Posted by: Please Help | 2007/05/08

Too Young

My brother in-law has recently passed away, he was diagnosed with cancer in December and is now gone. It all happened so quickly and was a huge shock to the whol family I still cannot believe this dreadful disease has taken his life. He had so much to live for and I feel it is unfair he has been taken away from us.
I am very worried about my sister though, they were together since school days and have only been married just over a year, they are so young to have had to go through all of this. It breaks my heart knowing the pain she is going through and I want to help but I am worried the things I say may do more harm than good. I want her to understand that she is still very young (only twenty three) and must not give up on life. She is not taking his death very well and has told me she cannot carry on and I am worried she may do something to hurt herself. I do not think she has accepted it, she never accepted that his illness was life threatening and whenever we spoke about it she would always say he will get better, to her, death was no and option. How do you ever come to terms with something like this. I wish I could have swopped places with my brother in law. It kills me to know my sister is in pain and I cannot fix it.
How do you go on.
What would be the wrong things and what would be the right things to say to her to help her through this. Would you reccomend her seeing a therapist and if so at what stage and what sort of therapist (psychiatrist or psychologist?).
Thank you.

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Our expert says:
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Sorry to hear of this terrible event. Grief is hard work and takes months to work through. Find her a good counsellor, perhaps through the national Cancer Association or the local hospice, to help her in this situation. The most useful thing you can to is to be caring and available IF and when she might want to talk about things ( trying to force somone to talk when they're reluctant to do so, is rarely useful ),

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Our users say:
Posted by: JAY | 2007/05/09

Hi Please Help

Sorry to hear about the loss of your brother-in law, all my sympathy to you and the family.

Death is never an easy thing, None of us really understand the magnitude of the pain someone else suffers until we experience it for ourselves and giving support is not easy, as some people are stronger than others, and someone like your sister needs to have someone stronger beside them to comfort them and give them reasurance, and seeing someone professional can and possibly do the world of good.

She needs to go thru a healing faze, and this is a difficult time for her, thoughts, feelings and emotions are still fresh. And even though he is no longer with her, he remians in her heart and thats important, you don't want to tell her get over it he is gone that just mean... Everything in life has a bigger purpose and I believe everthing happens for a reason, who know what life would have been like if he was stil alive and had to go for all that treatment and pain, it may have been even more unbearable than this..but I would keep telling her keep loving him for who was .. love is stronger than pain, keep her active just to keep the mind from dwelling
the fear you have that she mite do something to herself.
take her out. do things together.

I wish you all the best.. God Bless

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