAPS - excuse the "shouting":

5 yrs old :- enjoyed touching other boys of same age.this led to sucking each other.by playing with each other.
5- 10yrs old :touched gals of similar age wher they would not want to be touched. THIS SOUNDS LIKE NORMAL CHILDHOOD EXPLORATORY PLAY.
5-10 yrs a guy coaxed me into giving a blow job. didnt know what it is ? YOU DON'T MENTION HOW OLD THIS GUY WAS BUT IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THIS MAY HAVE BEEN THE FIRST INSTANCE OF SEXUAL ABUSE YOU SUFFERED AS A CHILD.
10-12 yrs started mastrubating .still was not fully aware of what is meant by sex. QUITE NORMAL.
12-15 years was pushed into homosexuality by a distant relative and my own sexual energy.probably at that time i was not aware of the term 'gay'. this guy always used me as a passive partner. THIS CLEARLY SOUNDS LIKE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP; BESIDES YOUR AGE AT THE TIME, YOU USE THE TERMS "PUSHED" AND "USED". NOTE HOWEVER THAT THIS GUY MAY HAVE PUSHED YOU INTO PERFORMING HOMOSEXUAL ACTS, BUT HE DIDN'T NECESSARILY CAUSE YOU TO ASSUME A HOMOSEXUAL SEXUAL ORIENTATION. MANY PEOPLE WHO ENGAGE IN SAME-SEX SEXUAL ACTS ARE NOT GAY OR LESBIAN.
All of my childhood i was staying with my father and he had a subordinate who was very loyal and honest.he helped my family by going beyond his duty. i do not know what had happened at that time but my own sexual energy and the absence of any female sexual stimulation ;this guy used me once to mastur bate him and once he had sex using me as a passive partner. THIS ALSO SOUNDS LIKE BLATANT SEXUAL ABUSE.
At this time was starting to get attracted to females meanwhile had infatuation for a classmate. these infatuation towards the female folk continued YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION AT THAT TIME WAS THUS HETEROSEXUAL.
16-18 got rid of this distant relative . started to feel awkward about myself.this subordinate of my father left for his home. WELL DONE FOR ENDING THIS SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.
the habit of putting things in my butt continued while i would mastrubate. started to enjoy porn though this habit continued. ANAL STIMULATION IS NOT AN INDICATION OF YOUR BEING GAY - MANY STRAIGHT MEN DERIVE INTENSE ANAL PLEASURE.
18-21 no sexual experience but only this habit. QUITE NORMAL. YOU DON'T TELL US WHAT WAS GOING ON IN YOUR INNER FANTASY WORLD - WHEN YOU MASTURBATED, WAS IT ABOUT MEN OR WOMEN? OR BOTH?
22-24 fell in love with a gal who was a friend. was dumped after 6 months of relationship.no sexual exp with this gal as she was not interested. QUITE NORMAL AND INDICATES THAT YOU WERE EMOTIONALLY ATTRACTED TO WOMEN.
24-26 started to flirt with feamles.had my first smooch. DITTO.
enjoyed some sexual experience with a gal ,but no sex. 26-27 had oral sex with a gal . wanted to have sex but she had to rush somewhere after a telephone call. STILL APPEARS AS THOUGH YOU ARE HETEROSEXUAL.
27 -now this guy who was my fathers subordinate has returned after about 15 years.my father not knowing anything mentioned above abt this guy is wanting to help him as he was his loyalist. he is wanting to employ him in our company. the day he came here he met with quite warmth.he is much older now. he was very humble
i dont know how to react to this situation. I DON'T THINK ANYONE WOULD KNOW HOW TO REACT IN THIS SITUATION. FORGET ABOUT ACTIONS - WHAT DID YOU FEEL? I IMAGINE THAT YOUI EXPERIENCED MANY COMPLEX EMOTIONS.
was that the spur of the moment thing fuelled by my sexual energy, was it that my accessibilty was a reason to do what was done, was it his fault only or my fault too. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL - HE ABUSED YOU AND YOU WERE NOT AND ARE NOT TO BLAME. YOU ARE AN INNOCENT VICTIM OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE. HE COMMITTED A CRIMINAL OFFENCE. YOU WERE HIS VICTIM. DON’T TRY TO JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS.
if it was his fault shd i forgive him. should i tell my father. ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO OR WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. KNOW THAT YOU COULD LAY A CRIMINAL CHARGE AGAINST THIS MAN.

In terms of the last point, above, I think counselling would certainly help you to resolve this. You need to accept that you're a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and coming face-to-face with the perpetrator again can be very traumatic for you. Having him in your life again, without his abuse being acknowledged, will be very unhealthy for you. A counsellor will certainly allow you a safe space to explore your feelings, including anger, guilt, shame and confusion - only then will you be able to make a rational decision. By not acting at all - even if that simply means going for counselling - you'll be forming an extremely unhealthy alliance with the man who abused you. You'll both be holding a dark secret of shame and guilt and this will most definitely be very unhealthy for you, and you won't be able to heal. By not acting on this, and assuming responsibility for yourself and your own healing, part of you will always remain that helpless child unable to comprehend what was happening. Act on this or you’ll remain a victim.

Finally, there's nothing in your post that suggests that you could be gay. Please feel free to post again.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2007/02/23

Hi Max. You seem to realise that there is a problem of some sort and that it needs to be addressed, otherwise you would not have posted here. As Expert and others suggested, go and seek councelling. You might think that you are coping, but none of us can on our own. Please do not hesitate to seek professional help. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes to deal with it. You are already halfway there by acknowledging that it is a problem. I can vouch for councelling. And, if you are not happy with a particular councellor, there are many out there. Three years ago I was an alcoholic on the brink of suicide. I went through a lot of denial and self destructive behaviour, and it is really not worth it. I am thinking of you and proud that you are man enough to acknowledge and seek help. No shame in that.

Keep well

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Nikki | 2007/02/22

Hi Max,

Thanks for posting here and share that story with us. It tells me you are a man of intellect and looking for answers.

Everyone thus far is saying the same thing, SEE A PROFESIONAL. (Not shouting but highlighting that fact because that is what you need to do ASAP)

You need to recall your experiences as good or bad as it may be and face to face therapy is needed here so that the therapist can determine your condition accurately.

No form of healing is possible unless the cause is accurately determined and that can only be done correctly with the help of a therapist.

Your exposure to sex was very premature and to from what you posted 100% the fault of adults who abused you to no end. Their irresponsible behavior provided a serious influence on you and you must never blame yourself and feel guilty about that, NEVER!

What you are doing right now, asking questions, wanting answers is more the prove that you no bad person with bad habits and in your own adolesence you now have ample opportunity to put thing right for you.

Your sexual orientation cannot be questioned until your premature experiences have been sifted through. You were born with a sexual orientation that has been confused with all this irresponsible adult behavior by people you trusted.

Once clearer answers yield themselves, only then will you be able to move to the next step and determine your sexual identity. I am not surprised that your attempt at heterosexual relationships is failing. The reason is not because you could be gay but because misrepresented signals of love and trust was what you where exposed to in your forming years by people who should have cared for your as a human being.

Therapy is what you must seek out and money or no money, help is available so please don’t let yourself down, ask here and help will be forthcoming.

You are a beautiful human being with much to give to yourself and those around you. Don’t waste it; fix it, because you can.

With regards to this man coming back into your life. Make sure he understands you not 10 years old anymore and should he at the slightest chance make inroads to wanting things the way they were, then calmly suggest you will press charges.

Xxxxxxxxx
Nikki

Reply to Nikki
Posted by: Deeve | 2007/02/22

Hi Max,
Your background is somewhat disturbing for me - far too many adult activities for a child!! ...you could still make a case against this Guy, or the relative if you so wanted to.
But on the other side of things, you've posted here because your life seems to be following a pattern of unhappiness for you. This Guy pitching up right now may be unsettling for you, but in no way constitutes that you will obligingly have sex again. You're much older now, and the world is YOUR oyster. I have no idea if you are Straight, Gay or anywhere in between, but what I do see is that you need help to iron out who you are, and move FORWARD from here onward.(those experiences cannot permanently make you Gay). Should you not prescibe to seeing someone proffessional, I can see you just wasting away more of your life. Remember, there are NEVER any guarantees on happiness, obtaining a partner, or anything else for that matter, but what is always a definite, is taking things into your control, where YOU can steer the outcome of your own destiny.
You need to work thorugh your past, and not allow it to dominate/consume who and where you are today. You CAN make peace with anything and move on. I urge you to see a professional soonest. Please discuss your questions with him, not your father at this stage. Lastly - if it turns out that you are Gay, it really doesn't matter....you will be welcomed here with open arms!
Regards

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Mario | 2007/02/22

I agree with Confused. Go see a psychologist. I dont know what your financial situation is, but if you cant afford one (some of them is quite expensive) as your GP to refer you to a psychologist at a state hosptial. You do not have to discuss your problem with your GP.

Your life story sounds very much like mine without the anal sex. You asked the question "is it my fault to". One you start asking that question then you need help. That simple question can snowball into something much bigger (like social phobia or depression) and can have a tremendous effect on your life.

Please, from the bottom of my heart, go and see a profesional, he/she will teach you tecniques to cope with that. Im talking out of experience.

Plz keep us posted.

Best of luck
Mario

Reply to Mario
Posted by: Confused | 2007/02/21

If you are bothered by this man and you have questions about your sexuality and your past, I have no hesitation to tell you to go and see a phycologist. Considering your history I think it will be wise.

As for this guy that's come back into the picture, I'd advise you to be strong and do not let him force you into being the boy he used for his own sexual pleasure. If you do feel uncomfortable in his presence, go see someone. Also, always think things through. If you act compulsively, you might get coaxed into doing something you don't want to do.

Good luck and consider professional help.
;-)

Reply to Confused
Posted by: str* | 2007/02/21

Has this guy asked you to or lead you to doing anything yet?

why don't you keep an open mind and see where he is going?

Are you sure with your own sexuality or is that what you would like to establish?

I do not think that there is anything bad about having something in your butt while masturbating - most men do. watching prn and masturbating is not bad as long as it does not come into the way of a health interpersonal sexual relationship e.g. as long as it does not infringe your partner of sexual engagement.

What I am not sure of is that it seems like this practise replaced or rather misplaced your need and opportunity to have a relationship with another person. That to me must be a concern.

you are not saying whether you are attracted to men still or to women or to both. Nonetheless, no person is either 100% gay or straight. That must not bother you. Enjoy life naturally.

Reply to str*

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