Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/11/11

Unprotected Sex

I found out today that one of my consultants working away for a week had, had a 1 nite stand with a stanger he met in a bar. He then had unprotected sex with her. He's now crying on my shoulder - I off coz hav no simpatie BUT he's married and he said to me he cannot tell his wife (and 2 little kids) and he cannot use a condom with his wife coz she'll not understand why now all of a sudden - so he just has to stick out 3 months before he goes for tests......

I feel as if I should be doing something...... or is it not my place ?

This poor, poor woman....

He's done this before and has even had 2 affairs for a long while.. but always been careful.


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Our expert says:
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Terribly difficult situation, in ethocs and etiquette. One feel sure that the wife eneds to know, to protect herself and their child, even if she finds out anonymously. As you say, he's done this before, and he had no need to do what he did, knowing the risks and not even trying to limit them. I; too, have no respect for cheaters, especially when they choose to risk the life of their spouse.
bel raises another important point --- if you later discovered that she had become HIV positive, how would you feel ? And I see abaolutely nothing whatsoever in his role as "colleague" that entitles him to more consideration than an innocent wife he may be infecting tonight. So he has a right to unprotected selfish sex, but she doesn';t have a right to protected sex ? Can't he even have the gumption to pretend that he has picked up some urinary tract infection, and was advised to use a condom to protect her as a woman's urinary tract is more vulnerable ?
Mona raises yet another option --- to talk it through more with him, to encourage him to tell her ( but he doesn't sound like the sort who would ever do so, and if you started with this approach, he'd suspect it was you if any later anonymous message reached her.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Inc | 2004/11/12

Quite a predicament CP Mom...
Let's look at what is important... the man had unprotected sex... and therefore needs to protect his wife from possible infections. Tell him to use a condom until he has his test results... he can tell his wife that he has some sort of skin irritation or infection caused from stress or something and that he is scared of passing it on to her... it is his duty to protect his wife! He can't just sleep with her knowing he could possibly have an STD like HIV.
Try not to get involved with the marriage and try not to communicate anything to his wife... that is his responsibility.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Val | 2004/11/12

Your 'friend' is very stupid and shows very poor judgement in many departments of his life, including the people that he chooses as 'friends'. Frinds are people that one should be able to confide in, to look for support when things go wrong and get good advice when needing it.

I'm glad my friends don't consider dropping me in the crap when I make a mistake or seek their guidance.

Reply to Val
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/11/12

Thanks all !

If the girl gets pregnant he said it's her problem coz he does not even have her number or she his. He did not use protection coz she told him she'd not slept with anyone for 9 months, the next day he found out that she'd been "doing" the town ........

I'm also friends with them (braaing over weekends etc.....)

Yes it's difficult and thinking about it last nite I thought if she was so stupid to take him back .... She should actually ALWAYS use condoms with him.....

I will try and talk to him today and convince him to tell her himself...

Not an easy one but thanx all xXx

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/12

Hi Mommy,

I agree with Shazz & Paris here. I don't think it was fair of him to put you in the middle of this, please don't make it your problem.
Also as Mona says, try convince him to inform her, & that he must be prepared to take the consequences.
I feel quite strongly that you should without any uncertainty let him know of your evident disapproval, & also let him know that this is something that should be between him & his wife.
Let him know that you appreciate his confidence, but as the good friend he obviously takes you for, he is putting you in a very inconvenient situation which is not fair of him.

Besides, my opinion is that he maybe just showing off as he doesn't seem to take committment seriously.

Just my 2 cents D's.

Have a great day,

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Mona | 2004/11/12

I think you should try and convince him to tell his wife. It will be the right thing for him to do, and if he ends up loosing his wife, well he brought it all on himself. He was man enough to sleep with another woman, now he must be man enough to tell his wife. Imagine he is too scared to do it, sleeps with his wife, gives her aids, they both die, what happens to the poor kids??? Try to convince him to tell her!

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Shazz | 2004/11/11

I dont think that you should tell her. The cheater must stay away from his wife until he gets results from an Aids test or whatever he should have. If something really serious comes back then he should tell her. The only problem, what if the other woman ends up pregnant, what is he going to do then. Its something to cheat, but its a whole other ball game if the other party is pregnant. I think that if this guy is a real man, and he most probably thinks he is, then he should have the guts to go to his wife and tell her what he has done. And it is no excuse if he was drunk, so i recon he should take the rap for it, but he must be man enough to admit to it. But if i were you i would not get involved because the wife may just turn on you and that would be one of the worst things to happen.

Reply to Shazz
Posted by: Lilly | 2004/11/11

It's not not your place to interfere . Leave them alone . You've said it yourself that she knew of the other 2 affairs and yet she forgave him. What difference will this make this time . You'll only complicate things between yourself and this consultant . And remenber you still need to work together .
How do you know if the wife is'nt having any affairs herself . he could be doing all these because the wife is doing the same .

Leave it !

Reply to Lilly
Posted by: Crazy | 2004/11/11

Tell him to fake a sickness, that is the only way out

Reply to Crazy
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/11/11

HG, I do agree with you. Shit it is such a tough one.

CP Mom, if you do send the email, make sure you do it properly so it cant be traced back to you. I would hate to see you get into any trouble.

Take care, and best of luck.


Reply to PARIS
Posted by: HG Wells | 2004/11/11

Yeah, good luck CP what ever you decide.

Reply to HG Wells
Posted by: Oi | 2004/11/11

You have various opinions from various perspectives, no go inward and decide for yourself what you feel you should do.

I'm holding BOTH thumbs for you, whatever your decision.

Take 10 deep breaths....

Reply to Oi
Posted by: HG Wells | 2004/11/11

Sort of agree with you Paris but the 'one day' you're talking about may be too late, what if he does it again? (Which he will) what if he goes and has sex with his wife now and infects her if he's picked something up from his last encounter? He can't explain that he must start using a condom now and he can't put off sex for 3 months and he sounds like the type of guy that won't tell the truth to his wiife so he WILL have sex with her.

I don't think that CP is the only person he has told, if he's got any mates he would of told one of them, maybe he feels that he needed to tell a woman and get a woman's opinion on the whole thing. Send the email is what I say the woman has a right ot know even suspect.

Reply to HG Wells
Posted by: Explorer | 2004/11/11

You're right Paris, I retract my previous statement

Reply to Explorer
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/11/11

Hi CP Mom,

How are you doing? Listen, i think im going to get shot down for what im about to say, but i'll say it any way.

Just want to first point out that i do not condone cheating in any form. I think it's morally wrong, and disrespecful.

I dont think you should get involved in this. Firstly he is a collegue and other than working with this chap he has nothing to do with your life. Secondly, since he confided in you, you should not be the one to break his little secret. One day the truth will come out, but let fate decide on that. The wheel of life turns slowly.

If you're the only one that his told his dirty secret too then he will know it was you, and you might risk your job or your loyalty??

Its a tough decision to make but since he is only a collegue and not family, i think you should stay clear of it.

All the best.


Reply to PARIS
Posted by: Explorer | 2004/11/11

If he wants to play hard, he should pay hard. Tell the wife

Reply to Explorer
Posted by: HG Wells | 2004/11/11

No need to go to an internet cafe, just set up a false name with Hotmail or Webmail and email from that account??

Tough one CP, good luck, can't believe his wife knows about the other two and forgave him..

Reply to HG Wells
Posted by: Oi | 2004/11/11

Do it anonymously.
And then his wife will leave him for being a ............ oh, the words I could use here!!!
And then he will have more time for work anyway.

Justify it anyway you like, but the woman is entitled to a safe life. He would be 'murdering' her if he didn't tell her about the unprotected encounter. And he won't.

I'll be there holding your hand and typing the email if I could.
I'm wife, that's why I'm so for this.

In the end, your decision.

Reply to Oi
Posted by: bel | 2004/11/11

DO IT!!!

Sned it form a made up webmail account - she doesnt deserve a man that continues to sleep around..hec shemight get infected and then you wished you had done something...

Reply to bel
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/11/11

I have his wife's email addie - maybe send an email from an internet cafe ?

I have to work with him and he's been with the company, I cant just tell her - he's also one of our best consultants... He boss would kill me!

His wife know's bout the other 2 affairs..... She still forgave him..... ag hell this is tough!

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Oi | 2004/11/11

Hi CP Mom, an idea is this... put the wife's shoes on.
If you are the wife being cheated on, what would you prefer. I know I would want to know because it's downright unfair, he's messing with another human being's life.
Although, being in your shoes, I would also not want to get in the middle of someting, and if you tattle tale then who else is going to trust you with anything anymore?
Damn, it's a tough decision.
However, there can be no respect held for cheating husbands, like they would not be expected to understand cheating wives.

Me? I would spill the beans - but that's because I despise cheating and have NO respect for cheaters, so I wouldn't care what he thought of me anyway.

But you? You have a lot of thinking to do and I wish you luck.

Reply to Oi
Posted by: HG Wells | 2004/11/11

I think you should tell his wife, anonymously of course, someone like him does not deserve a loving wife. He’s done it before twice, now he’s crying because his dick might fall off or he may have aids. What does he expect if he is going to sleep around? Makes me sick that a guy with two kids and a wife can cheat without feeling any remorse, only when he’s own health is in danger does he feel ‘bad’ tell him to go cry on someone else’s shoulder and then tell his wife.

Reply to HG Wells

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