Posted by: Bigeasy | 2006/10/24

To Lea-ann

Thinking that you will never get married to a man who at one stage will never cheat on you will be like living in an unrealistic and dreamland. I love my lady dearly but at some stage i will cheat and not that i no longer love here.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Let's hope taht when you cheat you will apply the 100% condom rule

Dr E McIntosh

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/25


(hows that for a short comment!!)

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: k a k s a k | 2006/10/25

Foxy ... why the hell do you always have to write such a hell of a long story with every post, takes me 3 hours to scroll down past your comment, hahahaha

Reply to k a k s a k
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/24

Lee-ann I'm very sorry to hear about your husband's infidelity. Its a confusing time for any wife and causes you to ask yourself a million questions.

But remember, not all cases are the same. It is easy to prescribe a formula or come up with a quick answer as to what you should do but cases are supposed to be examined on their merits, or demerits. I cannot tell you leave or tell you stay. No one but you knows what you are going thru so to assume answers can be prescribed at a snap of a finger is like a doctor listening to you briefly describe your symptoms, but then - without examining you or running any tests – purporting to know exactly what the problem is and scheduling an operation. A doctor who listens to your symptoms will have an idea. But a doctor who examines you and runs tests will have a far better idea. So while you can take advice from this forum, remember that it is just advice. We do not know the extent of your pain and hurt and the full background to this story

It is quite possible your husband still dearly loves you and still really wants his marriage to work. With infidelity I feel it is only fair to hear the cheating partner out; not because their opinion weighs more than yours but because 2 ppl who love each other must hear each other out before parting. Hear him out in full, if you have not done so already. Ask what questions you will, but only when he is done. Get his full and uninterrupted train of thought. And be aware that sometimes when a man keeps quiet during a so called question-answer session, its not always that he is disrespecting you by refusing to answer. It could be that he literally is stumped for what to say. When a man cheats and is caught out, he is also asking himself a million questions, just like you the wife are. Especially if he still loves you, he is asking himself a million questions.

I am not defending married men who stray. I am saying it is possible for a man who loves you to cheat on you. This is a school of thought I know many ppl do not subscribe to but I believe it to be true.

In rare instances, marriages or relationships are strengthened after an affair. Ppl realise what they almost lost and there is renewed commitment to make it work, renewed perspective on whats important and what must be prioritised i.e time together. In other instances ofcourse, its a perpetually rocky road in the wake of the affair and things never quite come right. Trust is something that is not easily repaired. It is like breaking a china ornament, sometimes you can glue it back together but it will always have fault lines. I hesitate to say whether your marriage is one which will be strengthened by this affair or has been fatally weakened by it. That is for you to decide. A visit to a counsellor - with your husband - is a good idea. Do not make any hasty decisions about staying or going. The decisions we make in the heat of the moment don't always bode well for us and those w love. If you need some time to think away from your hubby, thats ok. A couple of days away from him might well help.

You need to weigh what you still see in your husband, against the new profile of a philanderer he now presents. You need to ascertain if it was just a sexual relationship he was having with that woman, or a full relationship. You need to try and get out of him the reason/s he began to stray.

Love, you also need to insist on HIV tests. I'm sorry but if he was skin-to-skin with her, tests need to be done. If he says he protected himself, I hope you feel you can believe him. Defer to not believing him, for your own safety.

Everything about his attitude, demeanour, sensitivity and awareness of your hurt will indicate to you his level of remorse and depth of desire to save the marriage. Watch closely to see what effort he is putting into showing repentance. Verbalising it is not enough. What can you SEE in his actions that would suggest repentance?

Ask yourself deep questions about whether you can trust him again. You may find it hard to trust him completely but there is hope if you can trust him a lot again. It is when a woman feels she cannot trust her husband at all anymore, that she must leave. Never take back a man you have lost all trust in. It is unfair on you and it is unfair on him and it is terribly unfair on any children involved.

I know u said it won't be easy managing on your own should you leave him. But if he loves you he would not see you suffer so I sure he would help you financially and in other ways. Just think out your decision carefully. I hope for the best whichever way it goes.

keep well

Reply to Foxybrown

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.