Posted by: Phoenix | 2008/06/30

To Divorce or not?

My husband & I have been married for 4 years but dated for almost 10 years before then. The past two years or so have been really stressful. He's been going on drinking binges often not coming home on weekends. We've been for counselling twice but he says that he doesn't have a problem. He's had 3 accidents in 9 months, drinking & driving.
I've tried to do as much as I can but eventually I moved out for a couple of weeks, he begged me to come back home. I gave him some conditions and he agreed. I stopped at the house oneday unexpectedly and found another woman with him. He said they didn't sleep together & that it was a mistake. Anyway, eventually I went back. Things seemed to be okay for a while but now the drinking sprees have started again. We are not intimate because he is not 'turned on' by me. He says it's okay for us to hug. Everytime after a binge he gets upset if I ask him where he's been and what we're going to do. He always says I mustn't upset him. I have asked him for a divorce but he refused, he says that's how our lives should be. I have gotten to the stage where I am not even unhappy anymore, I'm numb. I dread weekends 'cause I'm not sure what he's going to do. Although during the week we enjoy each other's company and have our laughs, I don't know if it's enough to last another ten years. Has our relationship finally run dry? I'm thinking of doing a DIY divorce but I don't know if it's the right thing, should I give him another chance? I've been thinking more & more about getting divorced, last year it was something I refused to accept as an option, now it's not looking too bad and I'm feeling really guilty! What do I do?

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Our expert says:
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He's an alcoholic, denying his problems, and a danger to himself and others on the roads. Stop forgiving and excusing him. He must go into rehab and then join AA and work on a long-term follow-up program to stay stopped. You don't have to "ask" him for permission to divorce him. There's no point in giving him "another chance" --- an alcoholic will accept and waste a million "last chances". See a lawyer so as to best protect your interests. I don't see any good reason for you to feel guilty at all --- HE is the source of the problem and chooses not to solve it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: another regular | 2008/07/01

LOL GVOR you must really envy John, you can only wish to be able to write and express yourself as well as he does. Its amazing how envy can prick its ugly little green tentacles and shoot another down like you did in your posts above. This wasn't about YOU by the way, the post was intended for the original poster Phoenix and most probably the only reason why you couldn't read John's post to the end is that it probably just flipped above your head....perhaps you should try and improve your ability to understand where others are coming from, some philosophical knowledge may just stand you in good stead. The whole thing about philosophy is knowledge and wisdom and understanding that knowledge is to become wise is to be able to understand.

What do you know about philosophy in any case.....have you studied socrates, plato.... why does it bother you so much.

You say you have been around this forum before others, how can you tell many more have been here longer than you....perhaps they too have changed their nicks over time.

Understanding all this, who gives you the right to criticise and judge anyone else. What you still need to learn in life is a lot and until you have done that, you can only dream of walking in anyone's shadow or shoes....John's that is.

John well said! viva la John

Reply to another regular
Posted by: Anon for this | 2008/07/01

GVOR - ha ha!! Dream on fool, dream on. Your advice is sucky and maybe one day you can learn to kiss John;s toes. John envy you? Ha ha - I like that, really very funny, you should get a job as a comedian. Tx for the joke,,,,

Reply to Anon for this
Posted by: GVOR | 2008/07/01

John, Youve obviously been reading and scrutinizing my advice here. I sense a tone of envy though, true colours,neither gentle nor reasonable? Maybe you crave the simple but effective way in which I write, if so, I dont mind giving you some pointers. There was nothing unreasonable about what I wrote about your style of giving advice, it is a philosophical wanna be kind of style and if I could endure reading through the tiring, confusing, (trying to be ) eloquent sentences, I might make sense of what youre saying. So the point I was trying to make, as I said, nit to be nasty, is that you should try and keep it simple, people lose interest in long winded paragraphs with philosphical mythological tales in them.

As for me being here for a brief time, dont hold youre breath, Ive been on this forum long before you even knew it existed and Im still here. Ive just changed my pseudo as I evolved as an individual over the years. So even if you dont see me responding to every post, Im here, reading them.

Reply to GVOR
Posted by: John | 2008/07/01

Ah, at last: some true colours. GVOR, your nic is ironic as this posting of yours reveals that you are neither gentle and nor can you reason.

I know YOUR type well, though, and have seen through you from the outset. Thankfully, you won't last and i will endure you for the brief time you are here.

Please feel free to have the last say and so without fear of reprisal as I will not be fencing with you hereafter. I will ignore you, as you deserve, so go for it.

Reply to John
Posted by: Phoenix | 2008/07/01

Wow! Didn't even think I'd get a response, just needed to write down what I was going through. Everyone has a fairytale idea of marriage, that you'll live happily ever after. I thought that and now just thinking about getting divorced makes me feel guilty. I keep hoping that he will have some sort of revelation and make an effort to work at his issues. What I do know is that I have a big decision to make. Thanks to those people who replied.

Reply to Phoenix
Posted by: GVOR | 2008/07/01

Who are you John? Seems like youre really trying too hard,just be simple and to the point, your philosophical wanna be style of giving advice makes me lose interest in what you write. Not trying to be nasty,just an honest opinion

Reply to GVOR
Posted by: John | 2008/07/01


I don't know if you realise it but the Phoenix is a mythological (Greek and Egyptian) Bird that rose from the flames of its own destruction. So your nick name is a sign of change, rebirth and regeneration and this is an excellent start. I read your mail a few times, trying to understand what, exactly, it is you were asking because you know what the problems are, and you know what you want to do. Maybe you are looking for permission to be happy, for someone to tell you that its alright to let go of misery and unhappiness and that is okay to try and be happy. And it is, okay, I mean, to be happy and to strive for it. You need to choose happiness, deliberately, as a preferred mental state, over misery. So be happy, you are entitled to it. You are not responsible for your husband - you never were - so do not feel guilt about what he chooses to do. He chooses his life over what you want so you are entitled to do the same. The following quote may not be directly relevant, but you may find these words to be inspiring:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Reply to John
Posted by: Kb | 2008/07/01

The fact that you found him with another woman is enough evidence that he doesnt love or respect you, nevermind that he has a drinking problem to add to the relationship. I would pack my bags and get on with my life.

Reply to Kb
Posted by: CK21 | 2008/07/01

After everything you have explained to us, the picture does seem very gloomy indeed. The most important thing to ask yourself is whether you still love him and want this marriage to work. I personally would not accept my partner having a woman at home. I also would not accept the fact that he goes on drinking weekends and then gets upset with you when you ask him where he was. A relationhsip has to be equal in all respects, mutual respect, love and trust. From what you saying to us, it is evident that your relationship is skewed big-time. The fact that he is not turned on by you is just disgusting from his side - it shows a lack of understanding, compassion and love for you. See someone that you guys can talk to openly, otherwise you know what the inevitable outcome is.....

Reply to CK21

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