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Question
Posted by: Insecure | 2004/03/12

Too insecre

Hi Doc/readers
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years. He is never prepared to speak about our future together so I highly doubt there is one. I keep on getting the feeling that he is still shopping around and waiting for someone "better" to come along.
He will go out of his way to get calanders with women in skimpy bikini's and download pictures of models on his phone and the only pictures he has of me are pictures I have given him and he doesn't even display them as proudly as what he does with his calenders etc. My friends tell me this is a total lack of respect for me and yet I still fell so strongly for him that it's so difficult to walk away. Is it natural for guys to act this way?
Please give me some advice.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Insecure,
You know, I'm not worried about a man who has an interest in pictures of attractive women --- it doesn't in itself include or suggest actual infidelity towards his own lady. But when he emphasizes displaying his bikini-clad posters or calendars at his work, or on his cell-phone, it's no longer about his private day-dreams, it's about displaying something to other males, as if pathetically trying to convince THEM that he's a red-blooded he-man. And that suggests to me a man with low self-esteem. It's just like the aging men of failing virility who suddenly have to buy and ride enormous motor bikes ( so they can try to prove that they still have something large and powerful between their legs ) or who buy tiny sports cars they may have to use a shoe-horn to ease their swelling bellies into.
Usually, there's a complete dissociation between this display behaviour, which is more like the old grey-back gorilla beating his chest in the jungle, so as to impress others, and actual love and affection for the woman in his live. So it probably has nothing to say about him lacking love for you, such as he's capable of, but more about a lack of love for himself and of self-confidence. As for not wanting to talk about a long-term future, basically, guys are lazy, and if they're getting most of what they want in their relationship at present, they may not feel any drive to change it. Women are often more inclined to look forward, and plan for the future, while guys may decide to just enjoy today, and think about tomorrow when it comes. And the ladies seem to grow up and mature faster than the lads.
In the end there's no substitute for talking things through with him, whenever a good opportunity arises, and without nagging. As Sean says, evaluate the Big Picture together ; and that's a picture not appearing on any calendars.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Insecure | 2004/03/12

Thx Sean and Doc for the much appreciated responses, I will keep you posted on the progress.

Reply to Insecure
Posted by: Sean | 2004/03/12

Hi Insecure,

Sometimes one needs to take a minute & step back & look at the big picture & evaluate their choices.

Remember.. "the choices u make dictates the lifestyle u lead"

Hope it works out... let us know how it turns out.

Cheers

Reply to Sean
Posted by: Insecure | 2004/03/12

Thanks for your response, Sean. Definitely words of wisdom there :-)

We are both 27.

I just feel that after 4 and a half years you should know where things are going (and we aren't getting any younger), and you are right I have just been in denial the entire time. I feel he doesn't realise what he has cos he is more focused on "cover girls". And at times I do feel so alone in this relationship. We'll have to sit down and talk and see if things can work out, I'm sure compromise will have to come into play here. Perhaps someday I'll come accross a guy who'll appreciate me for me.

Thx once again for those wise words.

Reply to Insecure
Posted by: Sean | 2004/03/12

How old are you guys? maybe your b/f is not ready for the same thing that U are. Some young guys are a bit immature & take abit longer to grow up... maybe he is one of those slow developers.

Stop thinking with your heart for a moment & use your head.. you know the relatonship better! Does it looks like it is going anywhere? Does he respect U or does he take u for granted?

Maybe he doesnt want a serious relationship right now where as you are a forward thinker. U need to remember that U are never gonna get the perfect life partner U are going to have to "mould" the one U have into the one U want. If U feel strongly for him & want to make it work U are going to have to try & make him a willing participant or cut your losses now.

With regards to guys downloading pics & orgling semi naked ladies... U know the story.. guys will be guys.

Hope it works out for U.

Reply to Sean

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