Posted by: me | 2005/07/11

todays a bad day...when will this end

what should I do, today is a bad day. I can only listen to strangers like you who seem to inspire for some unknown fact. Yesterday I worked through the suicidal actions,I through the pills down the drain. I stayed strong. Yet I also through away the good pills in anger that would make me better against these suicidal thoughts. yet today Im suppose to be studying now, how can I?? Not like this!... I cant stop cutting, Im in pain!.. I need to release the anger and pain against myself for losing all my friends, for always hurting myself, and I want to hurt myself to get back at my rapists still, its the only thing that makes me feel better. I write prelims later this week. Im gonna fail, I cant work through this, I need inspiration, my minds a mess. The only release at the moment is to reject the food I have been given and to see the blood run from my arms... but who cares, Im only harming myself...!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear me,
Good to hear from you. Hearty congratulations on doing so very well and so very wisely yesterday, disposing of the pills that were tempting you towards self-destruction, and staying strong. Explore other ways to express the anger, rather than cutting. If you'll read older orum posts on cutting, in the archives, you'll find how others have used other methods. Some have found it useful to use my technique of, instead of cutting, using a red (washable !) marker to draw great red slashes on their arms and elsewhere --- expressing the fury --- but afterwards you can wash them off, an there are no scars. FOr the sharp ping of pain that can interrupt the growing sense of anger of despair, some find it handy to wear a strong rubber band round their wrist, which they can pull and let it SnAP hard against the arm, for a suddent short sharp pain. Again, it can be effective, but not damaging.
Try also to keep things in proportion -- yes, it FEELS as if you have lost all your friends, but probably some were not really friends, and others are not really lost. When you have finished sorting ou al this Stuff, you will be able to regain those that are worth having, and form nerw and better friends.
Draw savage pictures of the pain and anger. Draw pictures of your rapists, and poke holes in the pictures, then burn the pictures. Damaging yourself doesnt in te least hurt those who attacked you.
Maybe you'lll need some more, carefully chosen pills --- but make an arrangement with someone trustworthy in your family, that THEY will keep your pills in a locked and safe place, and only give you the right amount each day, and watch you take them, so you're able to get some benefits from them, but unable to be tempted to overdose.
Maybe you might fail these exams, and if this happens, you know, that won't actually be a disaster, but an inconvenience. It'll give you more time to work with a proper shrink on repairing yourself and your psyche, and preparing to take them a bit later, as the examiners must allow you to do, on medical grounds.
Take control instead of evelling in the temporary exhileration of losing control --- eat that good food, and stop the cuttin. Express the anger on paper ( write down in a journal the fury you feel against those who hurt you --- put the pain OUT THERE . rather than nursing it in here and on yourself. You can get through this and become a stronger person.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lucille | 2005/07/11

Hi There,
I really know what you going through.
I was raped at a very young age and sexually abused again at 18. I thought it was all my fault and years of shame and guilt led me to cutting myself. It somehow made me feel better. Or so i thought. It only helped for that second, thereafter i was filled with guilt and shame about hurting myself. Believe me its a no win situation.
Well done for not taking an overdose. Its really not a way out. I thought it was, but thanks to God I know that Its not.
He is our Comforter, God is our Refuge & Strength. It won't take away the pain but it surely lightens the heavy load you carrying.

I think you need to go see a professional phsycologist to help you with your feelings and finding the correct way of expressing them because hurting yourself is not the right way.
It does more damage to you inside than it does out, and as you know the outside scars look bad, so you really just hurting the real you inside even more.
I wish I could meet with you and chat, but know that i can't. So all I can say now is Good Luck, I know the road looks dark but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Perhaps you should talk to someone about writing your prelims, I assume you're in matric. Talk to a teacher. Get the help you deserve. You are what matters !!!

I will keep you in my prayers.
God be with you, God protect you and Comfort you, let his grace shine upon you and give you peace.

Reply to Lucille
Posted by: Skiboo | 2005/07/11

This morning I realised something - I always thought that I had dark "rooms" of my soul that was even hidden from me. Areas of my life or my being that was so well hidden, but that influenced who I was and how I reacted to life. This morning I realised that God's love is so strong and so powerful and His love shines in those dark areas of my soul. Even if I don't know how to handle life, or cope, or carry on, or deal with the problems at hand, He does. And His love for me is so strong that I can do all these things with Him. Even my deepest, darkest secrets is illuminated by His love. I hope you come to the same realisation as well - it doesn't mean that my problems will go away, or that miracously I will be healed from all in my life. It does mean that I have God with me every step of the way, though.

Reply to Skiboo
Posted by: ec | 2005/07/11

phone LIFELINE for telephonic councilling - their number is at the top of this page!!

Reply to ec
Posted by: Tessa | 2005/07/11

Hi me
You are right, the people on this forum are of great support in many difficult situations! And 'we' will do anything we can to give comfort and advice.

I'm sorry you have had to go through such horrible things. I can't imagine the effects of being raped. Have you seen a councellor for that?
Hurting yourself because of those rapists is just adding to their sick cause.
Criminals that rape only do it to destroy a life that is so obviously better than their worthless lives. Don't let them win.

I have read a few posts over the last few days about people cutting themselves. It makes me feel like crying - why is it so easy to get addicted to that?

Congratulations - for being able to throw those pills away! That must have taken the biggest GUTS!! :0)
You need to get some help though. Isn't there maybe a teacher you can speak with? They may be able to get you ready for prelims - or get an extension of some sort for you.

Your friends obviously tried to get you to stop cutting - you know what you need to do - you need to have the support of your friends, but if you don't want to listen to them how can they help you.
You need to appologise to your friends and ask them to help you.

Please do everything you can to get some help!
Imagine how strong you will be when you overcome this!!! And who knows how many people you can help.

Good Luck and keep your head up!!!

Reply to Tessa
Posted by: Debi | 2005/07/11

God cares and He knows what you are going through. Through Him all things are possible.

Reply to Debi

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