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Posted by: Lonely | 2006/10/25

Unhappy with husband'sbehaviour.

My husband has it in his head to be the father to his smaller brother & sister.His younger brother is 18yrs & sister is 25. We have 2 kids, 9yrs & 3yrs. His behaviour is peculiar because he is always covering up all his bother's problems with drugs etc, instead of dealing with it. More so he does not involve me in any of his family's dilemmas and I am always the last to know anything that happens. Its become so bad that I mistrust him totally because he supports them as well, (also found out recently that he spend huge amounts of money trying to get the brother thru rehab).When do we have lives, because he is constantly only focusing on theirs. I need help on how to deal with this unbearable situation, becuase he has told me that he will always be repsonsible for them, 2 grow up people!!!!!

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Our expert says:
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Its a sadly common problem that relatives who think they are being loving and protective make alcoholics and addicts much worse and prevent them from recovering, by hiding their problems, making excuses, and actuall encouraging them to continue and to avoid the consequences of their choices. He is preventing them from growing up, by insisting on treating them as children needing to be protected, rather than recognizing them as adults needing to be expected to take responsibility for their own choices and actions. Marriage counselling would be a very good idea, maybe he'd recognize that he needs to sort things out in his own life and home before he can decide how to be helpful to his sibs. Its OK for him to continue to love them --- the important question is HOW to show that love in ways that don't increase their irresponsibility and self-damage. Tough love is far more effective than sloppy sentimental love.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sparticus | 2006/10/26

Every family seems to have one person to take the lead. I agree that your own family will pay the price for his actions in helping others. You should be part of the solution and keep him strong. He doesnt have all the answers and his actions dont need a desision- they come with instinct. help him to help others and your feelings would also be considered. Him hiding the help he gives need not be a permanant thing and perhaps you should concede this round of the fight.
I commend him for his good heart and also wish that his own family forms part of the picture. He's putting out flames and assumes that his kraal is safe. He clearly needs you to help in his battles...

Reply to Sparticus
Posted by: Momof3 | 2006/10/25

Hi Lonley.
I take it that your husbands parents are no more alive and he has taken over responsibiltiy for careing for his younger brother and sister.That is a wonderful thing he is doing and must be very hard on him if he cant share all the pain and anxiety that he is going through in trying to help his 18yr old brother and is a very natural thing to do.they are his family just like you and your kids are.
He sees they as his siblings too and no matter that they are 18 and 25 they still need the love and care of an older person and he would never stop helping them in time of need or desperation because that is what drugging does to you.

I suggest that you talk to your husband and say that you would like to help and support him in what he trying to do for his younger brother and you feel his pain and that you would like the whole family(his brother and sister included to go for couselling.

There are Support groups for kids and parents and for the person trying to recover from using drugs.

I know what it is like having had a son Now age 20 who was addicted to heroin.Your husband needs your support and yes rehab does cost a great deel of money and I commend him for paying for his brother at this time. but perhaps he can suggest that his brother pay him back a little at atime when his has recovered and starts working.

I can also recommend that noupoort is the place to go .One final try to get off the drugs.It is tough and like amilitary camp and that is what they need to go to the desert and get back to basics.With nothing except GOD.

Please go for counselling,all of you and the whole family will benefit and nobody has to be ashamed.When you start talking to anybody you might just find they have a simialr problem.

you can also look up agroup called Tough Love They are aparent support gourp and for a while the 18yrs old stops developing and is in fact like a 12yr old because of the drugs and needs to be in a loving,caring family to get through this.

Reply to Momof3
Posted by: kat | 2006/10/25

on the one hand he could be ashamed of his brothers drug problem also he might think that your lives are good and that they need more attention, have you discussed your feelings with him maybe he feels the need to hide it from you coz you wont support him in helping them. why not try talk to him and tell him that you would like to help where you can that way he will be more honnest about what is going on. in that way you can understand where he is comming from and in doing so you will help him understand that you and your children need him too. then you can sugest family counceling for him and the siblings and with you. i know it sounds like minipulation tactics and in part it is but at the same time you can same your marrage and help the other kids.

Reply to kat

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