Posted by: Sue | 2009/05/08

Unfair Relationship

Good morning Doc
I have been married for 12 years now , almost divorced 3 years ago due to husband drinking to much and often use to go to pubs with anyoned basically , we went to counselling twice and he changed for about a year then went back to his bad habbit. We have two children . I am upset this morning , I feel that he treats me unfair and this marriage is not half half, he can have a couple of drinks with collegues afterwork and sometimes invites them over whilst I have to be there for the kids ? I still have to cook supper and sit with homework whilst he is having fun , the other thing is that he hides from his financial responsibilities , example , his car' s final res. value pmnt is due end of June , he has up to now not made any arrangements with the bank to re finance it and when I ask him about it we end up in a huge fight , the kids are my sole responsibilty from school fees , clothing and food , medical aid he pays for rent . He had his own business 3 years ago and I trusted him and told me he was making money , after two years since starting the business we started to receive summons from suppliers he is not paying even sars , we ended up losing our house , and I had take out a sixy thousand person loan to pay off the suppliers , I pay this load every month cause he just does not have money , if we go out for supper I have to inisiate it and I am lucky if I get some contribution when the bill comes back ,he bought a double cab when he started the business (which he did not consult with me in the first place) , he could not afford it but kept it becuase it pumped up his ego he made sure he never missed a pmnt by neglecting to pay the house ... at the end I forced him to sell this double cab an I bought a bantam on my name , this is fine becuase I have a vehilce on my name at least . I am so sick of fighting but last night when I looked at him half drunk I just thought I had enought , again ! I never know if he realy pays all his bills and I should not ask either . He helps around the house (washing ) but hey we all have to contribute ... now I have to gratefull for that ? I think that if your hb drinks but he is a financialy responsible person it is still acceptable but I am sick and tired to wait for that ticking bomb to explode , what if the bank takes his car back ? then that burdoun is going to rest on me again

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This must be a really disturbing and frustrating experience for you.
2 sessions of counselling are rarely enough. The fact that he partially reformed for a year or so is actually a reasonably good sign that with a longer period of more skilled counselling, the problems could possibly be sorted out.
But it sounds like he tends to avoid a range of his responsibilities, financial and family, and through drinking, tries to avoid even thinking about them.
As you seem to be paying most of the epnses anyway ( I wonder how much of his income goes on the drinking ? ) you might be better off on your own. He would be liable to pay maintenance for the children, but is unlikely to come up with it

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Our users say:
Posted by: Agree | 2009/05/09

Yup, you are better off without him. Why on earth put yourself through this ? He is just using you and certainly has no respect for you. Don' t allow it, get moving and do it soon. Its better to be alone with you and your child than to be with him.

Reply to Agree
Posted by: Candice | 2009/05/08

Sorry to say but you are better off without him. I know it hurts but you would be really surprised to see how well you can actually function on your own. At the moment you are taking care of 3 kids!!! it would be difficult at first but I surely think that you would surprise yourself. He is taking total advantage of you and clearly does not care. He will burden you with more and then what. You will grow old and ugly and he is wrinkle free with no debt. Please take good look at yourself and start living for you and your kids. I know you can make it. Good luck!

Reply to Candice
Posted by: mandy | 2009/05/08

Good day me and my bf broke up last in July we have two and i have found a new person in my life as we broke up due to him cheating on me he has moved on with his life chose the grl friend over i did hurt it was very difficult to move on,but i finally did and now he heard that i have moved on he sents funny email wishing me luck and telling me how to raise our kids showing his concern and starting to give orders it is really annoying and frustrating.

Reply to mandy
Posted by: apple | 2009/05/08

hi- looks like you have a lot on your plate and you are nursing a grown child. sometimes you have to let go to make your life and that of your children better.

Reply to apple

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