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Question
Posted by: Foreigner | 2003/03/14

Unhappy in foreign country

I met my boyfriend in a foreign country and we both from SA. We both are still working in foreign country. He is much older than me + 10years. We started dating and after a year we started living together. 2 months ago he told me that he was married twice and not once like he first told me when we started dating. and he have 3 kids instead of 1 as I believed all the time. Now he absolutely refuse to speak about his first marriage and other 2 kids. I felt absolutely betrayed as trust and honesty is very important to me. I moved out, but continue with the relationship. But now it seems I can't forget about the fact that he lied to me and I dont trust him anymore. We r constantly fighting now. Should I demand that he give me an explanation about his previous relationship. Am I too demanding

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Our expert says:
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Dear Foreigner,
No, you're not being too demanding. You discovered that he has been untrustworthy as regards giving you false information about his previous mariages ; and he's given you reasons, also, to be worried about what it is, about the first marriage, that he feels is so terrible he refuses to tell you about it.
IF trust and honesty is truly very important to you, and apparently isn't important to him --- what would be the reason for seeking to continue the relationship with him ? Unless this "foreign country" is a desert island, surely there are other men available , who would better match your expecations ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Fran | 2003/03/14

Hi Foreigner
I understand how you're feeling I've had a simular experience. Demanding isn't going to help you, you just going to push him farther away. Speak to calm and rashanal. Tell him how you feel that it hurt you that, that was something he should feel free to discuss with you and for some reason he couldn't. Ask him to explain it to you and try to understand don't freak out it may be something that disturbs him. Or tell him you'd like to understand but when his ready to tell you even if it's a little bit at a time. I know you're hurting aswell but you've got too keep it together.
I wish you best of luck

Reply to Fran
Posted by: Visitor | 2003/03/14

It's understandable that the trust has been betrayed. And this is the issue you need to deal with more than demanding that he tell you about his first marriage. I think people are entitled to their private thoughts and feelings and don't have to share EVERYTHING. He did tell you about the marriage that's a good thing and there are obviously reasons why he doesn't want to talk about it further.
I'm not sure why he told you about the first marriage. I think this is vital though. If he told you because he wanted you to know the truth and was unhappy that he had this past life of which you knew nothing then you should give him a break. If he only told you because there was a reason such as his ex wife is now on the scene, then I would be a bit more suspicious.
I believe that everyone has some past issues they have difficulty dealing with. Don't ignore the situation, but try and understand why he didn't tell you, rather than demand that you know everything about his past.

Reply to Visitor

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