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Question
Posted by: max | 2004/01/19

Trust Broken

My g/friend and I have been living together for over a year. Between Jan and August last year she would go on a regular basis to her ex to drop off her children and at times spend many hours there. She told me it was for the sake of her children. She says she is in love with me and wants to spend her life with me. In early August she told me that a successful relationship is based on trust. Six days later she had sex with her ex. The trust was broken and since then the hurt I have felt has not been repaired. She told me it was a mistake but has not yet said sorry. We have spoken about it for a few minutes only and each time I tell her how hurt I still feel, she says she does not want to discuss it. I have gone to a councelor who said we need to see someone together or at least my g/friend and I should talk about it freely without hurting each other. She does not want to do iether, because I feel she is hurting as well. I gave her a free gift, trust, which she broke. I want to give it her again and I dont know how to as I feel hurt and betrayed. Now she tells me she needs to go with her son to her ex, to sort out her sons issues, which he does have and this has caused my distrust to resurface. I want to put this behind me and I feel the only way this can be addressed is with her help. Please help me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear max,
Clearly there is more going on here than meets the eye, and your gf's steady refusal to talk about something she knows has hurt you, does not look at all promising. And for her to refuse to join you in counselling, sounds like she's not prepared to accept that she may have caused a problem and that she's not prepared to try seriously to sort out any problems that exist. That sounds like she could be using you, rather than loving you.
You could make it clear to her that either she joins you in serious discussion of what's going on, including joint counselling, or the relationship is officially over. Prety-well any problem between a couple can be sorted out, with goodwill on both sides. But when one person flatly refuses to make discussion possible, then there's nothing further worth trying.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tia | 2004/01/20

I agree with max, why doesn't she take u along 2 her ex or let her ex come 2 u yo place. I think there's more 2 this than meets the eye. She's the one who made a mistake and she's making u feel quilty and getting away with it. I doubt if u'll ever trust her again. I suggest that u get rid of this idiot and move on with yo life, she's not worth yo efforts of trying 2 make this relationship work after she cheated on u.

Reply to Tia
Posted by: Juz4Fun | 2004/01/19

Got agree with Volcano & Soul.

This women has violated the trust in the relationhip & is now sweeping the matter under the carpet. She doesnt want to face her actions.

If Counselling is not working or she is not interested in seeing a counsellor.. Ask her why? there is more going on.

This may a bi harsh to say but boet.. Stop thinking with your heart & start thinking with your head! Give her the Walking orders.. & do it soon.

She is gonna walk all over your feeling cos this women has issues that need to be sorted out & they she seem to be using you as her "spare wheel"

Reply to Juz4Fun
Posted by: Soul | 2004/01/19

Hi Max

I agree with Volcano. It sounds like she's permenantly over by her ex. I think the most upsetting part of your experience is that she doesn't want to discuss it with you. I get the feeling that even though she was the one who cheated on you she's trying to make you feel guilty for what she's done and that's just not right.
The 2 of you need to sit down and discuss it or it will be between you for the rest of your lives or until the relationship is over. If you mean as much to her as she claims you do then she'd want to sort this out so you can either move forward in this relatioship or go your seperate ways.
Just bringing in my personal opinion I get the feel that there is more to it than you know uh I think she's got something going on with her ex, but that's just my own opinion.

I hope all works out for you and that you 2 and work things out, Trust is mager and should not be disregarded as nothing.

Take Care
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: volcano | 2004/01/19

Send this woman together with her son, to her ex. Find some-one who you can trust and who wants to be with you. If she is serious about a good relationship with you why does she not want to go for councelling? Why does she not take you with to see the ex? Why does he not come to your place? She should be begging your foregiveness. Get rid of her.

Reply to volcano

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