Posted by: da blu | 2004/11/03

Up side down

My biggest problem in life is that I keep everything to myself, I have this thing, and it is my life and my problems that I must be the one to deal with it. This is correct, we have to deal with our own problems- you can only help yourself in the end. This I understand fully. My problem is I feel I want to have someone to talk to about what I am thinking and what I am feeling- but I am too afraid and then of course, there is this thing that we must deal with our own stuff by ourselves. I do not have many friends to talk to- I do not even talk to them about what is going on in this kop of mine. I have tried to open up and get these things out- for almost 4 years now. My fear is not judgment- it is why must I be telling this to a stranger- it is personal- it is me and it is nobody else’s business. Its like I keep this huge wall around myself and I do not know why. I feel like I am about to explode, I have so much on my mind, I just cant even get it out- not even on paper. Nothing makes sense- my mind is one big pigsty. I just cannot focus on anything. I just have no energy to be awake, I am so tired all I want to do is lie down and sleep but I can’t sleep…

Stopped seeing my shrink- I did the shrink a favor. Still on my medication though, can’t give medication a hard time now can we? Lets just say I have added to the medication system a lot of pain tablets to numb my feelings. Truth is I don’t know what else to do. I really don’t. Suppose most people would say go see another shrink-but I really have trust issues and it is not easy for me to do.

I think I have dug this hole for myself; maybe I must just sit in it, lie down and bury myself. But I really cant live like this, its so frustrating. I want to be able to enjoy life, experience the pleasures in life and to just appreciate everything that surrounds me and to be grateful for the mere ability of being able to experience life. I want these things so desperately and I am so sick of feeling depressed- Its killing me from the inside. My heart cannot take this anymore. I just feel like there is no way out, like I will live like this forever and it really scares me because I really hate this place I am in. I guess in a way I am disappointed in myself- my next big problem of having no self esteem at all- Such as I do not deserve anything. I just don’t know how to appreciate myself because I find nothing worth appreciating.

Thanks for listening- this really helped.
Shout and scream- tell me like it is.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

da blu, those pain tabs worry me, as they can eventually add up to be a problem all on their own. FInd a shrink you feel better with, get a re-assessment, and a revision of the treatment plan, including some skilled counselling.
Good responses all round, so far. Remember the relationship with a counsllor / shrink is supposed to create a special opportunity, where it would be safe for you to be frank and honest, in a way that wyou coulldn't be with anyone else.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Snooks | 2004/11/04

Sjoe Shaun....I must be honest I can definitely relate to you!!
I keep everything for myself, I'm always positive or try to be and the irony I'm always giving other ppl positive advise but in the mean time my life is so horrible!

See you
Snooks :-)

Reply to Snooks
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/04

Hi Guys/Girls,

A few month ago these could've also been my words exactly. I am generally known as a quite, reserved person that lets no one in, & some have even commented about it, while others have told me straight out that I refuse to let them in so there's no way they can help/talk to me & they won't make much effort no more... My thoughts were; Ag what the hell, I don't really need them anyway. Does that make sense to any of you, or can you relate?

Been told the similar things by my shrink as well, but that was a long time ago. I'm not saying I've sorted it out, I'm saying I'm working it out, slowly. It's not easy when you were so used to the negative unmotivating thoughts that trying to be positive is sometimes really hard work. But I think I've come to the realisation that if I don't do it for me, nobody else will.

Also had an argument with a shrink once. His report was that he couldn't "get in" coz I had a very subtle way of turning things around where he started responding to my questions & probing. Damn, I scared that poor guy. But that was long ago. He still remembers me though.

I also cannot be hypnotised coz I've got such a hold on my thoughts that I refuse to let it out & be taken control of. However, I have never been able to thoroughly investigate why it seems so easy for me to do for others, as opposed to doing for myself. The only conclusion I'm working on accepting is that thats who/what I am, & in a way it goes against my principles to behave another way. So if I really do it any other way, my conscience will be in turmoil... internal fight.

I feel certain that CS will suggest CBT here, & if he did, I would agree with him.

Hang in there people, coz I have one hope for you all, & that is, if you guys can relate to any of what I said above, know that you will get through it coz there is one thing we don't allow to happen to us. We don't allow life to get the better of us. In others words, deep down, we have a fighting spirit that won't allow us to be beaten.

These are my experiences & opinions. I hope you guys make sense of it, & I sincerely hope I did not misundertand you.

Thank you, & take care,

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: $iren | 2004/11/04

Hey guys
I could have written both of those posts word for word myself! I never tell anyone anything really important either, and that includes people I know everything about and should be able to talk to. I am very private, hate people knowing my business, and yet need to talk to someone! A true paradox.

My therapist told me she feels like she is alone in the room, like I am not even there. And she is right! That is me most of the time...

So no help to give, just sypmathies and understanding...

Reply to $iren
Posted by: Suze | 2004/11/04

You are not alone in feeling you cannot open up. I tried going to a shrink to get over many mind problems but found i just could NOT open up. His response was "You are the most closed person I have EVER spoken to". Well I have spent 45 years never allowing anyone to see inside my life and hiding my true self for many many reasons. I also thru abuse as a child learnt NEVER to trust ANYONE so I suppose the first task is not opening up but by trial and error learning to just trust one person? And then hope like hell they don't let you down and tell the whole world about your personal life. On second thought though I think I'll just keep on kicking and see what life throws my way.

Reply to Suze

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