Posted by: Donkey | 2006/04/12


Hi all, hope you are doing well. Just an update on what has happened since my last post and resignation. My (ex-)boss has become quite persistent in getting me to go back to work. I've been trying to avoid his phone calls, but then he showed up at my front door last night. He was crying and telling me how much I mean to him.

This is really a tough situation for me, as I've made up my mind about not going back to work for him. But what would happen if we were to start something now? When I asked him about his fiancee, he told me that he's going to call it off. I don't know whether I can trust him...or if he just sees me as an easy ticket to frivolous sex....

Sigh......This thing is hampering my efforts to secure another job, because I can't get him off my mind.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi again Donkey and thanks for the update.

There are several very distinct issues here and you should certainly try to untangle them. The first set of issues relates to your previous job and the circumstances surrounding your resignation, and this seems to be resolved in that you're resolute about not going back.

An unrelated set of issues concerns your ex boss, as an individual - his conduct at work, the fact that he's experiencing a crisis in terms of his sexuality and the fact that he's engaged and wanting to call off his marriage. You have no control over these issues and, importantly, these are not your concerns. Don't make his problems your problems. Don't become the reason for his ending his engagement - he needs to assume full responsibility for this, either because he's unhappy in the relationship or because of his being gay or for whatever reason - it shouldn't really matter to you. You cannot rescue him and he may need to use counselling to help him work out what's right for him. His threat of suicide under the circumstances you describe is, to put it mildly, grossly manipulative and indicates a level of emotional immaturity that is disturbing.

And finally there's the issue of a potential intimate relationship with this individual. Is this the person you want to form a long-term relationship with? You sound very insightful and astute - I have no doubt that you'll come to the right conclusion if you think of what's best for YOU and stop trying to rescue him.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Brad | 2006/04/18

You're sounding good Donkey, I'm liking what you're saying and good luck with the interview! cheers

Reply to Brad
Posted by: Donkey | 2006/04/18

Hi All,
Firstly, thank you to Expert for your advice and to Neil for enquiring. Hope you all had a pleasant long weekend!

I went to go visit a friend on a farm in Bela-Bela this weekend - I just needed to get away from everything and everyone to get some perspective on my life. I've managed to come to the conclusion that being involved with my ex-boss will cause me a lot of heartache if I were to pursue something with him.

As Expert said: I shouldn't make his problems mine. It's not my duty to "rescue" him. He's a grown man and should be accountable for his actions.

Things are looking much better - I've managed to secure an interview for a job I applied for. So please hold thumbs everyone. Here's hoping my future boss is more mature and professional than the last. My ex-boss tried to contact me over the weekend several times, but I just ignored it. Looks like he got the message.

A very BIG thank you hug to all that took the time to listen to my problem. A big hug to Expert, Nikki, Thoughtful, Brad, Dyl and everyone else I can't remember right now. You guys are the best!! I will keep you posted once I've had the interview.


Reply to Donkey
Posted by: Neil | 2006/04/15

So what's happening Donkey? Some good advice for you above so I'm not going to try to add to it but I'm curious about how you're doing.

Reply to Neil
Posted by: Nikki | 2006/04/13

Alan, first let me say, me emails to you keep on returning???

No-one here that responded to your latest news is wrong and in the end it is going to be your choice and yours alone.

We all make mistakes, are all desperate to belong, to love and to be loved. As your situation stands, the BOSS (ex) is most definately in a huge fix. Yes, you can be his strength, his rock but at what expense to you? You are way to young to face this challenge but what counts in your favour is your mature approach towards yourself and your gayness.

Ex-boss needs to DO and not make promises. If he wants to breakup with his g/f then he'd better DO it, NOW. Coming out for him is going to be very difficult and his temper is a major problem and you are going to get the short end of it, time and time again.

IF you both want this, then here is what i would suggest you do.

1. He HAS to see a counsellor, and you need to be there WITH him to ensure he does. He can talk to the counsellor alone aswell, but you need to be in on some of the sessions.

2. Going back to this job is perhaps not a good idea, at least now you not in his face all day and if possible, keep it that way until much later, the better.

3. His promises must become action of real truth and if he cannot get his way, threats or storming out on you is not a mature way of dealing with his issues. He must commit to stop that.

Remember for him the truth of his gayness is very new and he is going to have to do a lot more to get to terms with it then jumping in the sack with you when it suits him.

I think in the end it boils down to COUNSELLING and he needs to go.

Please, A, if you have a different address, let me know I only get UNDELIVERED errors to your current address??

Reply to Nikki
Posted by: Donkey | 2006/04/13

Hi to all,
Thanks to Thoughtful and Gareth for your replies and advice. This will probably be my last post for this week,as I just need to get away so that I can decide on what to do next. I feel that I've had enough stress during the past few days to cover me for a lifetime...

My ex-boss insited on seeing me last night, so we met in a public place and went for supper. I'm not going to deny that I have definite feelings for him. I don't want to be the guy who broke up an engagement, I don't want to be the guy who his family points a finger at. I don't think I'll be able to cope with something like that. I told him this, and he got very, very upset. He told me that if I didn't want to give him a chance, that he was going to kill himself, because he won't have anything to live for.

I told him that no-one is worth taking your own life for. I told him as well that I can't be with someone who isn't true to himself. When I came out, I did it by myself and didn't use anybody to get myself out of the closet.

Needless to say, he left the restaurant in a hurry and I haven't heard from him since. At this rate, I don't think I'll ever be happy again. If I'm not in an abusive relationship, then I sleep with a (supposedly) straight man. I've had enough

Reply to Donkey
Posted by: Gareth | 2006/04/12

I have a different take on this. I tend to believe all people in essence want to do good, which disapoints me most of the time, as people are sometimes devious, but hey, I say give people the benifit of the doubt.

To me, it sounds like your ex boss does have feelings for you, which I can understand. And as far as I can tell, Donkey, even though you tried your best to stay clearheaded, you developed feelings for him as well.

Comeon everyone, remember what it was like when you just realised you are gay. It is a VERY confusing time, and one struggles to hold on to something steadfast that makes the world and your head stop spinning so much (which in this case might be you, donkey). So this poor bloke is probably confused out of his mind, not knowing what to do and where to turn to. The fact that he is very emotional about this and cry about it tells me I am right about his confusion, poor bloke. So I do not think he is just trying to get an easy lay.
I was also married and I remember my confusion and the hell I went through when I came out. In my cowardace I unfortunately hurt my poor ex wife.

But now for the toughy. He DOES have a lot of issues to work through, and it is going to take some time and a lot of courage from his side. And Donkey, it can be a can of worms, as you will be his rock to hold on to in this time. If you are prepared to handle all the trails and tribulations with a guy just coming out to himself and everyone, if you are strong enough to support him, it might just become something worthwhile, cause you'll be his "first love" and who can forget their first love. But there is unfortunately no guarantee of that.

And saying he'll break up with his fiancee is not enough. If you are prepared to give him a chance tell him this. If he is REALLY sincere and serious about his feelings for you, and if he wants you to take your old job again, he HAS TO start taking action from his side. Firstly, he has to accept that he is gay, and then he has to brake up with his fiancee, COMPLETELY! For a start, that is enough to cope with. Then he can work on coming out to his family. He really shouldn't get married just to save them from shock and humiliation. Trust me, it is hell to sacrifice yourself like that. you think you can live with it, but believe me, you cannot.

So, if he wants you back, (which I am sure he does) and if he wants to start something, and most importantly, you want it too, and you're prepared to take it as it comes (not because you feel sorry for him, but because you love him - even just as a friend for now), then he needs to break up with his fiancee, and become seriously involved in coming out, not just having sex with you, but commiting to you and letting you guide and help him. That is the only way he'll ever be free. But if he wants all this, he'll have to pass this test with flying colours. If he is not prepared to or keep putting it off, then run as fast as you can. You do NOT compromise. If he is serious about you he'll do it before you even think of getting involved with him in any way.

Remember, ALWAYS look after yourself first, even if you are in a relationship. Someone once told me, and this is a great wisdom. "No one will be with you forever. Not loved ones, not parents, friends, no one. the only person that will be with you always is YOU. So you HAVE to be your own priority one." In everything you, even in a relationship, look after your own happiness first. Because if you are not happy, you cannot make someone else happy. Of course we compromise, but even your compromises should still make you happy, otherwise its not worth it. That is not called selfish, it is called self preservation. Believe me it works in every aspect of your life.

So if helping him, and supporting him is going to make you happy, then go for it, but not without his input first.

I really hope it works out for the best, for both you and him.
Please keep us updated.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Thoughtful | 2006/04/12

I get a very uneasy feeling about this - his behaviour now tells me that you've made the right move to leave your current employment. I think that he has issues with personal and professional boundaries.

I would also like to know how he sees messing behind his future wife's back - whether with a male or female, he is cheating on her. The fact that it's with you does nor excuse this.

Be very careful, Alan - you may be opening a whole can of worms. If you are willing to see this through, be prepared to accept everything thing comes with this. You may be helping someone out of the closset, but what happens next - will he be committed to you in his new-found freedom??? Or will he do exactly the same to you.

No one can decide for you my friend - so try to get some distance and clarity - and then make informed decisions.

Good luck.

Reply to Thoughtful

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