Posted by: Anon | 2009/03/27

To ME re marraige

Hi ME - you are so right - people don' t change. You have my sympathies because I know exactly how you feel. I told my husband about 2 years ago that I cannot do this anymore, and he promised he would change etc etc, which he did for a while, but then everything went back to the way it was. I tried talking, encouraging etc, but I can only do this for so long before I also get sick and tired. He is just an extremely unhappy person and the smallest uphill or problem makes him depressed and stressed. He does not talk to me and I have to drag everything out of him. We will go days without talking. I am just feeling very unhappy today because surely this is not how a marriage should be. Compromise, but I' m the only one compromising here. I know that I am only telling my side of the story, but I' ve tried, and damn hard too, but I' m done. He needs to decide what he wants now!

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Our expert says:
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Actually, I think people can change, but usually only when they want to and when they try really hard. Simply waiting for someone who behaves hurtfully, to change, is unlikely to be useful

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Our users say:
Posted by: T | 2009/03/27

I think it' s about balance, not expecting too much. Especially when a marriage therapist, psychologist and gp say exactly the same thing. Plain balance thats all it is

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Posted by: Eish | 2009/03/27

I think people expect way too much out of marriage.

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Posted by: T | 2009/03/27

I knew my x for 5yrs before we married, didn' t live together. The first couple of years were ok, from there it went downhill. I divorced him a year and half ago. He came back after 24 days. We have been together for 22yrs now. Don' t think he wants to change, loves his comfort zone

Reply to T
Posted by: Really | 2009/03/27

You met them knowing they were like that, then you decided you want them to be in a certain way..... it never works... never marry someone that you know you will not be able to stand...

There are things that we can learn to live with even though we don' t like those things and there are things we can not stand and can definately not live with.....

That' s why courting someone for a " long enough"  period is advisable because a person can only pretend for so long. And as the relationship matures and grows... we get to know our partners further and better... then we can make decisive decisions, with them in our plans for the future or NOT.

And that' s part of the Math of relationship.. only a part of it though! :-)

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Posted by: R | 2009/03/27

I agree with CS that a person can change. I have. It takes a lot of hard work and effort but it is worth it. What the bad thing was for me, is after changing to who my partner wanted me to be, my partner cheated on me and now I must try and cope!!!!!

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Posted by: Anon | 2009/03/27

Hi ME, I read CS' s posting about people can change, and I have to disagree. They can try for a while, but eventually they go back to how they were. I' ve also tried to change, but then you have to become like them and that is definitely not who I want to be, and in fact I cannot be like that. I' ve decided that I' m going to have a good talk with him tonight - I' ve reached the end today.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: ME | 2009/03/27

Anon, i see u r on ur second year of trying. I stopped trying years ago. Why fight things thats not going to change? Do u know how many nights I was awake thinking of how I can change to make things better? Until i realised it was not me that needed to change. I am telling u, its not worth staying together and hoping things will change. Ask me, I am on that road. Things never changed.

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