Posted by: | 2020/09/17

Can I be too broken to love?

I was in a really bad place when I met my husband. I was hardly eating and would only have one meal a day which would be a meal replacement. I was overweight as a child (it was only as an adult that I found out I had an under active thyroid) and was bullied constantly throughout school, I still carry the wounds. Because of that I always assumed being thin meant I had worth and so I got to the point all my bones were showing and I liked looking thin and having people tell me I need to put on weight or comment that they can see my rib cage when I wore a vest.. I met my husband online and we chatted for a while before meeting up. He accepted me for who I was and brought out the best in me to the point I was finally able to wean myself off of clonazepam (after having been on them daily for a decade) and because I was happy, I started to eat again. Eating 3 proper meals a day meant my skinny, bony body gradually became no more and now I am a size 12. I'm very tall so most people think I look okay but I can't stand the way I look and feel I will only be beautiful if I have bones. Our sex life is suffering greatly because I can't bear for my husband to see my body most of the time and wish we had met when I was this size so he couldn't have something better to compare me to. His past relationships were with women who were really good looking with slim bodies and so I can't help but torture myself thinking he wanted a slim wife but now has a dumpy one. It is really ruining everything and I don't know what to because when I see myself I hear all the bullies words and torture myself with images of my husband's exe's who had better bodies. I can't afford therapy and don't know what to do. I feel too broken for love.

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Our expert says:
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- 2020/09/18

Fortunately you are definitely not too broken to love.  But what puzzles me is that you seem to be describing a classical, typical severe Eating Disorder, yet you don't mention anyone having ever recognized this, and you don't speak of having received any expert treatment and help for it. This can be a very miserable disorder to have, yet can respond really well to treatment. 
I'm puzzled by your reference to Clonazepam, as I can't think of any good medical reason why anyone should have been placed on such a drug, especially in your condition, and surely not for a decade.  Congratulations on getting yourself off it ; avoid any doctor who wants to prescribe it or its relatives to you in the future.
See a psychiatrist and psychologist specializing in eating disorders, for a full assessment and a discussion of treatment options. CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour therapy ( is excellent for identifying and revising all the bad habits of assumptions, thought and behaviour that have so deformed your ability to lead and enjoy a normal life, and you can become free from the obsession with your appearance and with what you imagine other people might think about it.  Actually, the truth about most other people is that they are much too selfish and self-absorbed to notice and pay attention to you.  Very few people actually find it attractive to see someone 's bones showing ( except perhaps for some very disturbed people in Pro-Ana sites ). You have bones, of course, or you'd be a sort of puddle on the floor, but you don't need to show them off, any more than someone bragging about their pancreas or ears.  
You are of great worth because you are You, whatever size or shape you may have. Once you manage, with proper expert psychological help, to start eating normally, and exploring and learning to love all the good parts about you,  you will be more free to love and to allow yourself to be loved, in turn.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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