Posted by: kylee | 2005/07/23


Hi CS,
wonder if u actually would take the time to read that piece i started writing for my book that I posted...I know it was incredibly long.

you dont have to, I just thought it may give you a lot of insight into how a mind like mine perceives all the illnesses I have, so if your interested obviously as a psychiatrist, it may help see how different people challenge their state of minds.

Im doing ok in prelims, when I wanna do something out of hand, I write, it works me through a destructive urge, its like my emergency therapy process. I got accepted into Rhodes university for my journalism that I wanted to do. I put on a little weight and my best friend gina was extremely proud of me. I sorted things out with my boyfriend. I think i have been doing nicely in exams.. even though I am so sick, Im still pulling through, I have just realised that this years success holds the key for the rest of my life for me to move on. Im extremely depressed. I was going to go overseas with my friend, but she said I was too sick and things have changed, Im kinda losing her too through my illness.. but Im staying strong, i cant let it get to me.
Ive realised a bit, perhaps u could comment, cos I never know whether I make sense or not anymore...
I’ve got to get better, … I’ve been dealt and created the unfortunate illnesses and circumstances and lived with the agony from it all; but do I actually realize the only place all this remains now is all in my head. I’ve got to get it out. I need a clean space. My heads full of mist. Perhaps try and only live this confusion through the letters and writing, or just forget it all together. Time doesn’t matter. I could so easily pretend I forgot. Is that possible? I can live through these letters I write to you. The months never mattered. It’s the days I can’t take. The past is one thing I can’t do anything about. I still refuse to regret anything; you never know what it meant.
Keep well
regards, kylee

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Our expert says:
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Hi Kylee,
Yes, I read it. heavy going in patches, as it is very intense. Writing instead of giving in to destructive urges is always an excellent idea --- ven if nobody else ever read it let alone if they eventually do. Don't let yourself feel too depressed about not going overseas with your friend right now. Overseas is a marvellous place to travel, but not while you are at all unwell. You are doing very well, to judge from your reports. And with some studies under your belt, you could probably benefit even more from such travel in a few years, when you would have a craft that could enable you to work in journalism or the press for a time, and see how others handle it.
At the rate at which you have been describing your progress, maybe by the time your friend returns, she'll be impressed at the progress you will have made by then, and this could even strengthen the friendship.
And you're right, you need to empty out the unpleasant stuff you've been storing, whether by writing or forgetting, or just shrinking it down into proportion, as part of a story that may have been unpleasant at the time, but only the first part of Chapter One. That way, you can remove from the past its capaicty to remain hurtful, while leaving it back there in your library, in case at any future time it might be useful. No point in merely pretending to forget.

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Our users say:
Posted by: jax | 2005/07/23

I read your story and I think you are an exceptionally intelligent young lady. You write extremely well. Maybe to too clever for your own good. You analize things too much. Everything is very deep. Maybe just chill a bit and stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You seem to have everything execpt your health - come on - you can do it - u know u can - I think you ready for go girl........I have faith in you........
well done!

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