Posted by: Sunflower | 2013/02/01

Unhappy marriage vs divorce

I don''t know what to think of my situation anymore concerning my marriage, therefore my contact with you. I have been married 6 years, when we were engaged I broke off the engagement because of a stupid situation caused mainly by the father in law in which my husband then took his father''s side. His father suggested that I could move in with the landlady and take care of my then boyfriend''s washing and making food because he was working long hours (who chose to move 100km away and a heavy job?)

To make a long story short, I have been unhappy and feeling alone since day one of the marriage. I thought those days we loved each other, therefore I married him. I think I have had a mild depression as well during the last 6 years resulting of feeling like a bird in a case, we are together almost 13 years now. I am turning 34 this year, and keep on thinking that, during the first years of my marriage, that if things did not turn better at 30 years old those days, I would have divorced. But I have not, hoping it would get better and just doing the rollercoaster thing.

Things seem to get worse by the day, that I feel in my heart I cannot deal with the heart ache and the soreness myself alone anymore. I feel as if I am in a loveless, uncommunicative marriage, why even bother with it anymore. I don''t want to be 40 one day and regret of not having children, because I stayed in a unhappy marriage for nothing. My mom gave me advice those days after the engagement was broken off, should I get together again, this man will treat you like dirt. How many a time I see the evidence today. 5 years ago I suggested counselling, my husband said " ja, half past three in the morning" , meaning he does not have time for a shrink. I don''t bother to ask anymore, because we have had so many disagreements and nasty fights, I am tired, so so tired, that I don''t want to live in this relationship anymore.

When you get to the point that it is only a " convenience relationship"  of being the maid and 2nd income in the house, you want to quit. I have gained in the last 3 years 13 kg''s trying to eat my hurts away with sweets because urging and trying to talk things with my husband about our marriage has just landed on deaf ears. I don''t think he cares anyway how I feel.

I tried to be a good wife with having everything ready in the house, clean washing, bills paid, food ready, etc. etc. But at this stage, I have " been sucked"  the last juice out of me. I have given all I had but now I feel the cards are on the wall. The first 3 months of my marriage I felt I made the hugest mistake of my life marrying him, of what you thought " is love" , what did I know then.

But today, I crave love, understanding, respect, a husband putting his wife''s best interests at heart and showing it so dearly. In my heart, I wish I could start all over, as if I have lost trust in marriage and men. What should I do? I have talked and asked and pleaded, but seemingly in any case we do not gel together. Communicating with him is a dead end street, I have wasted too many tears in any case and needs to move on?!

Emotionally it feels as if we are living separate lives, I don''t know if the situation could be turned around. Why is it that others think he is the dearest man himself, and seemingly he thinks I am the bad wife he does not want to treat kindly? He is really 2 different people when around others, and alone with me in the house, I don''t how to explain it. I know one is more at ease begin at home kind of, than chatting with people, but hey... Marriage is really a sucking situation, if I should divorce I definitely won''t marry again. it feels as if my little girl dream is crushed, and I so wanted to have a more happy marriage than my parents. For now I can definitely tell that my marriage is far more in dire straits and unhappy than my parents'' were ever.
PS What must I think of my boyfriend who visited his ex girlfriend doing a 700km return drive, while I waited 3 years in SA for my him having a long distance relationship - he confessed it to me when he returned to SA which is surely good, but I was the dumb one, how blind " love"  is. How could he think that I won''t think there did not happen anything. I know I must let bygones by bygones, but how... Trust in him has been long broken anyway. Please help me so that I can get my life back again and be the same person my personality is/was before everything else. I don''t want to be a bitter old hag one day.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Apparently your initial misgivings were correct. Sounds like you have ben far more than generous in trying to make the marriage work, and as though your husband has been uninterested in anything other than himself.
Without time travel, none of us can go back and take what might well have been a better path. But continuing to struggle on in misery, hoping with no real sound reason, for things to improve, isn't wise either.
Other people think he's a nice man because he bothers to seem like a nice man to them. With you, he dosn't feel he needs to bother to pretend.
Part of your suffering is because he gives you nothing to please you, part may be because you have persisted for too long to stick to unrealistic expectations - its not that marriage is never happy, but that THIS one will not be happy.
See a counsellor FOR YOU, to help you stop being consumed by the regrets about what didn't happen, and to set yourself free to make sure the rest of your life is happier, as you deserve

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: pumza | 2013/02/05

hi there im a girl of 24yrs ,dear this is touching,going through the same thing,mine even gets worse his physically abusing me,he doesnt want to get angry about anything,when i say everything i mean everything,he is a foreigner,im not happy at all,he makes me feel like im ugly,alone,useless and he is older than me,he doesnt want me to socialise,see people or go anywhere,when i talk to my pastor,he says GOD Is against dirvoce,tell me what do i do?do i just go ahead with dirvoce or do i listen to what the bible says?

Reply to pumza
Posted by: Lil | 2013/02/04

It''s quite simple ... get a divorce and move on instead of sitting sulking about something that''s never going to change! 34 is still very young and you''ve got your whole life ahead of you!!!

Reply to Lil
Posted by: KGEE | 2013/02/04

Hi sunflower
personally i understand wat YOU ARE going through ur husband got a problem, the only thing you can do is to pray for ur a woman of prayer trust in the Lord all da times looking for solution and asking other people will never solve anything but with GOD ALL THIINGS ARE POSSIBLE,think abt ur enemies will laugh at u,dont make the devile happy.Go to ur Pastor or reverend ask for prayer u will the grace of God upon
ur marrige... through HIM we live through to him survive we conquere, all da best with ur decision .....

Reply to KGEE
Posted by: Sunflower | 2013/02/01

The last paragraph - my boyfriend - meaning when my husband was then those days still my boyfriend, who visited his ex girlfriend. I did not put it correctly there, sorry.

Reply to Sunflower

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