Posted by: Maturity | 2007/02/21

To Hurt: Re ex girlfriend uses guilt to

To Hurt: Re ex girlfriend uses guilt to keep him (1891)

Let me start off by saying that the previous responses are a very perfect way to respond to a posting like yours.

I must differ with their approach nonetheless.

We are not helping you here if we are saying that you must just leave him. We will have not considered your concerns, issues at stake and probable losses by so forcing you.

1. you do not want to lose this man (yet), not that you have not tried anyway.
2. you've been through a lot together and he's become such a part of your life
3. when you are together it just feels right.
4. you are strong and independent but not when it comes to him.
5. YOU ARE SCARED of being alone
6. YOU COME from that place and dont want to be back there,
7. YOU DONT HAVE A STABLE FAMILY (he has become your family now - in fact the fact that he had committed to her ex (engaged) is indicative enough that he is a family caring type. so you are right there)
7. YOU DO NOT HAVE MUCH FRIENDS to help me through this.
8. this man has become your best friend, lover and family
9. Therefore, YOU CANT see your future without him.
10. Because those first 6 months when it was jus the 2 of you was the most wonderful time of your life.
11. And most IMPORTANTLY you dont want to be without him.
12. ALL THAT YOU ARE ASKING US to do is to HELP YOU WITH how to make him understand my pain? and maybe stick with you, Right?

My first automatic response to you is that, you do not have to break up with him, neither have you got to make him to choose between you and your ex, LIKE THAT. It is clear that there is a lot of loss for you than gain if you walk away.

We would therefore be fooling you if we say that you must just pull the plug off LIKE THAT. That would be very selfish of us and inconsiderate to say that.

Yours is the dilemma that most of us do often find ourselves caught up in. it is a snare in situations like yours.

Remember and bear in mind that I am not saying other people’s advices are not the right ones. I am saying, nonetheless, that the method is very critical. How do you part ways with this situation in a way that would minimize the pain and hurt associated? If parting ways is what you would like to do.

So our advices here must either be on
1. how to win this guy over
2. How to leave him with out hurt, pain and most importantly how to create and be able to seize opportunities for yourself, outside of this relationship wit him?

There may be two or more different approached to this. But I would like to opt for a combined. That is that I would like you to go for therapy – maybe CBT is the best as you have to interrogate a lot more of your thinking, behaviour and emotions.

To win him back, perhaps, you both need to both see therapy – individually and most importantly both of you.

You need to deal with all your issues – not having a stable family, stable network of friends, self love and being selfish. He needs to deal with and be alerted to the effect of his indecisiveness and the hurt and damage it causes both to you and to his ex. In your therapy together, you need to highlight what he has become to you. Maybe towards leaving him, you need to consider how to deal with and accept your family situation etc and therefore learn that you do not have to depend on your boyfriend for your future – you say that without him, you have no future. That is dangerous because as you may learn, that is giving him too much power. Nobody is supposed to have power over your happiness. You should be in control. You should not derive any happiness from having him in your life. You should have love by yourself. Ok lets assume that you give him love which you pour from a vessel, right. Imagine you keep pouring out this love to him over and over again. What is going to happen to the contents of your vessel? Will run dry right? That is what is happening with love. You need to have love with yourself before you can give it to anyone else. Otherwise, you will run out of love. In fact, how will you know if the other person is loving you the way you were supposed to be loved if you have not experienced love given by you to yourself? The only way to keep love is to give it all the time; yet you cannot give what you do not have (for yourself). The only way to have it for yourself, is to ensure that you take care of that love pond of yours, maintain it, keep growing it, clean it, keep it healthy etc. Take care of yourself. Learn by all your senses – touch, smell. Sight, feel, hear etc Learn what sound or words (hear) you enjoy and fulfil you. What kinds of sights do you enjoy seeing etc. Do that on your own. Then you know what fulfils you, what love is for you and you can be able to measure whether this person is the right type of a lover for you or not. And most importantly if he is not there, you will still be able to give yourself love.

Another example by Don Miguel Ruiz in his Mastery of Love book is that of “a magic kitchen” that can provide you with any kind or type of food you can actually ask for or desire at any given point in time. The kitchen will just produce, like that. Now imagine somebody knocking at your door and says, I have this delicious pizza with toppings XYZ and is the top of the range. BUT I can only give this pizza to you on CONDITION that you do A for me. Would you do that? Would you succumb to his plea, given that your kitchen can give you that pizza or even better? NO. So, that is the art of self love – you do not get any love form outside, but ONLY from you (your own magic kitchen). You just have to make your kitchen magic, right now, right here. Your guy here is saying I can give you love, life, family, future etc IF you can understand that I want, as has been pointed out, to two-time you. You must accept this and accept me with this type of a condition. Can you see that? You are falling for it because you are saying without this guy holding this pizza and his conditions, you are nothing. Puleaze!!

In short, you can allow yourself to stick in this relationship for now – I promise you won’t be for long – while busy changing its fundamental pillars through therapy. He may decide that after all, he is meant for that other woman. You will not have lost anything as you will be gaining, being empowered and growing stronger through therapy – thus be ready to lead your own life and be the captain of your own ship, without any fear or doubt. With lost of confidence and zeal. Good luck. In fact you won’t need any good lucks, you will just create them on your own.

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Our expert says:
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Rather idealistic, but worth considering

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jazz | 2007/02/21

what is realistic CS? we are here to hear you advise us. Please CS. yes others do voice out their opinions based on their experience. What would you suggest, that would be interesting to hear sir

to me maturity's advice seems very good

Reply to Jazz

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