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Question
Posted by: mp | 2004/12/06

trust abused

I was going out with a lady "K" for 2 years and ended it sometime about April 2003. This was due to family rejecting the relationship and with me not putting too much into it. I thereafter moved 600km away to start a fresh life starting with reviewing my very difficult childhood upbringing.

When I moved away, I met and fell in love with a most beautiful lady who wanted to marry me. I felt i still had unresolved issues regarding my previous relationship and started communicating with my ex. I created the impression that i wanted to get back together but all i wanted to do was understand what went wrong so i dont do the same thing again.

I did not tell my new girlfriend about these communications.

This continued from Mar 2004 to Dec 2004 and it killed me for keeping this secret. My relationship with my new girlfriend grew stronger and stronger until now when we decided to marry. I felt i needed to tell her about my ex and about what i did.

She is now very upset. I love her very very much and want to save this relationship as i fell she is the one for me.

I dont know how to do deal with this situation:

1. Do we end the relationship cos' i lied
2. Do we talk it out and go for counselling

What is the process that I can follow?

What is the right thing to do?

Please help me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello mp,
Wouldn't it have been better, and mbe still would be better, to work with marriage counselling, rather than alone ?
Did you lie to your present gf, or merely avoid the truth ? 10 months is an awful long time to keep up communcations with an Ex in some attempt to finish the relationship, rather than to continue it. It's better in individual counsellign to work on how things went wrong, rather than by re-enacting them !
Wouldn't relationship counselling be the best route for the two of you this time round, to see what can be sorted out, before committing to marriage ? Don't give up so easily !

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/12/06

Hi MP,

I'm glad it seems you realise the effect that losing trust may have. I am a bit confused though as to why you would want to give up so easily when say she is the one for you & you want to save this realtionship...
That said, I would suggest you consider talking to your fiance, & try explaining, more or less as you did here. & Yes I would suggest consider the counselling route as well.

The right thing to do is to do what you really & truly want to. Ask yourself a few questions like; Do you really want to let her go? Would you be better off without her? Are you prepared to allow her to carry on thinking that maybe you were being unfaithful?... simple straight-forward questions. Question that would kinda be your impression of how you would have liked to be treated as well.

Good luck MP, hope it works out for you,
Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/12/06

Hi there,

I do understand why your girlfriend feels the way that she does. But i also know where you are coming from. We're all only human and very often we need communication to find some sort of closure.

I think breaking up over this would be quite silly. You never cheated on her per say, but you did let your ex believe that you wanted her back (not very bright on your part) but out of all of this you realized that it was your new girlfriend that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, so you obviously found the answers that you needed.

I would speak to your fiance' and reassure her that its her that you want. Be honest with her, and be open about your feelings. Councelling never harmed any one either.

Hope you get through this.

PARIS
XXX

Reply to PARIS

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