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Question
Posted by: Helena of Stroy | 2005/12/02

Ultimatum

I read once that you must not give an ultimatum unless you are prepared to accept the consequence. Well I have reached a stage where I refuse to have one of my boyfriends friends in our life. He’s a bad influence and the cause of many fights.

I want to put an ultimatum to my boyfriend that it’s him or me. I feel extremely strong about this, because what this guy does gets to me and my boyfriends family and kids. He’s got no positive influence in anybody’s life.

Could I have your input in this please.

If you think this could cause a breakup then I can promise you we are heading for one in any case if this friendship continues as I will not stand for this man who visit's prostitutes and is drunk every day.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It's surely true that if you give a strong ultimatum, and they don't do what you want, and you then don't do what you said you would, you lose credibility. Only you can ecide whether the conditions apply to you in your situation. IF you would rather end the relationship than put up with having this scum around, that's a reasonable decision you might make.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jane(1) | 2005/12/02

FIO - your posting struck an enormous cord with me. You've just voiced what I feel inside but never had the words to express. Thank you.

Reply to Jane(1)
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/02

My old favourite, though sometime negative attitude:

A sorry is all well and fine, but it does not change the person you are. It excuses the person you are, so you can do it again, so you can rid yourself of guilt.

True apology comes not through words, but actions.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Helena of Stroy | 2005/12/02

I guess I'll just go home and when he comes we'll bypass each other and not talk as it usually goes.

He always wins because I cannot handle not talking for as long as he can stand it. This time I am not going to drag it out of him.

And what will a sorry accomplish ? Nothing because the friend is still there and will always be. So I dont know how it will go.

Reply to Helena of Stroy
Posted by: Jillybean | 2005/12/02

Yes we do survive, although it feels that we will never make it. I hope you guys work things out, because it's not nice breaking up and moving out and all of that. Are you going to give him the ultimatum? If you do, let us know what happened!
Lots of luck!!

Reply to Jillybean
Posted by: Helena of Stroy | 2005/12/02

It's just the moving out, because I sold my house to move in with him a year ago.

We are constantly figthing about the same 3 matters.

This friend & his x wife & her family.

I love him and I know he loves me and I thought that we had both at our age have had enough nonsense to make this work. It works as long as I eat what Im dealt.

But I've been in a relationship before that I thought I would not survive but somehow I did. Somehow we always do hey ?

Reply to Helena of Stroy
Posted by: Jillybean | 2005/12/02

I was in a very bad relationship about a year ago - I wasn't allowed to do anything. I lost all my friends because he was convinced that they are trying to break us up or turn me against him. We were together for 3 years, started when I was in matric. I was scared to death of being single. Until one day I just couldn't take it anymore, I told him I wanted a break and he cried and said he wanted to marry me and blah blah blah (btw I'm now 22... was way too young).
What I'm trying to say is: If things turn out that you guys break up - believe me then he wasn't the one for you, believe me you'll have your really down days when you cry on chick flix and eat lots and lots of ice cream and chocolates. BUT YOU WILL SURVIVE IT!! And it's not like you'll be single forever hey?

Reply to Jillybean
Posted by: Helena of Stroy | 2005/12/02

Jillybean : you are so right.

He's always saying this guy needed advice or he needed someone to talk to or he needed an ear. It's never his fault but always that guy.

It's so bad being single. But I can't take this constant fighting about this man anymore.

And all this constant grinding just is not stopping.

Reply to Helena of Stroy
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/02

Your current situation is definitely going to destroy your relationship, no doubts. So anything you do can only offer opportunity for things to come right, or improve. Assuming they dont improve after you've given your ultimatum, does it make any difference, because they are already kak.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Stick to your guns, be sure your motivational argument is strong enough to withstand any criticism from your boyfriend, and take the plunge. If he choses his friend, then you have lost nothing other than a man who is actually not right for you.

Good luck, and give it stick!

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Friend | 2005/12/02

I know of several relationships broken up by the wrong friends and influences.

But I think you are doing the right thing: he has to choose between you and the friend.

If he's worth it, he'll choose you.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: Jillybean | 2005/12/02

Speaking of heartbreak, I read this in Cosmo the other day:
"It's better to lose a lover - than to love a loser."
Good luck Helena of Stroy

Reply to Jillybean
Posted by: SR | 2005/12/02

Its a catch 22 situation. You are damned if you stay with him and on the other hand the hearbreak moment when you lose him. It's called risk and you have to take it to see what he is made of. Better the heartbreak now than beating yourself up about it in years to come

Reply to SR
Posted by: Helena of Stroy | 2005/12/02

Pencil : I just have to because Im not prepared to have the same old fight over and over again. And then it's ok for a while until next time?

Reply to Helena of Stroy
Posted by: Helena of Stroy | 2005/12/02

SR : when I see your name I am always afraid of what you might say because you are extremely honest.

I know this that is why neither his or my family or his kids can understand this friendship. I've handled it up to now as an annoying dog that you can't take to the spca but I refuse to any further spend one night watching the clock.

Reply to Helena of Stroy
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/02

Hi.............. I'm in the same boat.
Not married yet, but there is a friend in my bf's life that's causing us to (yet again) have a huge argument. We're not even talking at the moment. And why not? This 'bad friend' gets in the way, all the time, and I don't trust him as far as I can drag his (huge) body.
I haven't come as far as to give my bf an ulitmatum about this guy, but believe me... it's probably going to end up there.
Make sure you know what you're asking your husband, and stick with what you believe in and feel strong about - and GOOD LUCK. Will be thinking of you - hope everything works out for the best!!!

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: SR | 2005/12/02

They say you are who you are by the people you associate with and surround yourself with

Reply to SR

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