Posted by: Patra | 2013/02/12

Troubled Child

I got divorced last year in March after a long unhappy marriage that contained all sorts of abuse and violence. The one bestthing that came out of that marriage are two beautiful children, a 7 year old boy and a 10 year old girl.
Though all the violence and fightings between my ex husband and I, my daughter was there and she saw it all. after my divorce, i got my own place to stay with my two babie.
Now the problem is that my daugher is very angry and bitter. She is over sensitive and violent to everyone. She doesnt like to play anymore and cries a lot.
Please advice me on what i should do. i tried to buy her the things that she likes, clothes, toys, etc, but it doesnt work. im worried about her. i now have a new man in my life and he loves me so much and he adores my children, but im afraid to return his love because i am afraid of how my daughter would react towards him and our relationsip. im desperate, please help.

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Posted by: PATRA | 2013/02/14

Thank you very much guys. You really assisted me a lot. I will definately therapy for her. i am really worried about my child and fell like im responsible for all this and that i should have stayed in that marriage just to save her all this pain.

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Posted by: JR | 2013/02/12

Agree, a little counselling will definitely be a good idea. But a brilliant anger management tool you can have at home if you want to, that helps imensely to get the anger out is a punching bag.

It was too funny watching my son. It started out as a game (somehting to do) just punching and kicking the bag lightly, but eventually he was kicking the living sh!t out of it. I asked him what that was about. All he said was I feel so much better. Now I encourage him once a week to go beat the bag. It''s not going to solve your problems completely, but it goes a long way to get some of the hurt and frustration out.

You say he adores your children? Can you guage how your children feel about him? I so hear what you are saying about not wanting to, or not being able to return his love because of the children. I just feel that you cannot be alone forever, and although one always strives to do what is best for our children, children are master manipulators who will use whatever they can to get their own way.

A friend of mine has a friend who has a 15 year old son. This boy hates his dad passionately for reasons no one seems to be able to fathom. Whenever he had to go to dad for a weekk-end, or a holiday he was violently ill. He would vomit, and have fever, they eyes would water - he looked like he was dying. They stopped forcing him to go, and the mysterious illnes went away. I wonder if I start being ill like this if they will stop forcing me to come to work :-)

I would say, over an extended period - many months - watch his relationship with your children. Give him space to make friends with them - not be a father - they already have one of those, and one that tries to take dad''s place will only be met with disdain and hatered, because no matter what happened between mom and dad, the STILL love Dad, and they cannot love anyone else as dad, becuase he isn''t dad. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

A good bit of advice I was given was " get out of the way"  We are so busy trying to protect them, we actually hinder them bonding with another man. But, I am not saying at all that you go through this with blinkers on. You make dam sure he is treating your children with the respect and understanding they deserve. If he is not, then he is not the man for you, regardless of how much you love him. The three of you are a package deal. He either accepts you all as is, or he can find his own way out.

In my experience, buying toys and games and everything they want, is not what they need. What they need is unconditional love, from you, and from your man. They need to know that you love them no matter what and that they will be accepted ( just like us) warts and all. Even if we have to repremand and punish them as we have to do from time to time, they need to know that they are LOVED. I cannot stresst his enough. LOVE your children. Spend time with them, talk to them, KNOW them. It makes a very big difference.

Good luck and all the best.

Reply to JR
Posted by: JM | 2013/02/12

It sounds like your daughter may need some therapy to deal with everything she has witnessed and gone through in her young life. Most schools offer some form of councelling. Speak to her teacher to find out which route to take - they are qualified to direct you to help your child. If the school doesnt have a councellor, you may need to ask your local GP if he/she can recommend a good child phycologist.

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