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Posted by: Still hurting | 2005/11/30

To anyone who ever had an affair - please help

My husband had an affair almost two years ago and it lasted for ten months (we've been married for 9 years and have no children). The other woman was married with two kids. He ended the affair and we went for marriage counselling for almost a year. I really felt that it helped at the time. Lately I've been getting down again on a more regular basis and I am starting to think that our marriage will never work out, because I haven't forgiven my husband and MOST DEFINITELY not the other woman. I am feeling so desperate at the moment and I am so dissapointed in myself for being so weak. I keep on telling myself that we can get through this, but then I get down again and re-live the whole thing. I keep on reminding my husband of everything that happened, of all the lies he told me etc and then I feel bad afterwards. I cannot continue punishing him for the rest of his life.
I still wish that this woman would phone or e-mail me and apologise for what she has done to me. I often wonder if she is sorry and if she ever thinks about the damage that she has caused me. I don't for one moment think that she is to blame alone and I know that my husband was not a victim and enjoyed every moment of the affair.
Is there anyone out there that had an affair and apologised to the hurt wife or husband? Did it make you feel better and do you think that this will make a difference in my life? I am so tired of hating this woman. It is destroying me and I know it will destroy my marriage as well. I have always been so postive and I used to love life, but lately I am depressed, sad and I cry too often. Before this happened, I always thought that my life was perfect and I still cannot believe that this happened to me and that my life has changed so much.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Still Hurting | 2005/12/02

Thank you so much to everyone that replied. At least we have this website, which helps when you are feeling really down. I am feeling much better today. It is so sad that there are so many hurt people our there. Thanks for all the advise. I am going to see a pastor. I think that this will be the only way for me to truly forgive and move on. I want to forgive my husband and the other woman. I have never hated anyone before and I really don't like this side of me. I know I will get there eventually. I sometimes wonder if all woman love their husbands the way I love mine. I sometimes wish that I didn't love him as much. Thanks again for all the advice.

Reply to Still Hurting
Posted by: glitter | 2005/12/01

Hi, Still Hurting,

I know how you feel !!!!

My husband had an affair last year, this time. Now almost a year after we started working on our marriage again. I can almost assure you that I'm 95% through all the hurt and forgiveness.

We know each other for almost 19 years and I was not willing to gave another woman the joy of braking a marriage of almost 6 years.

She kept contact with him (although he assured me that he don't want anything to do with her). I spoke to her about 2 times and very nice requested her not to phone him, Untill 1 day when I totally snapped, phoned her and told her that she pushed my up o the very end, and I'm not going to be nice anymore.

The pshycologist advised me to ask him to take me to her, to see and find out for myself why he did it, but he didn't want to.

But the bad thing about a situation like this, is that you forgive him(or try to) but you cant forget what he did to you, and everytime you fight, you takkle him with this bad stuff that still eating you.

Several times I still wonder why did he did it?

Now almost a year later he still apollogise some days, and constantly remind me that he admit that he made a huge mistake and that he loves me and our kids very, very much. In my behavior everyday, he can see that I'm still working through the unanswered questions and forgiveness.

I went to a marrige counsellor on my ouwn, without him knowing it, and I can also advice you that talk, and talk, and talk is the only way of healing youself.

Remember that the shortest way to prayer is to close your eyes and get on your knees - He'll help you on your feet again !!


Good luck


Reply to glitter
Posted by: Forgive | 2005/12/01

Hi

I wish I could talk to you, but maybe this will help. I scanned through to responses and saw someone replied that you don't have to forgive. Please my dear, if you don't forgive both parties, you will not get healing!
I was in such a relationship for a couple of months, stopped it and never saw the other woman since. My wife, with extreme difficulty, forgave me and eventually the other woman. Sadly my wife died of cancer a couple of years later, but at least in peace.
You owe it to yourself to forgive and forget - and start a new life with your husband. Maybe it's time to stop the counseling and focus on what you have.
I wish for you and your husband all the best for the future!
Regards

Reply to Forgive
Posted by: Deubel | 2005/12/01

You are allowing what happened in the past to control your life. By hating this other woman you are giving her power over you. Let it go, set it behind you and live for the future. You cannot change the past, but you can change the future.

The trick is to set yourself free from this burden that you are carrying. Speak to a pastor, get your OWN life in order, accept yourself and strife to be the best person you can be. Don't dwell on other people's actions in the past and don't let their past actions influence your future life.

Once you are happy with yourself the past won't have a hold over you anymore.

Reply to Deubel
Posted by: Delene | 2005/12/01

I have never cheated, my ex cheated on me....could never forgive him....The images in my mind was too much to bare
But we never went for counceling, I never tried, so I admire you for that.

Good luck

Reply to Delene
Posted by: ... | 2005/11/30

Hello Still Hurting....

I think you need to get back to some counselling... so that you can learn to handle this hatred you feel for the other woman... there is no rule that you have to forgive her at alll.... but you have to learn not to let that hatred get the better of you... and counselling will help that......

Your husband has shown his remorse by the sounds of things... but he also has to understand that the pain he caused you isn't something that leaves easily.... and so, he should be willing to help you through this and go for counselling with you......

Very few women would apologise... it would mean she would have to admit what she did... and I think generally... people who have affairs are living in some kind of delusional state anyhow... so don't expect an apology... and don't let the fact that she didn't have the decency to apologise affect your life and your future happiness....

Rather make a decision not to let this get you down any further and put the energy you expend on your hatred into creating a wonderful loving future with you and your husband....

There might be other reasons why you are feeling depressed at this moment... and then old hurts come to the fore... which makes things worse....you've shown great committement to make your marriage work... so do that extra thing and for more counselling, and work through everything with a professional! Good luck!.......

Reply to ...
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/30

Still Hurting, you are just lucky that your husband still loves you. Think of it like that. I know that tired feeling. Your brain just does not seem to want to cope with anything, never mind your body. If you can try and rid yourself of the hate, I would like to tell you that your tiredness will definately ease. Hate is such a useless all consuming emotion that has no place in your heart. Yes, I do agree that some people do not take into consideration the consequences of their actions and how their actions can literally destroy someone else, but you must know that you are a better person than her and you still have your husbands love. That is the basis on which you need to start rebuilding yourself first and then your marriage.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: Still Hurting | 2005/11/30

Thanks Frusty. I realise that I cannot do this on my own and I probably need more help, but I am just so tired. I really feel drained and exhausted. Hatred is such a horrible thing to live with and I do not want to live with this any longer. I love my husband and he has apologised so many times. I really do believe that he regrets deeply what he has done. I just cannot stop hating her. Two people are responsible for my pain and I cannot seem to get over the fact that she hasn't even had the decency to apologise. Maybe some people are just evil by nature and they do not care what they do to other people. If only everyone in the world would live by the simple rule "Treat other people in the same way you want to be treated".

Reply to Still Hurting
Posted by: Cheater | 2005/11/30

I would strongly advise you to return to councilling with your hubby. The more you can speak about what you are going through, the more he will understand and this will assist your healing. Dont keep this to yourself, it will eat you up like a cancer. Allowing things to brew away under the surface and coming out when you are on the verge of exploding is not constructive.

I know exactly how you feel because I have been on both sides of the fence..every now and then something triggers my memory and I feel exactly the same as I did at the time. Its just AS painful and AS real as it was then. The only thing that helped me was talking and talking about it, he validated my feelings and it helped immensely..and thats just the thing.. they ARE valid.

I ended up mailing back and forth with the other woman. (I dont think I could ever stand seeing her face to face) Once I saw the humility and realised she was nothing like the picture I built up in my mind it helped my recovery.

Way back when I was much younger I had an affair with a married man. (payback? :) ) Anyway, I knew his wife knew, but never apologised to her because in my mind this would make the affair "real". I would rather pretend the whole mistake never happened and not acknowledge it.

In the end you have to do whats right for you, if you need that to facilitate healing and get closure then you should talk to hubby about it.

Best wishes.

Reply to Cheater
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/30

Hi, Still Hurting. Oh Dear, where do I start. First of all, you must know that she is never going to apologise to you. So you have to get rid of that thought. Even if she did, it is not going to stop how you are feeling right now. I assume your husband has apologised? My one suggestion, if you want to continue with the marriage is to see a counsellor together and separately. This can only help you.

I was in the position in that my husband fell in love with another woman, but as far as I know, nothing happened. He was not willing to go to counselling and our marriage is dead in all respects. Actually, it started dying before that, but that is not the point I am trying to make. You need to seek outside help. You cannot do this on your own.

I wish you good luck.

Reply to Frusty

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