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Posted by: blompot | 2005/12/07

today I need some advice badly

I have this “thing” that people perceive me as being very intense – too intense. My tone of voice puts people on guard or frightens them. When I hear this I am sometimes really stunned because many a time it was not intended in that way – to top it all apparently I have this “look”. I have very green eyes so I don’t now if that contributes? (look at me trying to justify this ?)

This really bothers me. In the past I have been a people pleaser, been a push over and walked over easily, really experienced big time hurt. I had to consciously teach myself to be assertive – but now I think sometimes I am just reverting to bitchiness in order to get my message across or to protect myself, and it getting to the ones I love. And thats not on!!



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Our expert says:
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its actually not unusual that some of us find that we have an impact on other people that is different from what we intend o want --- again, a skilled psychologist using CBT and related techniques, can help one identify where this needs to change, and to help us to achieve those changes. Bitchiness is being aggressive, not assertive --- and the therapist can help you clarify what this needs to be, and how to do it

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Blompot | 2005/12/07

I can believe that it is hard. And it actually very unfair on you

And "bad friend" - is he the “smirkey” type that just carries on regardless? Have you spoken or confronted “bad friend” at any stage or time about his ways?

We also have a friend like that in our group – very nice very nice, but the spongy type never able to contribute when we go out ext ext. It’s fine once in a while – I mean we all have budgets but hell. One friend actually said he bus be careful that he does not get “uitgestoot uit die trop soos ‘n ou olifant bul nie”

My bf and I also said it good to socialize with other couples – and friends that is conducive to the relationship. Maybe that’s another solution or something to

Reply to Blompot
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/07

Nope - you're hitting the nail on the head. That's what I'm trying to do - it's one of his friends (I call him 'bad friend') that has caused problems for us in the past - bf is obviously NOT (even after numerous fights about this guy) going to let go of this guy and their friendship (not that I've ever asked him to do it, I've only been honest about how this person is affecting me) eventhough it's causing me grief... So just have to try to accept that..... IT'S A HARD ONE TO SWALLOW.

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: blompot | 2005/12/07

I only recently discovered this great forum (like maybe) a week ago, so I think I recall postings by yourself. Only getting to know everyone’s unique situations and challenges.

If external “people/situations” cause problems – and if it is a “people/situations” that wont disappear I can whole heartedly understand that it does pose as a risky maybe explosive type situation – vice versa. And then yes I can see why you would also protect yourself.

But it seems as if the two of you are committed to each other? Maybe if you can sort of agree that this one thing – although it does cause hurt and conflict – will not come between what you have. Sort of agree to disagree on this? Or am I missing the point?

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Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/07

Hi blompot, you make sense, yes. And you might be right. We have a few issues (don't know if you remember from previous postings) and there are things that upsets me, so he might be scared / cautious of anything else that might do the same, not that I throw my toys out the cot everytime these things come up - but it causes friction between us. It's a tough one, don't think these issues will be solved (ever) as it involves people that won't dissappear - but I'm trying my best to handle it in the best way possible at the moment.
The thing is, I don't intend to look angry. I don't intend to come accross cold. It's some sort of natural reaction, and the only reason I can find is because I'm trying to protect myself. I'm going to try and work on it... but it's a tough one!

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: blompot | 2005/12/07

Thanks for that motivation – I will do just that. And yes I believe that my partner will support me, he is a honey. And luckily I will be starting a new job in Jan

I think most people have a inherent defence mechanism that kicks in when your maybe feeling insecure or scared. You get people that’s the blasé type but maybe very touchy, or the load mouths that’s actually introverted. I think we may overcompensate in a way – like what you said when we sometimes react a bit intensely to get a point across.

To be introverted by nature and act that way I don’t see as wrong – as long as you still have normal social abilities and not lock yourself away I think you are okay. But if it is affecting your BF maybe you can seek a solution together. And you know what – you may be protecting yourself, and may have some insecurities, but I also think that’s sort of something we all do from time to time.

Have you ever thought that your BF might just be projecting what he is feeling – insecurity because of his perceiving you not being warm or angry looking? He might think its towards him? Now I have to ask if I make sense?

Reply to blompot
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/07

I think it's a great idea to sit down and talk to your family. Explain to them the situation you find yourself in - it will make it clear to them that you are aware of how you've been behaving lately, and that you're working on it - also maybe apoligize and tell them that you never wanted to be rude, etc. I'm sure they'll understand.
All is fair in love and war? I think you should be totally open with your partner too. Take the risk of sounding complex, I bet you your partner isn't that simple either ;O) We are complex beings, us humans... At least you're willing to open your heart to him and share with him something you're struggling with - again, it will make it clear to him that you're aware of your behaviour and that you're willing to work on it. I'm sure he'll support you!!
Practice makes perfect - good luck. I'm having to work on being more... open and warm and 'not angry-looking' ... although that's the last thing I am - angry! It's such a pity that people sum you up the wrong way sometimes.
I do feel though that I have to protect myself a lot... not sure why... Insecurities??? Your thoughts?

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: blompot | 2005/12/07

Thanks Pencil. And yes - you make allot of sense! And I can imagine how you felt when your b/f said that to you – when in your mind that’s not the perception you want to create. You are so right - to sort of take a step back and reassess a situation is sometimes the best way, because o yes can I sometimes just “flip” and then say things that I see as quite logical or asked for - But I know I will have to practice hard at that. Maybe I can speak to my loved ones and try to explain, because this have been more apparent the last month or so (I think directly related to very difficult work situation)? My parents understand me (or they try to) but it’s difficult on the love front. I believe in sharing 100% with your partner - but at the risk of sounding whack or complex? What do you think?

Reply to blompot
Posted by: Bluebean | 2005/12/07

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind dont matter and those who matter, dont mind - Dr Suezz

Reply to Bluebean
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/07

Hi blompot.. My bf told me last night that I sometimes look angry, and come over as cold / angry / stiff. I was shocked to death. I know I'm more a formal person, a little bit introverted, but give me time and I'll blossom and be the centre of the party... To hear something like that, isn't nice, nor when you realize it about yourself. I too was someone that people walked over - I'm still too nice and too considerate (especially when it comes to my bf) and then people use you and treat you the way you allow them to... So I also changed, and I am more assertive now, but I can relate to you totally, because I sometimes also act quite 'bitchy' (to call it that) - I think we are so aware of bringing our points accross that we tend to overreact a little bit - just to unconsciously make sure we are getting the message accross? I think... when you are in a situation that you need to stand up for yourself or say not to someone - stand back for a minute, and think about how you're going to react, and if you feel like reacting very strongly, make sure it's the right thing to do, and that you're not maybe blowing the situation up in your mind to something it's not really worth being.
Am I making sense? I hope so!!

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