Our expert says:
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
Hi Max and thanks for this post. You've already received several great responses and I endorse the suggestion that you consider seeing a counsellor.
Due to the nature of your post I've done a cut & paste, and am commenting on your points in CAPS - excuse the "shouting":
5 yrs old :- enjoyed touching other boys of same age.this led to sucking each other.by playing with each other.
5- 10yrs old :touched gals of similar age wher they would not want to be touched. THIS SOUNDS LIKE NORMAL CHILDHOOD EXPLORATORY PLAY.
5-10 yrs a guy coaxed me into giving a blow job. didnt know what it is ? YOU DON'T MENTION HOW OLD THIS GUY WAS BUT IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THIS MAY HAVE BEEN THE FIRST INSTANCE OF SEXUAL ABUSE YOU SUFFERED AS A CHILD.
10-12 yrs started mastrubating .still was not fully aware of what is meant by sex. QUITE NORMAL.
12-15 years was pushed into homosexuality by a distant relative and my own sexual energy.probably at that time i was not aware of the term 'gay'. this guy always used me as a passive partner. THIS CLEARLY SOUNDS LIKE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP; BESIDES YOUR AGE AT THE TIME, YOU USE THE TERMS "PUSHED" AND "USED". NOTE HOWEVER THAT THIS GUY MAY HAVE PUSHED YOU INTO PERFORMING HOMOSEXUAL ACTS, BUT HE DIDN'T NECESSARILY CAUSE YOU TO ASSUME A HOMOSEXUAL SEXUAL ORIENTATION. MANY PEOPLE WHO ENGAGE IN SAME-SEX SEXUAL ACTS ARE NOT GAY OR LESBIAN.
All of my childhood i was staying with my father and he had a subordinate who was very loyal and honest.he helped my family by going beyond his duty. i do not know what had happened at that time but my own sexual energy and the absence of any female sexual stimulation ;this guy used me once to mastur bate him and once he had sex using me as a passive partner. THIS ALSO SOUNDS LIKE BLATANT SEXUAL ABUSE.
At this time was starting to get attracted to females meanwhile had infatuation for a classmate. these infatuation towards the female folk continued YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION AT THAT TIME WAS THUS HETEROSEXUAL.
16-18 got rid of this distant relative . started to feel awkward about myself.this subordinate of my father left for his home. WELL DONE FOR ENDING THIS SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.
the habit of putting things in my butt continued while i would mastrubate. started to enjoy porn though this habit continued. ANAL STIMULATION IS NOT AN INDICATION OF YOUR BEING GAY - MANY STRAIGHT MEN DERIVE INTENSE ANAL PLEASURE.
18-21 no sexual experience but only this habit. QUITE NORMAL. YOU DON'T TELL US WHAT WAS GOING ON IN YOUR INNER FANTASY WORLD - WHEN YOU MASTURBATED, WAS IT ABOUT MEN OR WOMEN? OR BOTH?
22-24 fell in love with a gal who was a friend. was dumped after 6 months of relationship.no sexual exp with this gal as she was not interested. QUITE NORMAL AND INDICATES THAT YOU WERE EMOTIONALLY ATTRACTED TO WOMEN.
24-26 started to flirt with feamles.had my first smooch. DITTO.
enjoyed some sexual experience with a gal ,but no sex. 26-27 had oral sex with a gal . wanted to have sex but she had to rush somewhere after a telephone call. STILL APPEARS AS THOUGH YOU ARE HETEROSEXUAL.
27 -now this guy who was my fathers subordinate has returned after about 15 years.my father not knowing anything mentioned above abt this guy is wanting to help him as he was his loyalist. he is wanting to employ him in our company. the day he came here he met with quite warmth.he is much older now. he was very humble
i dont know how to react to this situation. I DON'T THINK ANYONE WOULD KNOW HOW TO REACT IN THIS SITUATION. FORGET ABOUT ACTIONS - WHAT DID YOU FEEL? I IMAGINE THAT YOUI EXPERIENCED MANY COMPLEX EMOTIONS.
was that the spur of the moment thing fuelled by my sexual energy, was it that my accessibilty was a reason to do what was done, was it his fault only or my fault too. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL - HE ABUSED YOU AND YOU WERE NOT AND ARE NOT TO BLAME. YOU ARE AN INNOCENT VICTIM OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE. HE COMMITTED A CRIMINAL OFFENCE. YOU WERE HIS VICTIM. DON’T TRY TO JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS.
if it was his fault shd i forgive him. should i tell my father. ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO OR WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. KNOW THAT YOU COULD LAY A CRIMINAL CHARGE AGAINST THIS MAN.
In terms of the last point, above, I think counselling would certainly help you to resolve this. You need to accept that you're a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and coming face-to-face with the perpetrator again can be very traumatic for you. Having him in your life again, without his abuse being acknowledged, will be very unhealthy for you. A counsellor will certainly allow you a safe space to explore your feelings, including anger, guilt, shame and confusion - only then will you be able to make a rational decision. By not acting at all - even if that simply means going for counselling - you'll be forming an extremely unhealthy alliance with the man who abused you. You'll both be holding a dark secret of shame and guilt and this will most definitely be very unhealthy for you, and you won't be able to heal. By not acting on this, and assuming responsibility for yourself and your own healing, part of you will always remain that helpless child unable to comprehend what was happening. Act on this or you’ll remain a victim.
Finally, there's nothing in your post that suggests that you could be gay. Please feel free to post again.
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