Posted by: Ndarima | 2008/09/04

Trusting In A Relationship

How does one build a steady and solid relationship where there is a feeling of and (evident) presence of trust, safety, love and caring &  support? At what stage of a relationship?

I am in a six months old relationship with this tight-lipped, non-sharing and " always right"  and argumentative lady. Already we are running into arguments and problems and issues.

I want a steady and supportive relationship. In my littlest stupid mind, that can be attained through openness, honesty and sharing of each other' s great moments and heaviest times. This therefore, I think, points to communication (emotional communication) as a foundation.

My girlfriend, just like all of us, has a past. i do too. However, she doesn' t want to talk about it  therefore, doesn' t want to deal with it. YET, the problem is that it surfaces in so many ways and times. She snaps. She argues and not communicate even when you are on her side and often support her. What and how she sees the world, is to her, be it and end all.

She beileves that she cannot open up and talk about her worries, though glaring. She states that this will show her as a weak person (wouldn' t it be nice for your lover to be feel weak, vulnerable and confide/hide in you? Is that not the sweetest of love?).

On the other side, I want a relationship where we could be open, talk about how the day was - beyong just " it was OK - trials and tribulations. I need a lover who can communicate my best interests at heart (and obviously me to her too). This what I do. Stand up for her, defend her, share my weak points etc.

Am i expecting too much?
At what point in a relationship do people feel safe to open up and share? What happens in the meantime?
How to make this happen? How to get to a stage where we open up freely and create that environment?

Cna I get what I want (openness, honesty, feeling of safety and support) and she what she wants (keeping to her self etc)?

Or is this relationship doomed for failure and less investment (time, energy, etc) until it crumbless and die its peaceful death?

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Our expert says:
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Why have you chosen to form a relationship with such a lady ? It sounds as though each of you have different, perhaps incompatible personalities, and very different styles of relating and living. Its quite common for someone like her who obviously needs counselling through which to deal with whatever is troubling her, to fear appearing weak and to reject the counselling they need --- without realizing that its the refusal to get counselling which IS weak, and appears weak.
If she refuses to seek the inividual counselling she clearly needs, and will presumably also reject joint relationship counselling, the odds are very much against this relationship becoming happy and strong.

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Our users say:
Posted by: FancyFace | 2008/09/05

This is tough advice is that don' t wait too long to make up your mind. The longer you take it diffucult and more painful it will be especially if children are involved. Questions that you should ask yourself: Is is this the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with?would you be able to tolarate this person as your wife? I dont think you deserve such, you deserve better than you think. Counselling will only help is she really wants help. Other than that you guys will be fighting a loosing battle.
Good luck, I hope you make the right decision.

Reply to FancyFace
Posted by: Milwa | 2008/09/05

This is a difficult position you are in. Perhaps you should suggest counselling for the two of you. This will help of course if she' s willing. If not, perhaps she' s not right for you and you might have to think about finding someone else you' re compatible with.

Reply to Milwa
Posted by: Anonymous | 2008/09/04

Some people just don' t like openning as it could make you vulnerable and open for attack.

Reply to Anonymous

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