Posted by: Heartbroken | 2008/11/24

Too fat for my husband

Hi CS, my heart is shattered into tiny little pieces, never to heal again. My husband had an affair with a girl half his age 3 yrs ago and had a child with her. I found out when the child was a couple of months old. He promised me that the affair was over but blamed and still blames me till today. he says its my fault he had to go have an affair because I' m too fat and he hates fat people. In the same breath he tells me that he loves me, if only I was thin. Now I weigh 56, not skinny but can need to loose a few kilos. We have 2 kids aged 3 and 1. Is he sane? How can he justify what he did by blaming me? I recently also discovered that he' s sending bundles of sms to this girl and thats not even the phone calls he makes on a daily basis. He wont go for counselling and I' ve had enough, I cant do this anymore. This verbal abuse has been going on far too long. Please help me.

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Our expert says:
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Shattered ? THat may be an apt expression of how it feels. "Never to heal" ? That is an unfair ( to yourself ) conclusion, and you could push it into becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, which would be unfortunate.
What is awful is that your husband should blame you for his own selfish and cruel behaviour. He's sane, but being mean and cynical and abusive. And how stupid this girl is. And is she guaranteed she will never gain weight, and never give him this or some other excuse for him to cheat her, too ?
You are not fat, and probably don't need to lose weight at all. As Anon says, you can gain or lose weight and still be a fine person --- he is stuck with being a mean and selfish one, and uinlikely to change that. Se a counsellor if necessary, but plan to protect yourself and your children ( funded by the maintenance a court would order him to pay ) so the three of you can thrive, and he can reap the penalties for the mean decisions he has chosen to make

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Our users say:
Posted by: Codudu | 2008/11/25

Hi, there, can I ask if your financial side is independent? Can you look after / support your children along? (also, rememberm by law, he has to respons for your kids' s expense) If not, make yourself be stronger first then dump him. Be happyer and be stronger, you are the only person who can make yourself be happy, only one! Love youself and go on your own life. Always remember that you are young, if he does not appreciate your love, there must have somebody else will, because the god is fair to all of us!

Reply to Codudu
Posted by: Gracie | 2008/11/25

Well good luck - hope all turns out well for you!

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Posted by: Heartbroken | 2008/11/25

Thanks Gracie. I do not believe that he went whoring because I' m " fat" . I think he would have done it regardless. Its just that he really believes himself when he speaks this crap. He has serious issues. He has a son that was badly burnt as a baby. Almost completely disfigured. He is the last person I would have expected to be so shallow and intent on looks. We' ve been together 12 years, married for 8, its really a shame things turned out this way. For my own health and that of my kids I' ll have to get im out of my life or he' ll eventually destroy me.

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Posted by: Gracie | 2008/11/25

56kg is not overweight girl! Are you perhaps married to Mr South Africa - what is wrong with that man and with you for allowing him to bully you into believing that your weight is the reason he went whoring around? Tell him and his equally idiotic parents to get a life! Do you want to look like a stick insect for the sake of your husband - please!!! Even if you were thin, he would' ve probably still messed around - it' s so weak and pathetic of him to blame your weight for screwing around! Have a good look at him and at yourself - is he worth it? What excuse is he going to use when you are skinny - that you are too thin and that' s why he has messed around? Please woman - you are not a kid anymore - catch a wake-up - kick him into touch and find yourself a real man that likes curvaceous healthy looking women and leave this pathetic man to his stick insect girlfriend - you don' t need this crap in your life. If he really loved you he would accept you as you are - he is no doubt very shallow as looks seem to be all important to him! Good luck and don' t lose too much weight! Bet you are gorgeous just as you are!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: gracie | 2008/11/25

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Posted by: Heartbroken | 2008/11/25

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I' ve known for a long time what I need to do, I just kept hoping he' ll change. His mom and dad are also obsessed with weight. They think anyone over 50kg is overweight. I know I' m stunning, everyone except him think so. The girl I' m sure he' s still seeing looks anorexic, she' s only 22 after all and I' m 38. I constantly feel as if he' s comparing me to her and I cant live with it anymore. I used to be super confident, now I' m a nervous wreck and have no self esteem left. Once again, thank you.

Reply to Heartbroken
Posted by: Soul | 2008/11/25

That is a load of b/s. Blaming you cause he can' t take responsibility for what he has done. Your weight has absolutely nothing to do with his infedelity. He has no back bone.

Heartbroken you deserve so much better than him. If you feel you need to lose weight then do it for you not for him or anyone else, if there is something you want to change in your life do it for you. Trust me it doesn' t matter how much you aim to pls him he will always find something that isn' t good enough for him where you are concerned, he just doesn' t have the guts to say it.
Make a life and your 2 children and be happy.

Take Care

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Anon | 2008/11/25

Firstly, you sound really perfect to me.
Secondly, he is behaving like an ars*hole. You should tell him that you can always lose weight as you please, but each morning he wakes up, he' ll STILL be an ars*hole!!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Darkie Bra | 2008/11/25

56 Kg to me seems ok to me ( depend how much u gained since being with him also )what is his definition of correct wieght.he is playing mind games. fact is he will always be the father to that child but dont let him sacrifice you doing it.yes he is ejoying his new toy . Damn woman have some pride walk out find some one to apprciate u better (dont cheat , leave that to him). he know you would never leave that s why he knows he will get away with murder

Reply to Darkie Bra
Posted by: Leez | 2008/11/25

Simple solution to your problem. Tell his sorry-|-to p*** off. Build a new life for yourself....

Reply to Leez
Posted by: Nika | 2008/11/25

Dear Heartbroken

NO man is worth puttig yourself through something like that. I am sure it is difficult to even stomach the thought of him with another woman and having a child but we as woman tend to just SOAK up everything.

Take is from me, I' ve never been married but was planning to and recently got out of it not because I wanted to but because he felt that he doesn' t want a relationship anymore seeing that people were telling him all sorts of lies. After 3years of loving and living for him he felt it was not worth it. Has been doing all sorts of stupid stuff to hurt me and YES he succeeded. He even slept with my sister recently which makes the HURT all the more painfull!! BUT and a BIG BUT up to the point now that I' ve decided to move to another place and make new memories for my daughter and me ( who' s not his by the way).

The first thing you have to do here is that about yourself and telling yourself THAT YOU HAVE SOOOO MUCH MORE WORTH THAN WHAT HE IS GIVING YOU!!!! Take care of yourself and love yourself most importantly so that in that way you can be the best mom you ever for your kids. I know its difficult but my sister ONE DAY AT A TIME WILL MAKE SUCH A BIG DIFFERENCE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRY!!!

I believe that one day someone will see how beautifull you are (from the inside) and love most importantly for the person you are!!

So hang in there tell yourself what matters NOW is YOU!!

Reply to Nika
Posted by: Mom | 2008/11/25

Lower is right - you need to stand up for yourself.

FAT at 56kgs?? Good grief woman, you want to be a skeleton for this man??

HE had the affair, HE didn' t use protection and HE lied to you.

You are not at fault here and I think you should tell him where the road is if he keeps treating you like this and making you feel less about yourself.

NO man in worth that. You have your kids and life, dont let him take that away from you.

Reply to Mom
Posted by: Lower | 2008/11/25

No one can help you Sisi, Except your self you know what your heart is telling you listen to it and act accordingly.

the thing that will never happened to me is to be a skeleton to please someone' selse fantasy, I love my bones with meat, but if what you want to be a skelton go ahead, i wonder what will happened after 3 months when he wakes up and say I hate skeletons would you eat the whole world so that you can be fat again,

Your life is about you, you only. There is something you hate so much about him, can he go and change it to keep you ? Your fattiness is just an excuse for him to fulfil his stupidy fantansy, Iam 71k now, he must come one day and said Im fat, Iam gonna sit with my bums on his face for 3 hours and see the results after that

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