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Question
Posted by: Suga | 2005/05/23

To da ladies who managed to save thier marriages & relationships

If your hubby cheated on you more than once and u found out, if at some stage u felt there was no more love between the two of you, if u felt there was no more affection, passion, etc.

But u still hand in there....

Please tell us, how did u two get through that all

Maybe it will motivate us yough couples to maybe "hand in there" too cos i believe all of us want our relationships to last..... so come with it ladies (and men) how does it really work - successfull relationships, i mean......

CS, U welcome too for the input.

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Our expert says:
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In thwe situation you describe, Suga, with a man who cheated repeaedly, and presumably lied or hid it from you ( before you found out ) and you had lost all love --- what would be the reason you might choose to hang around and stay around in that relationship ? I do believe that when a relatonship becomes difficult, and all of them do at times, it is the duty of both partners to try hard to fix things, with expert help if necessary.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: brenda | 2005/05/23

Suga
My ex-hubby had an affair with a married woman, I cried/begged him to stop the affair. On my request we went for marriage counselling to save our marriage but he couldn't give up the affair. I really wanted & tried everything to save my marriage. I then filed for a divorce to save myself from all this heartsore, rejection and humiliation (even though it was the most difficult thing to do!) as I realised his affair is never going to stop and his promises are just empty lies. No relationship/marriage is ever the same once the trust & respect has been broken down...
I also realized that I was the one that had to sacrifice, compromise in this marriage... and that he was the selfish and self-centered one in our relationship.

Since the divorce (which happened 2 years ago) he has also crawled back for forgiveness, and begged me to start a relationship again, etc. Luckily I didn't give in... because after 2 years of divorce he and his mistress are now together (she is only now going through her own divorce process and has already moved in with him!).. After 2 years her husband has also given up hope after he has tried everything to rebuild the trust/their marriage.

Well, what can I say.. leopards do not change...

Reply to brenda
Posted by: Karen | 2005/05/23

Yep, mine's the serial type and I have given up and learned to accept it that way.

It may sound callous but he pay's the rent, the domestic and the creche. I pay the food and we just take each day as it comes.

Prime example, I got home at 18:30 on Friday, he was passed out. I tip-toed around and slept in my son's room. When I got up on Saturday morning I found out that he had got up and gone out after I left. He got home at 13:00 on Saturday and it was claer that it was none of my business where he had been.

I have got to the point where I just leave things be.

Reply to Karen
Posted by: Liza | 2005/05/23

I think that the prevailing attitude on this forum is "If he cheats on you - he's a jerk! You're worth more than that." Then again, I'm not quite sure whether there are ladies here who actually successfully saved their marriages without truly intense couples counselling. And how many guys are there out there who cheat and are then willing to go for the couples counselling. A one-time mid-life crisis affair - this guy would probably be prepared to go. The serial womaniser - not a chance. And most ladies I've seen here with cheating husbands/fiance/boyfriend have problems with the serial womanisers.

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Suga | 2005/05/23

Hey Liza, thanx for the input...

It seems like there is not much ladies who saved their marriges here on the forum as i see u da only one replied.

Or could it be that they dont want to share the stories?

Reply to Suga
Posted by: Liza | 2005/05/23

I think that there are a thousand different answers to this question.

I would guess that a successful relationship works because two parties love each other enough to communicate and be willing to compromise. People who cannot communicate, just cannot be in a successful relationship. And even if people can communicate, they will have problems in a relationship if they're not willing to compromise. This also means that the differences between people should not be too big. A compromise is like a bridge. If the gap is too big, that simple rope bridge is simply not going to do the job. It might need cables instead. This is a higher level of compromise. I also need to say that the bridge has to be built from both sides. If you're too tired because you had to reach the other side on your own, your next bridge might just collapse.

Most people are willing to compromise - up to a certain level. If the differences between 2 people aren't too big, they'll almost never have to compromise beyond their level. Same goes for communication.

I didn't want to save my marriage - my choice. There was very little communication - and only compromise from my side. I just simply refused to build the bridges on my own any further. He got annoyed and asked for a divorce. I jumped for joy and moved in with my sister. I wonder how his affair with his current girlfriend will work out. I doubt whether it will. He'll probably come crawling back to Pretoria licking his wounds within a year. Not that I'm a saint - one thing that I'm still working on is my ability to compromise. Its almost non-existent after my marriage. I've also lived on my own so long that I've become rather selfish. And the fact that if a guy even so much as thinks about commitment - I'm already a dust-dot on the horizon.

Reply to Liza

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