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Question
Posted by: jen | 2004/10/15

unfaithful abusive husband

Hi
I feel like a jerk writing this, as I seem so weak. I recently found out my husband and sister had been sexually involved, although NO sex took place. Believe that! I cannot accept the deceipt, and husband expects me to just put it aside and carry on with our lives. I gave up a job, gave up my circle of friends and gave him the best years of my life. This all happened 15yrs ago, but has surfaced now. Why - I think because its been going on all this time. My husband has an elephants memory, but can't remember when he stopped seeing her. My family has not spoken to me since I found out on 27 July 04. I tried to stick up for my husband, and I very obviously told my sister what I think of her. Why must I be punished if I was not the guilty party. Am I as mad as my husband says I am? I need closure but cannot get there as he cannot be spoken to. The threat of violence, verbal or emotional abuse is always lurking around every corner. After a hefty argument this morning, he verbally abused the children who are 15 and 13, because I had dared to tell him not to throw things around as the children get scared. He turned it all around and went on and on about the kids hating him and being scared of him, and me that puts them up against him. I want to leave him, but he is quite prepared to spite me, and have the house sold (but its in a trust, and he has no say in the trust) but says he will force me to sell. He will give up on work - we are both members of a CC which is quite successful. Then there is a lot of mutual debt, even though we are married out of community of property, which he continually throws in my face. I am a difficult person who is obsessed with honesty, and detest being spoken about behind my back, where I cannot defend myself. What makes men so 'special' that they can use and abuse and we just have to accept this. He is a heavy drinker and says as long as he is with me, he will not leave alchohol. Its my 40th birthday on Tuesday 19 Oct and I don't want him around. I am so ashamed of what my husband has done, but I cannot see a 'shrink' and have all the dirty laundry brought into the open. He has said soooo many awful things about me, that my self-esteem no longer exists. I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown, but am on tranquilisers already. I get the feeling I want to take myself out, but my 2 beautiful children carried me through this whole mess with my sister. Why can't I let it go ? Why do I have this absolute need to see my husband hurt as I am hurting ? Is it possible that I am a freak of nature, put here for his abusive purposes ? I have nobody to turn to and its killing me - I need a companion who will give me love and support. I am a good person - I try and tell myself that everyday, but why do people not like me. I have not one friend in this world.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There's nothing even remotely "mad" about finding the deceitful and unfaithful conduc of your husband and your sister outrageous and disgusting --- don't let them convince you you're the one in the wrong. Sounds like you need to see a good lawyer, as there could be complex complications in this situation. And DO see a shrink --- your discussions would be confidential, andd thus NOT "bringing this all out into the open". That way you can get useful support and advice, confidentially. There is now better law, and agencies like POWA< to protect abused wives and children --- use them. POWA can advise you on how to safely protect yourself and your children ( who will always be safer with you around to assist them ). And if the house is not his, they can advise you on how to have HIM evicted from it, and to get a Protection Order to kep him out of it and away from you and the children. He may not find Jail, for ignoring such an order, an attractive prospect.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Brenda | 2004/10/19

Dear Jen

Just to wish you a very very happy 40th birthday!! Sorry to read that you were again toying with the idea of taking yourself out.

I suspect that you believe this would be the ultimate revenge on your idiot husband - that you will show him and make him pay. That you will hurt him as badly as he has hurt you?? WRONG!!! If anything, it will be an excuse for him to use against you - telling people things like 'see, she was nuts after all, how can you blame me for anything I ever did to her' etc etc. And, by the way, how on earth do you think you will affect your childrens' minds, and future lives?

Please. While I do have all the sympathy in the world for your situation, you are not a child - ARE YOU? Why do you waste so much time, emotion and effort in trying to make him pay? Put those efforts into something positive and constructive - like putting a plan of action into place to get rid of him. If you do not have a job, start making some effort to get one. See a lawyer. Talk to a trusted person in your life. Love your children. Ignore his childish and self-destructive ways. He is not thinking of committing suicide, now is he? STOP OBSESSING ABOUT HIS CHARACTER FLAWS. This is YOUR life, your only life. And how can you want to end it when you have two children who probably desperately need you and love you. I could shake you. What is this b-sh*t that people want to kill themselves when they have had disappointment, pain or heartache in their lives??? Who said that life was perfect for any one of us?

Their are parents whose children are dying of cancer, or who are brain-damaged or crippled. YOU THINK YOU HAVE INSURMOUNTABLE PROBLEMS COMPARED TO THAT KIND OF PAIN AND STRESS?? You are not responsible for your husband's behaviour or the choices he makes. You are also not responsible for punishing him for those choices. You are however responsible for your own choices, and definitely responsible for taking care of your children in all aspects, especially their emotional health.

Sorry to jump all over you - but I cannot and will not ever give you or anyone the impression that suicide is even an option. It is beyond my comprehension and frankly, a total cop-out. I also believe it is sometimes done in the hope that those left behind will be 'made to pay' for their horrible actions. SO WHAT? Guess who is dead - not them, but the silly person who is trying to exact their so-called revenge. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!!!!

Listen, have a great day. Please keep us all up to date.

Brenda

Reply to Brenda
Posted by: Jen | 2004/10/15

Hi Brenda and 'been there'

I'm going to use shortened versions of words, so please understand, I may have too much to say.
Thanx so much 4 answering my cry 4 help - it has meant the world 2 me. It has been another abusive (verbally) evening and I have been pleading with him 2 go 2 bed so I can b alone downstairs 4 a change. Well, needless 2 say he finished a 3/4 bottle of whiskey 1st with lots of abusive comments and statements. One particular one sticks - I should actually spend the evening in the toilet, because I will b staying in aplace that size, when he leaves.He actually demanded that I apologised 2 him for the ugly, nasty things I said 2 him this morning. In the past with an argument, I would always tackle the issue, where he would tackle my personality and person. This morning I let rip at his person and he cannot handle that. He seems 2 b a compulsive liar too. His father swore at me on the 21 Oct last year at a celebration supper bcause he was also drunk and couldn't take a joke I made. There has been the ongoing accusations, with my husband having witnessed it, and his father denying. Well, the apple does not fall far from the tree, does it. 2nite he said he hasn't spoken to dear dad, but low and behold a dialled call 2 dad just b4 he came home. Does he need his fathers sarcasm and bad, bad, attitude to face us in the house - or is he trying 2 get an army on his side. I have had the most wonderful year without them in our lives, physically, as they always made a nuisance of themselves. Why can my husband have a family, and I not bcause of his inability to keep his body parts 2 himself? He eventually went 2 bed, but I had 2 know I was 2 sleep in the other room. Hei is so smug about everything - I need 2 give him a good dose of his own medicine. If I had a place 2 go I would, and I know u girls r telling it like it is. I grew up in an abusive alchoholic home, and this is history repeating itself 10 fold. I hate this man more than my father. Where do u go when u have nobody? And I mean nobody? I sent him 2 bed with a purpose, I was about 2 decide where and how 2 take myself out, but I know my children will neva b safe with him. He threatened 2 have them put into a home if I'm not around. He insults my intelligence to the core, but he doesn't seem 2 b any better.

Reply to Jen
Posted by: Been there...... | 2004/10/15

Hi Jen
What can I say, other than either go for intensive counseling or get out of this marriage. The same thing happened to me, but I found out almost at the time (18 years ago). When it all surfaced, my parents blamed my husband as my sister was a lot younger, but hell, it takes 2 to tango?? I somehow went into total denial and acually stood by him (I must have been mad?). Even though we lived a "normal" life thereafter, I was never completely happy. 18 years later, what do you know, even though i stood by him and by the marriage, he left me for another women!! I also thought I did'nt deserve it, but hey, everything happens for a reason and I can honestly say that I have never been happier as things stand now. I do not have a good relationship with my sister but I dont feel I am missing out on anything either. I have spoken to my parents after all this time and have at last got everything off my chest but really, my advise to you is to GET OUT NOW!!!

Reply to Been there......
Posted by: Brenda | 2004/10/15

Dear Jen

Please get out of this nightmare asap. You have already been there for 15 years with no thanks or love or respect to show for it. You do have two beautiful children. They do deserve their home to be a haven free from arguments, screaming and abuse of any kind whatsoever.

This pig will not change. Disregard his childish threats to sell your home, not pay maintenance etc etc. They mean nothing, and are actually an attempt on his part to control you and make you stay with him. Any divorce lawyer will tell you that these threats have been made a thousand times over by husbands who wish to frighten their wives into not leaving them.

Give him the option of going to counselling with you if your marriage means anything at all to him. If he refuses, go to a lawyer. Should he become abusive in any way, call the police. We have the Domestic Violence Act in place which protects you from abuse of any kind, be it physical, emotional, verbal or even financial!!! PLEASE DO NOT FEEL that you cannot stand your ground. YOU CAN. You will be 40 in a few days - this may be the best birthday yet if you can make the right decisions to change the misery in your life and demand the respect and love you and your children deserve. I know what I am talking about - I have also been where you are. No-one can or will change it, apart from you.

Good luck, be strong and keep us posted.

Brenda

Reply to Brenda
Posted by: JM | 2004/10/15

Hi Jen,

I do not have any worthy suggestions / comment, all I can say you have come to the right forum.

These people here will treat you with the respect you deserve. CS has got so much wisdom and the rest of the forum will skillfully advice you, everyone will feel like old friends to you.

So, come on, write out your anger. There is many that will read your posting but will not reply, many that will read and reply. Doesn't matter who does what, you will defnitely be in our thoughts.

Good Luck!

Reply to JM

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