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Question
Posted by: Mr malcontent | 2004/10/29

TRUST ??

Dear Cybershrink

i've been told by my fiance that I dont trust her .. Is it normal for a woman in a commited relationship to "sleep over " at a friends house ( male friend ) and is it wrong for me to assume that something could / has happened or should I merely put my trust in her even if she does this ?
Also how do you know you can trust someone and are there any steps to take when wanting to learn how to trust someone ?

Please help ...

Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hmm, Mr M. I agree it sounds a bit odd, but it could be entirely innocent. It would be unwise to assume that something unfaithful HAS happened, but entirely reasonable to think that it MIGHt have happened. I agree with BT --- within a committed relationship what she did would widely be considered to be od, and at least tactless and unwise. As Chelle says, "sleepovers" are not an adult habit, but more an early teen group adventure.
It's not entirely fair for her to expect you to be totally trusting --- you may ask her, if YOU, instead, had a sleepover at the house of a female friend of yours, would she have absolutely not the slightest suspicion or concern ?
Overall, it sounds as if it might be worthwhile to consider both becomeing involved in a bit of pre-marital relationship counselling. And wildberry raises exactly the right major point --- talk this through with her. WHY did she stay the night ? Visiting, lost track of time, got too drunk to drive home safely ? Car broke down? Were there other people there as chaperones ? What ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Wildberry | 2004/10/30

Since nobody bothered to ask - did you ask her why she slept over at her friend's place? Friend being the operative word here.

The mere fact that she told you about it tells me that she has nothing to hide. Talk to her ***calmly*** and tell her that you are concerned and uncomfortable about it because it is not something that you would do. You wish to understand her motive for doing it because you are afraid that you might lose her, not because you don't trust her, but because of a situation that left you feeling vulnerable.

Reply to Wildberry
Posted by: Deeve | 2004/10/29

This is crazy....... Yes you don't trust her and that's absolutely acceptable, under the circumstances. But the big question is - 'Where does this all stop'?? You aren't even married, and she's doing strange things - say what you like!!

My 5 cents worth - it often takes a lifetime to regain someones trust, when they have hurt/betrayed, or what ever. Are you ready to marry this girl that you find doing unacceptable things already??

I question....??

Good luck in sorting this one out - well what I mean is in HER sorting this one out - you might be long gone...!
Cheers

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: danny-girl | 2004/10/29

If it looks like fish, if it tastes like fish, if it smells like fish..... chances r it IS fish......

Reply to danny-girl
Posted by: Straycat | 2004/10/29

Being a male,I reckon this could be a bit unsettling, .....What was her response, when you told her that you did not trust her?.. You need to have a chat with this girl and sort it out.. cos you are gonna be married some day... And you need trust and constant communication in a marriage.......

Reply to Straycat
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/10/29

I thought I'd just clarify something. I am not saying that she is right or wrong, or you are right or wrong - you have to make a call based on what you feel is acceptable or not. Decide what it is about this that makes you uncomfortable before you demand that she doesn't do it. Understand how YOU feel about it before asking others what they think.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/10/29

It's not normal for men and women to have sleep overs at all. But "normal" isn't really the issue. The issue is do you trust your girlfriend or not? Whether something is normal or not, doesn't make it right or wrong. Sleeping over with a friend, and even sharing a bed with someone doesn't always mean that they are engaging in sex.
She is right - you don't trust her. The issue is now whether you are prepared to accept this behaviour or not. It's your choice - no matter what others think or say - it is about your trusting her and you making a decision about whether you find this acceptable or not.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Hai Bo!! | 2004/10/29

Believe me broer you are not overreacting!! we shouldnt allow these things to happen.Would she understant if you slept over at a (lady) freinds place?

Reply to Hai Bo!!
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/10/29

hi there

you can't say from one isolated incident wether she should be trusted or not

i person who is untrustworthy will have a habbit of lieing and doing something different from what they say

i would give her the benefit of the doubt till i have hard evidence that she is actually cheating -

trust and respect is very important and should be the corner stone of any relasionship

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/29

Hi there,
A woman in a committed relationship according to my opinion does not "sleep over" by a male friend, it is not done, it is not normal, the only one she should be sleeping over with is you, so I think you have all the right not to trust her and she is feeling guilty that is why she said's you don't trust her.

Trust is something earned and not given lightly. In order to trust someone they have to prove that they are trustworthy. If you ask somebody something and they lie to you, they break your trust, if you asked someone to do something or not to do something and they do, the trust is also broken.

Trusting is not easy but it is something one just knows and it seems to me she is not being very open with you, or maybe is too open, by sleeping over with her other friend and telling you, she is trying to tell you something. Talk to her, confront this issue and tell her you are not happy about it and it affects your trust that is why she feels you don't trust her.

Good luck and Take Care.

Reply to Beyond Tired

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