Posted by: Apache_boy | 2008/08/06


Hey guys,

I have a meeting with my parents tonight, so will drive back to their house from joburg tonight and then back again... i will let you know tomorrow how it went, i dont know what to expect from this meeting, but lets see what they have to say, it wont kill me right? lol, so tomorrow (or tonight) i will tell you what they said. I also printed for them 2 articles, one by Glenn on coming out and Ferny' s story... i hope they read it and it helps them on their way to acceptance, if not...

Hugs and love

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi A_B and I hope you've moved on from this very disconcerting scenario? You're way too insightful to fall this crap.....

A very warm hug for you Apache_Boy!

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/08/07

Ai, A_B I am so sorry about this. Remember before you came out everybody said it was not going to be easy. Well, this is it my friend. Now you have to really stand strong and look after yourself. You can, and WILL get through this. I agree with Deeve, your only choice is no.2. You made the decision long ago to be honest with yourself, so anything else but that is unacceptable. I tend to want to say that even this " giving you an ultimatum"  behaviour of your folks is also pretty normal. They are still in shock, and now getting quite desperate so they think that they can force you somehow to change. You can' t, and shouldn' t. I still believe that they love you and that they will come around in time.

For now, you have done what you could (and by the way I am proud of you for having the courage to face them and allow them to badger you for so long without losing it - it shows very strong character.)
If I were in your shoes, this is what I' d do for now. You need to tell them (and if you cannot face it, write them a letter) Tell them that you love them very much, but that you will not be untrue to who you are, which you have done for far too long. So you cannot give into that ultimatum of theirs and be unhappy for the rest of your life. Tell them that you will always love them, but if it is what they choose, you will not contact them anymore, if they feel that they cannot accept and love you as you are. Then lie low on that front, and yes, perhaps get to a therapist that can help you stay strong. And then give it time. Wait for them to contact you too. Once they' ve had time to work through this, things might change quite rapidly.

This is not going to be easy, but please, please do not lose hope. However bad it may feel now, it will get better in time, you' ll see. You saw what Sandra said. Eventually they will realise that you are still their child. And in the meantime allow them to work through it in their own time. You just focus on you for now.

My thoughts are with you. Keep up that chin.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/08/07

Hey, this is all so sad...! This is all about your parents...what their friends will think, what their community will think, how they will have to deal with this or that. But what about YOU...? When will they stand back and figure how difficult this all is for YOU!! Sorry...I get real mad when I see this happening. me you only have one option...No.2! C' mon, you' re no longer a longer taking instructions from ANYONE!
Dig deep fellow, and get yourself off to a Therapist, where you will find all the help you can get. Sitting there wondering how to patch things up isn' t going to make you feel any better right now. Rather go get help to sort yourself, and make yourself strong...only then will you have the courage to stand up to ' life' , and that includes your parents. Sorry fellow...they cannot take away your happiness, or expect you to live a life of misery...for what...? Best of Luck.

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Jamie | 2008/08/07


Sorry to hear it didn' t go as well as we were all hoping.

I wish life could be simple and happy all the time. Why does it have to be so damn difficult!!!

Being gay is definitely not always as carefree, exciting, bright, pleasant and cheerful as the word suggests.

But in any case, hang in there Apache_Boy, you have the whole clan behind you. In support, I have decided to give myself a new nickname.

Running Bare

Reply to Jamie
Posted by: Sandra | 2008/08/07

A_B, I totaly understand what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my parent... They told me I should marry a nice man or they will disown me. To me they have already disowned me, so I told them I am lesbian and will reamain so for the rest of my life. We did not talk for four years. But begining of 2005, they called and told me that they have accepted me as I am and even invite me and my girlfriend over to their house now and then.

My point is, whichever one of those you end up choosing, you have to make sure that you are strong enough to stick to the decision you made. what happened with me and some of my friends, our parents disowned us for 3 to 5 years then as they learn to see that is who you are, they will realise that they love you unconditionally. It might not be the case with yours... One never knows.

I hope you will choose what will make you happy in the end.



Reply to Sandra
Posted by: Apache_boy | 2008/08/07

It has now been more than 12 hours since my parents gave me the ultimatum of becoming straight or losing them forever...

Well, here i am, almost in any case, and i am tired, i didnt sleep last night and i drove back to Joburg this morning. After a nice 3 hour meeting with my parents, i still dont know what the hell is going on in my life... was it a mistake to come out and tell them?

Last night, i let them have their say, and i took everyones advice to heart, i stayed calm, didnt lose my temper and let them have a go, even with all the bible quotes (which is why i dislike mainstream religion, because its a sin to love someone)

So for three hours they went on and on and i answered all their questions, just some that i didnt answer honestly, because the shock will be even greater for them if they knew...

But here i am... left with basically 3 choices...
1 - Become straight for them and live a lie to myself
2 - Live my life the way it was meant to be as a gay man
3 - Go back into the closet for my parents sake and still live my life

Now which of these 3 do u think i will choose? I cant lie to myself neither can i lie to my parents about who i am... i just hope and pray that one day, they will accept me for who i am...


Reply to Apache_boy
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/08/06

Me again..err' re going to get zapped by the Admin...NO personal details are allowed on this site.
You can email Glenn at ' queer at 24 dot com'  - sorry it' s not on this site. Cheers

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/08/06 of luck tonight...I know you will handle this well....just keep level headed and hang in there....

Hi Jamie...there is a ' bold'  thread at the top of this page...' series of articles' . Just click on it, and you will find ALL the answers...even for some of your other questions.
Anything else, mail Glenn at the address given. queer' s somewhere there. Go well...

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Jamie | 2008/08/06


I' m about to go through a similar experience, and I' m really dreading it. It sounds extremely scary and intimidating and I don' t know if I could ever be as strong as Apache_boy. I' m really proud of you dude, even though I don' t know you. I really hope things get better. You have inspired me to get my courage up to follow in your footsteps!

I would love some good reading matter on coming out and some stuff to give to the folks as well. What article by Glen and what Ferny story are you using AB? Could you email them to me please. Any other reading matter that you or anyone else might have would also be very much appreciated.

Thanks in advance!


PS My email is KingJames1982 at gmail . com.

Reply to Jamie
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/08/06

Best of luck bud, you ARE doing the right thing. And giving them some info will definitely help them to understand better. Just try to stay as calm as you possibly can. Remember things are still very raw at this stage, and we tend to easily say stuff that we do not mean when things are that raw inside us. So be prepared that things might get a bit heated up and emotional too. You and your folks are well on the road to healing. Keep the faith...

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Adrian | 2008/08/06

I hope it goes well

Hugz nd Love

Reply to Adrian

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