Posted by: biebie | 2010/10/29

to do or not to do?


me and my ex were together for 2 years, we were engaged, living together, had sex maybe 3-4 times a week, somedays we only had it once a week, depending on our lust.

thing is he was the cold one and i the hot one. now recently his brother passed away and he was under a lot of stress and depression, hurting my feelings. So much that on tuesday he said we must rather seperate because at this moment he doesnt have feelings for me.

He says he is going around with a lot of hatred, he is totaly not himself. I begged for him not to leave me as i believe we are soulmates, but he just didnt want to take me back.

He first wants to sort out his head, get over his brother's death, and become normal again before he wants to give us another chance. he said it can take up to 3 months for him to be fine, because his 2 other brothers also are rejecting their girlfriends and hurting them and seperating, (he is one of 7 children) so this is not only him thats going through this bad time.

Let me get to the point. last night he sms me, asking for sexy pics and then I must record a video on the cell where I am playing with myself, and mms it to him.

In my past i was able to send sexy pics to previous exes, but since i found true love with him, i have changed and i am not like that anymore. i told him that i dont have a lot of airtime left, so i couldnt do it.

He then phoned me asking me if we can be friends with advantages? like use each other to have sex when the need is there. On the one side, i want him back with all my heart, and if its a way to keep him away from other women in this time of seperation, i will do it, but on the other hand is, what if he decides not to take me back later on and have this loose relationship,(sex only) and i get hurt more?

He told me that no one must know we will still have sex, so everyone must think we are not seeing each other now.

I so desperatly want him in my life back and will do anything for him, i just dont know if it will hurt me in the end more? I know if i have sex with him , my emotions will be of love, his will be of lust only? what do you think? please give advise. thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It appears to me that you do have true feelings for him which makes you very vulnerable at this stage. I would advise against the friends-with-benefits idea as it may only end up with you getting hurt.

Clearly he is hurting over his brother and he and his family need to find a way to deal with it.

True love is about being with each other through good times and the bad, but it seems that he is unwilling to share the hard times with you.

If you're afraid he might turn to someone else for sex, then you are better off without him and u should rather save you love for someone who appreciates it and can reciprocate it. Don't settle for a relationship which is sustained only by sex and sexy photos - you deserve more validation than that.

If he really cares for you, he will come back . Give him the space he needs but don't sell yourself short.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: biebie | 2010/11/02

hey everyone thank you i only came on this site again since tha day i posted , thank you so much, i was stupid, idid send him a few pics , but he deleted it, i was at his moms place on sunday and had a look at his phone when he was gone, so i know he does not have any now, we did have sex , it was so nice, even better than when we were happy still. but some things happened and he said few things to me that made me realise its not worth the try anymore, like he asked me to move in a bachelors flat with him, i must safe money for him to buy a car and then he will take me back imediatly and marry me, i felt so cheap the whole morning, and decided for once to make the right choice. you cant buy love, he drepeatedly said he does not love me anymore, so why must i still try, he is using this death as an excuse to be lazy and to get everything in his lap. and thats not the way i was brouhgt up, i learned that you have to work hard in life to get something, end even if you work hard and dont get it, then accept it, now iwrote him a goodbuy letter, which i will give to him tonite, i am cooking n nice meal for them to remember me by, but tomorrow i am starting a new life without a man in my life, without hurt , i want to be happy and believe it when i say it to myself.i will survive!

Reply to biebie
Posted by: two-stone | 2010/10/29

Biebie - I agree with everyone's comments in that it would be a HUGE mistake to be friends "with benefits" .

I am, unfortunately, inclined to be cynical at times and the one part that I find disturbing is that he will need up to 3 months to get himself right. I have NEVER heard of anyone being able to put a time limit on grieving.

I don't know, something just does not seem right to me. Just do not give in, whatever you do, ok?

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: lizard | 2010/10/29

NO !!! do not do it, I dont care what happened, in my book asking you to do that means he has no respect for you

Reply to lizard
Posted by: Waco | 2010/10/29

Woman you are right.

Debbie, the answer is No, do not send him any pics or videos of yourself.

As woman said, this is a test, and should it fail, you will be exposed and very vunerable to abuse. For you to be there through his grief, is for him to seek comfort from you as well, it remains a two way street.

For him to only want to use you for friendship with advantages,,, is taking advantage of your feelings for him.

I am aware that people all grieve in diffirent ways and we respect that, BUT,with being one of seven children, there is a possibility of him losing another sibling in the future, ,, five more times,,,, will he be leaving you every time?

I think that will be very unfair of him to expect you to accept that, Do what Woman said, then sit back and let him come to you, after his grief.

Do not allow anybody to take advantage of you, ever, rather hurt now than later, Good luck.

Reply to Waco
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/29

Biebie, this is all signs of grief, first thing is to know that it will pass. Do a search on the internet on how to stand by bereaved people. Educate yourself, so you can do the best you can. Most of all, just leave him alone. The one thing I know about men, is that they want to sort out big things alone. Women want to sort out big things by talking and being with loved ones. Men just want to be left alone.

All the things you mentioned as having been through, that was just life. This is a bag of salt - a life changing event. Terminal illness, death of a brother, mother, sister, child. Losing use of your limbs. These are examples of bags of salt. They are relationship makers or breakers.

If you feel you can bring him relief with your body, by all means, do it, but how do you know that you will be okay. Because I can promise you, there is no emotion on his part right now, he isn't capable of it. To him, sex will just be physical release - no love, no emotion, it won't bring you closer.

Though I know that it would help him. So if you do - have sex, and then leave - don't call, don't sms, don't tell him you love him.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: biebie | 2010/10/29

thanks woman, i have alreay bought him cards and gifts and wrote him letter exactly how i feel about him, but still he only wants the sex for now, no other involvement from my side. he does not even want anyone to know we are having sex but no relationship, the thing is he said he does not love me now, that hurts me, cause we already ate tens and thousands of bags of salt together, i have stood by him in courtcase that he won, i have been beside him when he lost his job and was not working for over a year, i paid his loans and debts for him, when he and my family had a huge fight, i chose him rather than them, when he and his mom had fight i stood by him, when his brother died i was there for him for comfort, even though he didnt want me close, gave me a cold shoulder, he stood by me when i had financial problems, i mean how can you just say after 2 years you dont love someone, he must love me, but dont want the responsibilities of a engagement now? he just hangs out with this one friend of his, who drinks alot, and even convinced him into taking alcohol, which he dont usualy do, i dont know! i really dont know what to do?

Reply to biebie
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/29


I can promise you that his reaction is very normal. His brother just died. He needs to make peace with that. But you need to be smart about this now, because he has the capability of hurting you so badly. It is obvious from your post that the two of you are in love. And this is a test. If you are there through his grieving, your relationship will be much stronger.

Write him a letter. The reason for writing instead of telling, is that you get to think out precisely what you want to say and you get to say it right. He gets to have a letter, in your handwriting that he can keep and re-read and so have you close to him. In this letter, you are going to write some of the things you wrote in here - that you think he''s your soulmate, that you''re shocked and sad at his brother''s death. That you understand that he needs to be close to his family right now, that he can be in a relationship right now.

Tell him that you love him. And tell him that you can be his friend and that you will comfort him and be there for him when he needs you, that you can do relaxing things together. And also tell him taht, because you love him so much, you are hoping that when he feels ready, maybe the two of you can give your relationship another chance. Tell him that friends with benefits requires no emotional involvement, and that you are emotionally involved. Tell him that you cannot hurt yourself like this, because you are afraid of starting to feel used and then you might start hating him. Tell him that he means too much to you to be a friend with benefits.

If you are loving and caring, compassionate and deal with his situation with empathy and feeling, he will come back to you. People who grieve think and feel and act differently, it is needed. The only thing you can be to him, is constant hope. There''s an afrikaans saying:"  Julle moet sewe sakke sout saam opeet" , this is a bag of salt.

Good luck to you.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Lego | 2010/10/29

I think RUN!!

Reply to Lego

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