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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2003/03/12

Unhappy marriage with baby on the way

My husband of 4+ years has recently told me that he does not truly love me and in fact never really did. His reasons for marriage was simply caring and convenience. It was also something forced upon us by parent pressure. I have loved my husband more than life itself and it hurts terribly to know that he does not share my feelings. I am now pregnant and this complicates things alot. I am willing to let my husband go so he may find the happiness he deserves but he wants to stay together for the sake of the baby. He has made many promises in the past to work on our marriage but has not kept them so I fear that even this child cannot perform miracles.

We are not at the stage where we cannot stand to be near each other. In fact, nobody else knows that we're having problems because our public appearances don't show it. We still get along very well and we probably could make things work if my husband did his part. My concern is that if he could not fall in love with me after 6 years together, then it's likely not going to happen ever. I'm sure he will be a good father to our child but I need him to be a good husband to me and that I don't think is possible. I try very hard to please him and there is little left to try.

Please advise on what I should do to make him realise that we have a good marriage and that we can be very happy together. If possible, how can I make him love me?

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Our expert says:
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Anon, children ARE miracles --- but they don't perform miracles. No-one should expect a child to mend a marriage. Only the actual married partners can mend a marriage, and in a situation with these complexities, both partners need to be sincerely and actively engaged in the process, and the help of an experienced mariage gidance counsellor would be very much adviseable. It was irresponsible of him to enable you to become pregnant, if he was having this sort of doubt --- maybe it is the pregnancy itself which brought his feelings of doubt to the surface, as he faces the responsibilities of parenthood.
Don't get hung up on the idea of "letting him go so he may find the happiness he deserves" --- he deserves happiness only as much as you do, and less than the child does. Maybe he reason he hasn't completed the process of falling in love with you, is that he has difficulty falling in love with anyone ; in other words, the obstacle probably lies within him, and not you, so don't blame yourself for whatever he lacks. You're probably right that the two of you could make things work, and could devise a happy marriage, if you could both work on it earnestly, with the assistance of a counsellor. The issues that matter aren't about who's to blame, but who's taking the responsibility to fix things.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jen | 2003/03/13

In my situation is that my husband has got a girlfriend and he is not denying it as he is getting calls from this woman while i'm still there and leave the room for privacy. i confronted him and he told me i'm the one who made him go for a girlfriend because i wasn' t respecting him as a husband should be. He was complaining about little things like a cup that i left there and didn't remove or shoes or my cooking lot of food which he doesn't want yesterdays left overs.

there wasn't any peace at home we tryed to call parents but things started to cool of only for a while this happend during Septeber 2002 and married December 2001. I've been involved with him for 6 year before marriage. I got mischarage before this pregnancy and now i'm due in April or May 2003.

I found a letter from this woman telling him how much she loves my husband and she wants him for herself not sharing him the fact of sharing him it's not what she wants. Now he is not working anymore and all the expenses are my responsibility and ontop of that he still receives calls from this women and now he stills my Cellphone and call this woman. i don't know what to do i just want to divorce him and go on with my life me and my baby. He doesn't sleep at home for 3days in a 7 days week and he doesn't call me to tell me where he is, he will wait for me to call him then he will give me a story that he didn't have money to come back home and he is sleeping over at a friends house. I really can't take it no more i'm tired and hurting my baby at the same time. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Reply to Jen
Posted by: curly | 2003/03/13

Anon- You said that in 6 yrs you were not aware that your husband felt this way... is it possible that in fact he's going through a crisis right now? Maybe he's got some mixed emotions with this baby coming. Obviosly there is always more to any story than you can write in a paragraph, so think back.. has he seemed different, and if so since when? I find it difficult to believe that he could be pretending all this time and you didn't see. It sounds to me like it could be depression perhaps, or maybe something else. I myself have gone through difficult times where I felt very numb emotionally. If that's what he's feeling, he could be attributing it to the marriage rather than something internal. If he wants to stay together and you love him, maybe suggest couple's counselling. When you suggest it, try to make it sound more like it's for you than for him. I have found that very few people want to do anything if they think it's to "fix" them. That way he'll feel less threatened by the idea. Best of luck!

Reply to curly
Posted by: JULIA | 2003/03/12

MY HUSBAND MAKES ME FEEL THE SAME SOMETIMES AND I'M PREGNANT TOO. BUT I'VE LEARNED THAT TO CHALENGE HIM, HE GAIN RESPECT FOR YOU. I TOLD MY HUSBAND IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE-LEAVE I DONT NEED YOU, HE LEFT BUT DID NOT MAKE THE GATE, HE TURNED ARROUND AND CAME BACK. NOW WHAT YOU MUST TO IS-ENJOY YOUR LIFE HAVE FUN, MABE IF HE SEES YOU ARE HAVING FUN HE WANTS TO BE APART OF IT, THINK BACK OF THOSE EARLY DAYS WHEN HE WAS ATTRACTED TO YOU AND YOU TO HIM. WHO KNOWS MAYBE YOU HAVE LOST THE OLD YOU SOMEWHERE A LONG THE WAY

Reply to JULIA

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