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Posted by: Belinda | 2004/12/18

Update on me (positive :) at last)

Hellooo hope you're all well and healthy
This is just an update, kind of...I'm extremely well, despite it being the christmas season...usually very poisonous to me - surrounded by food and family and flies!
Well, my eating disorder is ..mmm...sort of under control, i mean i feel in control of it. It's not gone at all, but oh well, I'm living.
And i'm working with a psych. on it - i have finally realised that shrinks do not automatically know what goes on in your mind - for a long time i have actually believed that!! Lol so stupid of me. So I would just sit there in the guy's office and look at him and he would ramble on and on about god knows what while i'm terrified he's gonna 'see' in my mind that i'm suicidal and have an eating disorder! I have wasted hours of silence on that couch...but all that has changed recently! I am starting to be brutally honest with him and i'm TRUSTING him (a huge thing for me).
And I'm HONEST with him about EVERYTHING (except about my meds....I'm STILL not taking them (efexor and topamax) although HE and my MOM and the psychiatrist all think i'm swallowing them. I'm using (or not) 150mg efexor and 50mg topamax. I'm feeling soooooo guilty b/c i know it's hugely expensive meds - both of them - so i'm not throwing them away, i'm hoarding them for...well... for future use...a small voice in the back of my head whispers evil thoughts in my ear: you cannot keep on feeling this good...it has to end some day and then you have the perfect vehicle stored in your closet...)
But i haven't been suicidal for months.
Yet i cannot throw them away...(and to be honest it's not REALLY b/c of economic reasons. rather b/c of that little voice)

But I'm PROUD of myself for coping so WELL without relying on that chemical crutch!!

Oh yes, and i'm a lot more assertive and have more confidence, am still running, havent' shoplifted or cut in MONTHS and I'm starting my studies again next year! at last...

thanks for all your thoughtful and helpful replies, CS and i hope you have a GREAT festive season and that you dont' have any more trouble with SA's delivering services!

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Our expert says:
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Hi Belinda,
How nice to hear from you again, and congratulations on your progress. Keep it up ! Sometimes with a problem like Eating Disorders, the first important aim is to get it under control. Then, as we get used to living with it under control, the disorder itself tends to fade.
You BIG breakthrough is what you describe so well. Recognizing that we are not mind-readers, and that you actually need to tell us what's troubling you. And trusting the shrink, and being honest ( ultimately, the only person you can cheat by not being frank, is yourself ).
But I don't at all like the idea of you hoarding the pills, especially while that evil little voice is suggesting evil uses for them, later. You would be safer without this stash at all. DO discuss this with your shrink. You can try the meds as advised ; if they don't suit you and if after a few weeks, they're not helping, you can then agree with your shrink to stop them.
Yes, you've done well without them. Maybe you might have done even better WITH them --- we can't know, because you didn't try them. Self-sufficiency / independence is an excellent aim --- but truly self-sufficient an independent people USE whatever tools may be helpful in achieving their good aims. With a broken leg, crutches are fine while it's healing, then one puts the crutches in a cupboard, and walks alone. But one doesn't succeed by walking on a broken leg without crutches or plaster !
But more good news at the end of your message ! No more shop-lifting or cutting ! And incrased confidence and assertiveness. Excellent.
Oh, and after the issue rumbled on for 3 days, eventually got my delivery, so I can spend the holidays surrounded by good music !

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