Posted by: Tina | 2009/08/28

Too much baggage to meet someone?

Dear Cybershrink

I would love to meet someone and settle down although I do not want kids. I' m a 44 year old female. The problem is that I have R300 000 debt mostly due to my previous relationship. When I met this man I was happy, slim, had brilliant credit, a normal sex life. I also support my mother (late 60' s) who is 100% dependant on me.

I am now fat (working on it through correct eating and exercise), depressed (on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist), on the credit bureau and with no hope of ever paying back that debt that is just mounting in increase. Can' t go insolvent as I don' t have the money and insufficient to keep up debt counseling, his addiction to pornography and fixation for the perfect body has really affected me and my mom is like a kid that has to be supported/nutured until the day she passes away.

I feel like no man will want to take me on especially with the debt (it means we can' t buy a house together) plus I am being sued and am deep in it.

On the plus side I am very pretty (still) and have an excellent job with a really good income but it does not cover the debt and never will. I have lost all my assets except my pension.

I am also angry with myself as my ex did this to his ex wife and I just never saw it coming. His addiction and his penchant for being unemployed.

An intelligent woman who has made the most unintelligent decisions.

I have a dysfunctional family so its just my mom and I.

I really wonder if I could meet Mr. Right under these circumstances. I am not the clingy type and men are interested in me but how do you embark on a relationship with all this?

I am also feeling very depressed and everyone including my colleagues have noticed.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sad that your previous situation was eroded by the relationship with the wrong person ; congratulations on what appears to be the adoption of a rational plan to get out from that eroded position. And pleased to hear that that Guy has taken his own perfect body away.
I didn't klnow that proper debt counselling created yet another ongoing expense --- that way, it would not be affordable or useful. But surely someone from your bank could help make a reasonable plan ? And most debtors would rather agree to a plan in which they received SOMETHING, than deal with someone from whom they receive nothing.
OK, one must admit that neither man nor woman would be likely to be eager to share your financial problems, though that doesn't mean that a atisfying relationship wouldn't be possible, especially as you don't want children.
Rather than waiting for Mr Right, and while of course wanting to avoid mr Wrong ( been there and been done by that ) --- maybe meanwhile look for Mr Right Enough ?
Presumably with your therapist, you will be working on the Anger, which is so unproductive and often so much more armful to you than to whoever helped to generate that anger.
And thanks for a characteristically helpful and encouraging message from Bob' s Girlfriend

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Our users say:
Posted by: Ross | 2009/09/03

Best of luck - from a guy' s point of view - I hate those assholes like you and the other lady described - but I promise you, the sun WILL come up tommorow - Your friends WILL stick with you, and you WILL be happy again.
It is cliche - but happiness DOES start with yourself. So come on - pick yourself up, look the world in the eyes - and trust in God!

Reply to Ross
Posted by: Rick | 2009/09/01

The are some great princes out there as well as frogs. You must trust yourself to spot the difference. We can all start over again, although its tough, its possible.

Believe in yourself before anyone else!


Reply to Rick
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2009/08/30

You are a brave soul and a beautiful person. OK, so you have a problem and a bit of a baggage, don' t we all? The thingi s you are doing something about it and you will eventually overcome it all. You will meet someone you deserve. However, you HAVE to be selective and do your homework.... there are a lot of creeps out there. Good luck.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Bob' s Girlfriend | 2009/08/28

Hi Tina

You keep on beating a dead dog, dear. It' s over and done with.

I' ve had boyfriends beat me, abuse me, take my money, car, cell, dignity, cheat on me ect and a mother who once said to me I am a CA, I am a clever woman how the hell is it possible that a woman so brilliant can be so dumb when it comes to men.

It must be love ? Or is it love?

I also had a boyfriend who use to threaten me and one day i stood up and said ok go to the police and tell them my bother smokes pot - I DONT CARE
go to the law society and tell them my boss is playing with trust fund - I DONT CARE
go to child welfare and tell them i am a bad mother I DONT CARE
and as these things happen i will handle them one by one
guess what it never happened.

I was down and out, had a good job, a shit car, a kid and nothing not even a pension.

I stood up and took everything as it came and handled it.

There is only SO much they can take from you and only SO much they can do to you - they will not kill you and you will not die of hunger.

In anycase I want to say I met BOB and we' ve been together for 5 years. I did not have much. A few pieces of furniture (which is in his garage) a half decent car, a good job and as time went by things got better as I was not paying rent anymore.

There are good men out there and you will find one, once you' ve sifted through all the shit that' s out there.

Be careful girl and learn from past mistakes. Bob is not at all my type of guy and yet he' s the best guy i' ve ever had.

Give the guys who are not so pretty, so slim, a chance to win you over with their charm, wit and intelligence.

In time it will all come right.

Good luck.

Reply to Bob&#39 s Girlfriend

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