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Question
Posted by: Mikeee | 2006/07/21

Unsure

Hi guys

I really need some advise from you guys regarding my relationship.
My wife and I have been going through difficult times since she got preganant more than 3yrs ago, the spark that was there for me just started to fade and I felt that she was becoming more and more demanding and less and less appreciative of what I was doing for her and the baby. She had a idea of how her pregnancy and life would be and I guess I was not living up to that exspectation. Many times we have spoken and argued about how our life should be and I always told her that she had a fairy tail idea in her head and I was not going to kill myself trying to live up to her exspectations, I was trying 100% to be the best man I could be. The problems became worse and we both started drifting farther apart and we became more and more abusive, verbally and physically, this actions was started by either of us. Well in all this time I never had any affair although i wanted to (I just wanted to hurt her) the problem is my self esteem was so low that I was afraid to approach any woman and instead starting focusing on my studies and career, things went well and I was promoted within a year and I though that now i will be able to make her happy by giving her the life she wanted.
I started becoming suspicious that she was having a affair as she started doing things that she normally never did, she coloured her hair, started looking more and more after herself, my suspicions were true and I almost lost it but I managed to get myself togother physically but emotionally I am stilled messed up by this.
We managed to reconcile and try and put things togother, I mean things were okay but now we back to the same place we were before, I suspect that she might be having an affair again and I just dont know how to handle the situation. We currently talking about getting divorced and she is saying that I am the reason for the divorce because I treat her like sh!t and she cannot continue living with me. I know that I treat her badly and I take responsibility for that but at the same time I have this feeling that something else is going on. I feel mixed about the whole situation,
1. I'm thinking of divorcing her and just moving on or
2. I'm thinking maybe you did not treat this woman good enough and know she's had enought.
I dont anyone to tell me what to do as I will make a final decision, I'm just looking for a objective view point. We also tried marraige counselling about a year ago and that counsellor in my opinion was useles and did nothing to get to the actual problem.

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Our expert says:
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Marriage counselling would seem to be the obvious suggestion, here --- sorry that the one you saw was apparently useless to you. Basically, when a relationship reaches such an impasse, either one needs to persist in finding a therapist / counsellor effective for you, or one considers divorce

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: C | 2006/07/21

Reply to C
Posted by: Sharon | 2006/07/21

I once heard a wise man say that a marriage begins long before the weding. And that a divorce starts long before the final decree. He also said that you will know a relationship is working when both parties feel they are putting more than the other into it. He is a very wise man.

In your case there is clearly an imbalance in terms of input as well as expectation. Worse, there has been infidelity and a reconciliation of sorts. You did go for counselling but it was a waste as the counsellor was ineffective. Why not consider doing this again but with a more effective counsellor? If you both felt that the marriage was worth saving before (and you truly forgave her the infedility) then perhaps you should consider this again. Above all, be completely honest with each other about your respective expectations and relative commitment.

Finally, make your decision calmy and rethink and rethink it through. When you are sure and convinced, sleep on it again for another day and give it a final once-over in the cold light of a new day. Don't make life altering decision rashly.

Best Wishes.

Reply to Sharon

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