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Question
Posted by: me | 2004/11/25

Urgent advice needed

I need advice urgently here. My b/f and I broke up on Friday and he said he would come and collect his stuff on Sunday. I never heard a word since then, so I sms'ed him to tell him to come today because the maid is there. He asked if he could come next week and then asked how I am. I replied he could come next week and that I was fine. I am not fine. I am hurting inside. I dont think he cares a damn about me. What do you think?

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Our expert says:
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Actually, from the outside, looking in, we can't guess how he actally feels about you. Maybe he cares, maybe he doesn't. As Q says, there's no good reason why you should continue to store his stuff if it is distressing you. it sounds as if he may be having second thoughts about the breakup -- how you deal with that depends on what you want and how you feel. think carefully over the comments by angel and me.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Angel | 2004/11/25

Send him another sms and tell him to either fetch his belongings or he must understand that you are going to donate it to someone who isn't as fortunate.

By inviting him into your home, and life, again...you are also giving him a message that you aren't over him. Of course, it isn't easy to get over any kind of a break-up but, if it is over...it's over. Simply put.

Don't try and analyze why he left. All that will do is make you feel more inadequate and it will damage your self-esteem further. If there weren't any other obvious problems in your 'relationship', then you have no need to worry so much.

Coming from an experienced angle, find yourself something to do to keep you from thinking about the issue. If you decide to go out with friends and end up bumping into him, make sure that you smile and ask how he is doing. That way, you are letting him know that life didn't end when he walked out the door. He might also get a bit uncomfortable with the thought of you having so much fun and being able to 'get over it' so quickly.

Honey, there are other decent men out there. Life doesn't end when a man decides he has had enough. The same goes for the guys who have suffered similar losses. Get on with your life. You are capable of making that kind of an effort and don't let anyone make you feel or tell you that you aren't!!!

Oh...and if you are really keen for him to come and pick his belongings up, let him know that if he doesn't, you are going to donate them to someone who is less fortunate. That way, he will arrive when you expect him to and it will be over with. If he doesn't come, don't hang on to it or for him to come over. Give it away or trash it. Like 'Kernel' said, he is using it as a hold over you. In simpler terms, he is probably still deciding whether he wants something with you or not. If that is the case, he isn't worth it!!! Serious relationships are meant to be full of fun, yes, but it isn't a game and neither are your feelings!

Good luck. Angel

Reply to Angel
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/25

He is buying time to sort what he wants. He is probably with someone else and cannot make up his mind or he has second thoughts about the new g/f.

If you are prepared to be second best and be buggered around by him, then keep his stuff until he decides to come and pick it up. Until then he has some kind of hold over you.

If you are not prepared to take his nonsense, then put out his stuff at the door and tell him to come and collect it. He is playing for time! Don't give it to him.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: me | 2004/11/25

Thanks for the advice. We broke up very amiably and there is no hatred between us. He actually cried. I told him not to go, but he said he needed to go, so I let him. I dont know why he is prolonging it all the time, because it just makes it more difficult for both of us.

Reply to me
Posted by: Blue | 2004/11/25

I agree with Kgs. I think he is having second thoughts about the break. He probably thinks if he doesn't take his stuff then the break up is not official yet - there is still a chance.

Depending on the circumstances around the break up you may want to give him time to either get used to the break up and come and get his things or muster some courage to open the re-negotiation floor. Of course you mustn't give him FOREVER to make this decision - just some time.

Reply to Blue
Posted by: Kgs | 2004/11/25

its not the first time u wrote, but why is he delaying all of a sudden. Just give him time, u know how males are, even if he is hurting he will try to be brave knowing that he still has feelings for u. Don't rush anything yet and don't rush to remove his stuff, i have a feeling that he wants to work things out, with you

Reply to Kgs
Posted by: Q | 2004/11/25

He is messing you around give him the sms that says he has till end of day if his stuff is not gone it goes to te side walk!! The longer the stuff is there the longer you will feel like a dog because you will see him in all his stuff. The quicker his gone the quicker you can start with the healing process!!!! Did he brake up or you??? I think he is very "gemaklik" get him out asap!!!

Reply to Q

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