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Posted by: PAST | 2005/12/06

UPDATE ON POSTING 10960

Went home last night and was very happy and planned something specail for my wife. Everything was fine until she told me that there are rumours that she is having an affair at work...I just lost my cool and started blaming her for the rumours, I just dont understand why she went to another man ? there are so many of our friends she could have spoken to.
She than also became upset and said that she does not care anymore and that she wants a divorce and that I will never change and than ignored me.
All that I want is that she is honest and can show me that she wants to make things right, but when she uses this reverse phycology on me it makes me believe that she really did have a affair and she was not just being friends with this guy.
I than left and went to see a friend(male friend) who spoke to me and sort made things better, got back at home about 3 hrs later and just went to bed.
Woke up this morning and we started arguing again and she said that she still want a divorce and wants to leave me...I than said that she always wanted to leave me and that this sms things has been going on for a long while...
She than got more angry and said that I am crazy and I that I think she is a slut and that I think she slept with this guy, I than said what should i think if you dont try and show me that you sorry for what you did ? she than fumed at me and said ' yes if thats what you want to hear,yes i did sleep with him'
Is this just her anger at me or could she in the moment have just spoken the truth?
I made an appointment with a marraige counselor yesterday and this morning she says that she does not want to go as there is now use in trying to save this marraige...
I really feel that this is the end of the road for us and I feel like a empty tin inside...feel like driving my car straight into a truck or down a hill, but what would that achieve now ? the damage is done, the trust is gone but the love is still there.

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Our expert says:
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Don't do anything at all to harm yourself --- arange for you both to see a counselloor and see what can be worked out

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Our users say:
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/06

So you're part of the furniture there....

Not moving to Namibia, just done loads of filming there over the last 5 or 6 years. Started in the industry in 1999, left at the end of last year. I still do a bit of organising etc for BBC, and use my contacts to get good hotel rates etc.

Are you on the production side, accounts where?



Reply to figured it out
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/12/06

been divorce for 2.5 years but with vel for about 10 years

but the marriage was is trouble for a long long time

how long have you been in the industry?

when are you going to move to Namibia?

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/06

Too many lives and opportunities are lost through immersing ourselves in work to escape from what we fear.

You are so right, girls need to see and experience love in their lives, otherwise they too battle to form healthy relationships when they get older.

How long have you been with Vel? How long you been divorced for?

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/12/06

hi

thx for sharing - i can hear the pain but you are on the right track - recovery

i came to this site years ago when i was going thru my divorce, was hard to keep things together - i have 2 wonderful girls and all of us ( the ex included) suffered a lot
both was hurt and turned on each other with a force that destroyed - my marriage was very abusive

but now years later i'm ok, the girls are doing fine and i love my work - the only problem is that i'm still very scared of any kind of commitment - even a bunch of flowers makes me run for the hills, it's not healthy for the girls to get the idea that all men are bad

so yes it's been a long road but all worked out fine in the end
x stays overseas so we don't have the added stress of weekends with dad, the kids will be with him this xmas so like many on this site i'll be alone - scary but luckily we're quite busy so i'll just work work work

but yes the love is still there but without trust and respect there is no hope

take care

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/06

I was not married, we lived together with her 2 little girls from her marriage. She was and still is in the travel industry.

I dont know about the bitter side of things, probably am over it because I have take charge of it now. But I still resent her for the things she did, even though right now she is sending me love sms's etc again. I guess love never dies, and even though you love someone you can still be angry and bitter towards them, and express it quite freely.

May I ask, whats your story? We all have stories, reasons why we are on forums like this?

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/12/06

hi fio

sorry to ask but till this morning you were only a name now your are like family

was your wife in the industry as well?

all said and done you don't sound bitter anymore, well done

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/06

She needs to deal with it her way, and discover for herself. How can you tell her what is wrong when you are guilty of being wrong yourself. She needs to learn herself what is wrong, and although she probably knows its wrong, its something she has to sort out herself, without what she probably feels is interference from your side.

She is not ready to solve things in a different "right" way, and as such she may risk losing a lot, and same for you. That is why I suggest a seperation, not a divorce, and let dust settle etc before any major hasty decisions are made.

I assume she feels as strongly for your son as you do, so sit with her, and in an amicable manner, say her that in the seperation or whatever, you must put your personal issues aside, and co-operate as bets as possible for the benefit of your son. Make it clear that you do not want to mix your personal issues with how you deal with your son. And having made that commitment, do everything in your power to NOT use the child in any way to promote or fight your battles with your wife. Keep your side of the page as clean as possible, at all times.

Both of you need to be mature about how you manage and poarent your child as responsible adults and parents. Your personal issues keep seperate, and deal with them one day at a time.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: PAST | 2005/12/06

I know that I can recover from this situation, It's just that we have a 2 yr old son that means the world to me, just thinking of leaving him is the worst, yes I will always be his father but I will miss out on so much of his life if we split.
How do you leave your family ? But how do I stay when I cant come to terms with what my wife is doing to me ?
I know i'm not perfect and have done things to her that would have made her do what she did, but how do I make her see that what she is doing is not right, there are different ways to solve problems.

Reply to PAST
Posted by: Whattodo | 2005/12/06

I'm so sorry. Your pain is so evident and I have had woman play the reverse psychology game with me and I know that it can drive you mad. Take the power back by not allowing her to hurt you like this. You deserve more respect than this. Remind yourself of your self worth and that no matter how bad things are everyone deserves some respect. I know this all must be killing you inside and that you are probably experiencing a huge spectrum of painful emotions and thoughts that make no sense to you. Try to focus on what is real and what you want and need and what she wants and needs and decide from there what you want to do. Be brave. God Bless.

Reply to Whattodo
Posted by: Mwa | 2005/12/06

Sad to hear this. That there are some people that treat their partners so badly. Past....I feel your pain. If she wants a devorce I guess that's what you have to give her. Better you try to go and see a psychologist and get counselling about how to move on and start a new life. Instead of forcing someone to become a part of your life. I dont know, maybe talk to her again and find out if that's what she wants and if it is....grant it to her. You have so much ahead of you and you will make it through!!
Maybe again(might be stupid), but find out from that guy if there was something going on and then take it from there....!!
It a very hard decision to make but guess we all have to go through some hurt and pain....
Hope you find peace and pray you make a wise decision. All the best and may God bless you and your partner as you go through these trying times.

Reply to Mwa
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/06

I've read both your postings, and was amazed at how similar our situations.

My ex used my past before our relationship to justify things she did, and to justify not trusting me. In our relationship I never lied to her or anything, and it turned out that she was the on ewith the issues, and by trying to use my past she was justifying her present. She was going behind my back through her own insecurities, and kept on looking for fault in me to hide or excuse her faults.

She reacted exactly the same way as your wife is, got angry, irrational, and even admitted to things with other men, whether it was truth or anger speaking I dont really know. I have my suspicions though, very valid ones.

Yes, the trust goes, and thats why our relationship fell apart, but the love is still there. She also refused to go for counselling, because she knew the truth would come out and she would be wrong, and would havea lot of things to deal with and sort out.

I would suggest a bit of time out from eachother maybe. If she will not go for counselling, there is little you can do. My ex and I split up 9 months ago, and although there is still the love, from both sides, the trust is gone. She still contacts me, sends me picture messages and message sin the middle fo the night telling me she still loves me, but I doubt that we would ever get thigns right because of the infidelities and mistrust of the past.

I suspect your wife is guilty of something, something that has been due to her own insecurities which she used your past to feed. If she was not guilty of something, she would be doing what she could to fix things, not fight you. She is being incredibly defensive, either coz you have been excessive in your mistrust of her, or because she has something to hide.

Consider a split from her, seperation for a while.... thats my suggestion.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: PAST | 2005/12/06

Just took off my wedding band, I just hope no one sees me crying,,, i need to get out of here

Reply to PAST
Posted by: Delene | 2005/12/06

This is just painful and just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts.

Reply to Delene

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