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Question
Posted by: HOPE | 2007/05/07

TOLD ABUSERS I PLAN TO WRITE A STORY

I was sexually abused as a child. I have told my abusers (father and brother) that I plan to write a book about the devastating affects of child abuse. No reply yet, however I told my mother, she went off her rocker accusing me of abusing them all by telling the story!!!!!!!!!!!!! and being a rapist as she said that if my brother's children find out about what there father did it will be like me raping them, have you ever heard of such an odd thing to say. Right now I am raw with pain, severly depressed and feeling like a freak. Sometimes I think it may have been better to live with the pain than confront the people concerned.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Your mother, if she acted as you report, behaved with breathtaking irresponsibility ! Does she really acknowledge that your father and brother raped you, and yet feel that they must be protected and the story kept secret ? Then she is a co-abuser. And she finds it fine for your brother's children to be exposed to possible abuse by him, but sees the only possible harm to them discovering what their father is capable of ? Sounds like you're the only one in your family who is decidedly NOT a freak

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Our users say:
Posted by: M | 2007/05/10

I've just read this now, it seems your mother is in denial. Its like she doesn't want to believe it. Partly it could be because she is/has been in a comfort zone. Another could be shock and living in a bubble. However like everyone else has mentioned she hasn't really heard you or acknowledged your feelings, pain and anquish. Another aspect of this is that she is your mother, should have protected you, how could she not have known, she is married to your father and as parents gave birth to you and to your brother another abuser. Think the whole family needs counselling but you need to start with yourself. Write and go for CBT counselling. Writing is theurapeutic in itself, whether as journalling or telling your story. Whether it gets published or not, the fact that you went through this cathartic experience of writing will be part of the healing and closure you need in your life.

Change names and places ....that would be the way to go to protect people living.

Reply to M
Posted by: JANET | 2007/05/09

THANK YOU GRACIE FOR THE SUPPORT - WE NEED TO TAKE A STAND AND PROTECT EACH OTHER FROM MONSTERS AS DESCRIBED IN MOST OF THE ABOVE

PLEASE DO NOT BE BOTHERED BY PEOPLE THAT SECRETLY OR OPENLY JUDGE YOU FOR WHAT "THEY" DID TO YOU. PEOPLE THAT WOULD JUDGE YOU, ARE NOT WORTH ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE, I KNOW THAT THEY MEANT NOTHING TO ME WHEN I WENT THROUGH IT. ONCE I HAD THE COURAGE TO SPEAK UP, I FELT THIS HUGE SENSE OF RELIEF AND IT WAS A FORM OF PURGING

BLESS EVERYONE THAT HAS HAD TO GO THROUGH THIS

Reply to JANET
Posted by: Gracie | 2007/05/08

You have an obligation towards yourself and others to protect them from abuse - you should write the story, name the perpetrators even if it means your mother never speaks to you again - they were supposed to protect you as a child, not abuse you. How do you know your brother is not abusing his own children - I firmly believe that once an abuser always an abuser -why would he change? You must go ahead with this - it might even prove to be very therapeutic - child abuse is so cruel - little do the abusers know the damage they are doing to the victim - you are grown up now and you can stand up to them even if it is only through writing about it and making it known. Your mother should be ashamed of herself - by refusing to acknowledge what happened to you, she is in effect condoning their behaviour - no mother in her right mind would want something like that to happen to her daughter and still allow the abuser to get away with it.

I have a 47 year-old cousin who was sexually abused by her oldest brother and her father - her brother used to take her to the mine dumps and have intercourse with her whilst her father watched and masturbated. The truth only came out when her mother caught her father molesting his own granddaughter - if she had never caught him, he would've gone to his grave with his sick secret.

I wish you the best of luck - you did not deserve what they did to you, but they certainly deserve to be punished for what they did to you and if they only punishment they get is being identified as child molesters in your story, then so be it and if your mother wishes to turn her back on you, then it's fine - where was she when you were being violated by the very people you were supposed to trust? Never think of yourself as a freak - you were a victim of abuse and once you have written about it, you will feel like the survivor that you are.

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Shae | 2007/05/08

If this will help you get it out - then go for it.

Why should those who never protected you then be protected by you now. But first really sit and digest hwta you are opning yourself up to - there will be your nephews/ nieces. Society at large (people will generally have an opinion about something but secretly judge, this is what iv found). Ask youself if you can handle the consequences you may face and if its constructive rather than destructive. If i were to give my opinion without censoring it first it would be to do it - abusers should not be allowed to walk among us undetected, robbing us of our innocence while darning their sheeps clothing. They should be made to wear signs by which everybody can recognise them for who they are. In an ideal world this could be done but we do not live in an ideal world and people are easily corrupted.

Whatever you decide, first make sure you are not harming yourself by doing it.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

Reply to Shae
Posted by: lady nina | 2007/05/08

hi there

as a survivor myself i understand that you're doing the best you can to cope with the past
however you should be very honest to yourself as to why you are going to write everything down
is it part of your healing process where you can give hope to others?
is it to expose the guilty parties?

what do you hope to get from all this writing ?
do you wish to publish it?
do you hope for them to own up for what they've done?

I think you need to take responsibility for what happened - you choose how you are going to respond towards this that happened in your life. i believe after such a thing we never feel safe anywhere so rather work on getting to a place where you are emotionally safe and secure - once we get to that place we are survivors and no longer victims

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Britty | 2007/05/08

Name and shame your abusers - people who know them will spread the warning and maybe you will have prevented these two abusers hurting others.

I hope to see your story in a well known magazine soon but don't stop with the naming and shaming of your abusrers get help for yourself and be the person you should be. Take Care.

Reply to Britty
Posted by: C. | 2007/05/08

Hi girl.

You're entitled to write a book of your life if you so please. I actually did. I wrote everything down that happened in my life and I called the abusers by the name. Unfortunately, that book got confiscated by the police when I ran away. They did nothing about it. Just found me and took me back to my house of terrors. So it didn't help me one bit.

I think someone should write a book and publish it! Use a nickname and change the names of your abusers. You'll be helping someone, and that should be enough. You know the truth. And you can be healed.

My abuse stopped 17 years ago, and I still struggle with the load it placed on my shoulders. I also have a kid, now 3. Didn't get along till very recently.

Reply to C.
Posted by: JANET | 2007/05/08

I HAVE READ THIS COLUMN WITH GREAT INTEREST AND HURT - PLEASE PEOPLE WHEN YOU KEEP THESE HAPPENINGS SECRET YOU ARE ACTUALLY PROTECTING THE ABUSERS - THE FAMILY IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ATROCITIES THAT THE PEODOPHILE COMMITS BUT IF WE COVER UP WE ARE ASSISTING THEM TO CARRY THIS FORWARD

I WAS AN VICTIM OF ABUSE AND MY EX HUSBAND IS A PEODOPHILE.

Reply to JANET
Posted by: Chelle | 2007/05/08

Your mom is being insensitive to your needs and I think doesn't fully acknowledge the pain childhood abuse does.

But, you know, being a sexual abuse survivor myself, I decided, for the very same reason she cited, not to go public with what happened - to protect other family members. So I do understand her point. Your brother's children will be affected by this book. So, do give that some thought and accept that this will happen.

But this is your story, and you have every right to tell it, and depending on how you go about it, it could be helpful to any other abuse victims. You should do what YOU need to do - but always try and do things with the right intentions.

Whatever you decide - hope it all turns out well!

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Connie | 2007/05/08

You can never predict how people will respond to hearing about sexual abuse, especially if they are family. Your mother's response, you can be sure, is tied up with her own feelings. She may feel so ashamed of her role that she is terrified of the story coming into the open, because her role will be plain for all to see.

Telling your story in public is very important, not only for you but for everyone: the more the community hears about sexual abuse the better the chances of us stopping it. But I think you should also see a therapist: your own healing is unlikely to come about through your book, as your experience already shows. Healing comes from you working through things yourself.

Reply to Connie
Posted by: JANET | 2007/05/08

TELL YOUR STORY - BRING IT OUT INTO THE OPEN - YOU WILL ULTIMATELY BE SAVING YOUR NIECES AND NEPHEWS - DO YOU THINK THAT THE MONSTERS THAT CALL THEMSELVES\ YOUR FATHER AND BROTHER WILL STOP AT JUST ABUSING YOU. NOOOOOOOOOOO THEY WILL NOT

DO YOUR STORY AND DON'T LET THE SCANDAL BE COVERED OVER BY THOSE THAT CONDON IT. YOUR MOTHER ALSO NEEDS TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR NOT PROTECTING YOU THAT IS WHAT SHE IS THERE FOR TO PROTECT HER CHILDREN AND THAT GOES FOR YOUR FATHER AND BROTHER - THAT IS WHAT THEIR ROLES IN LIFE ARE - TO PROTECT THEIR OFFSPRING NOT ABUSE THEN

GOD BLESS YOU WITH PEACE AND TRUE LOVE

Reply to JANET
Posted by: Lady man | 2007/05/08

Hi

Tell the story. I am with you 100%. It is about your story. So what if people will know who they are. It will show people who they really are and what they did. Keep your head UP. Do not care what others will say, as long as you know that you gaive the facts as they are.

Reply to Lady man
Posted by: RMC | 2007/05/08

Good for you. And if your brother is such a low thing of scum how do you know is children are safe from him anyway?

Reply to RMC
Posted by: SR | 2007/05/07

Writing the story will be theraputic for you whether it gets published / public or not. Share the content with a qualified therapist and get professional help in getting what is inside out of your system.

also seek assistance and guidance on the Sexual Abuse Forum, there are a great circle of peers there who can assist you in dealing with your feelings

Reply to SR

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