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Question
Posted by: cereal killer | 2007/08/19

unhealthy?

i was wondering, why do i love him so much? even though he hurt me and all that, when i hurt him he has this attitude: 'you did something very bad so i don't care about you and my life continues because of it' - well something to that effect.
yet, when he hurts me, i cry (maybe coz i'm female) but then i dwell on it, and really want us to sort things out, and my life all seems to stop. he abuses this state of mind by telling me that only i hve to change/compromise and we would be happy then.

sigh. but i would love to know how to move on, how to continue with my life, how to stop letting the things he said/ did / didn't do - affect me so intensely that i cant get out of bed and enjoy life the way everyone else does. is it an acquired thing, coldness and indifference? i wish i could detach the way everyone in my life detaches.

the worst thing i heard from his lips, was that if anyone else had me - after 3 years just like him - they would run and 'need their space'. i always liked my space and gave people their space so this is quite a shock, then i realized he only ever needed space when there was a problem/fight/issue. i'll never win, mostly because i have such a retard mentality that i deserve crap since i am the common denominator - my mother has never been supportive, and has even blamed me for her life going awry. my brother takes time off from his hectic life just to yell at me now and then. anyway, i'm going to move into a flat this week to be alone, because i think with all these characters around me, i am focussed way too much on how they treat me instead of how to move on and be happy in a healthy way.

i was wondering if anyone else loves their spouse in that way, where if there are troubles they focus all their attention on it, and feel better only when its sorted out, talked through etc... or are people too busy and too disinterested to do stuff like that?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A fascinating question, CK. Isn't part of the puzzle that part of "loving" someone is primarily within us, and about us, and not really about them at all ? It's rather like hunger, which is a normal aspect of ourselves, though it is usually attached to some available food. It can also become focussed on food we see in the window of a closed shop, which we may hunger for, but cannot have and eat. So with someone cruel or manipulative or otherwise undesirable, we can "love" them, in a manner that is actually almost entirely about our need to love, and our dreams about and attachment to, the person we hoped they would be and want them to become, rather than any actual affection for the person they really are.
And having known you closely, like all scornful former lovers, he knows exactly what to say to really would and upset you. Try not to take such comments too much to heart, recognizing them as a well-chosen attempt to hurt you, rather than as an acurat description of you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lolly | 2007/08/20

Wow! I feel your pain. In response to your question, there are alot of woman out there that are in similar circumstances. Unfornately, woman were created to care! Its possibly the worse thing you would like to hear right now but it is the down right truth. Even though we have our feminist societies that lead us to believe that men and woman are equal we are not! Far from it infact.
Stress related relationships can be very damaging to any human being. But woman always look at the bigger picture which is, loving your other half/potential partner so much that every argument, whether it be your fault or theirs, is resolvable. We set aside our daily lives and trust that that will work out fine whilst we focus all our time & energy on fixing something that is not broken. This is where minipulation plays the biggest role. We are minipulated into thinking that something has gone horribly wrong and we need to fix ourselves inorder to fix the problem. Haven't you ever heard dont fix something that aint broken?
All relationship as good as it may seem has its "up's and downs".
There is no cure for our readiness to "care". But have faith as you are not alone.

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