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Question
Posted by: Yellow | 2005/06/28

To SR from Yellow - Realisation

I think the realisation dawned on me over the last year. Although on a business level I am very assertive, will tackle inter-personnel issues with a certain level of maturity and even fight for those in a weaker position, including myself, on a personal level I suck.

I realised when I needed someone I was totally incapable of standing up for myself.

I have three kids and it is very important to me to give them security and a good education. I work very hard and get above average increases and bonuses as a result. I also completed a degree last year to ensure that I would have the earning capability to pay for at least private education through high school, and university if that is what they want.

What I wanted from my husbands was support through this process. My aims were not so high with my first husband and he was irresponsible. I still believed in "for richer or for poorer" in those days and stuck by him. His bad decisions were the cause of the "for poorer" though. When I found out he had had affairs I left him outright.

With my second husband I thought we were aiming for the same thing. We bought our own house and my plan for the kids was starting to take shape. Then everything went south. He gave up his job to start his own business. For two and a half years I stressed until it finally came down to the crunch and I had to sell the house to pay off the debts. I was so angry I left him, I said that if he wanted me back he was to sort out his shit. He was so angry with me he had an affair.

I felt so guilty when I took him back that I basically threw myself into our relationship blaming everything on myself. Every curiosity he had ever had about sex I allowed. I obssessed about his affair. Eventually I felt worthless. I agonised over why he chose to have an affair rather than fix the things I asked him to fix for us to be together again. Again after he moved in with me he got himself into a lot of debt. He blamed me for alot of things and I took the blame. Eventually I felt hopeless, that I was not needed only the money I provided was needed. Despair, soul searching, worthlessness - depression.

Somewhere along the road my cousin said to me that I alway gave her good advise, why don't I follow my own advice for a change. She said to me "you get treated the way you allow people to treat you". I started to think about that. Two days after that my husband forced me to have sex. I figured if I started allowing that behaviour from him, I had no dignity left and was truly worthless. I demanded he come to therapy with me. He refused so I told him to leave. After much fighting he agreed.

So now we wait and see if this will work.

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Our expert says:
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Congratulations, and well done !

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Our users say:
Posted by: ec | 2005/06/28

Wow! I take my hat of to you!! i'm glad you've stopped beating yourself up and blaming everything on you....don't put up with any more nonsense!!!
cheers!

Reply to ec
Posted by: SR | 2005/06/28

Yellow = Stick to your guns. Good on you. People can either make you or break you. Make a concerted effort to emerge from this one victorious. Best wishes

Reply to SR

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