Posted by: Step Mom of 3 | 2012/12/13


Let me get this off my chest today.

We do our best.
We try our hardest.
We do not get BORN with a Stepmom gene and you just know what to do and how to do it perfectly.

We also wanted to marry one man and have our own children and die never getting divorced.

We did not ASK to be a stepmom, its a package deal.

Its not our fault that their mother left her children
Its not our fault that their mother left you
Its not our fault the family is broken
its not our fault that your mother and father does not like us because you and the kids talk shit about us
its not our fault that your sisters (who have their 1st husbands - still young - and own kids) think we are bad mothers, bad people, bad bad bad - but wait the wheel will turn and they will see what we have to put up with and how they hurt us

I wish upon no person to be a step anything - its the hardest most thankless job in the world.

Its not our fault that we love our children more - after all they are OUR CHILDREN = we wanted them, we gave birth to them, we kept them.

If you do not stand by your new wife and you do not support your new wife then you will have problems.
If you talk behind her back to the children you will have problems.
If you give them their cell phone back when she turns her back and has punished them you will have problems.
If you never make time for her and its always just your kids you will have problems. Like date night - its so important.

Why don''t you try giving the new wife exactly the same powers, respect, love, understanding, patience as you would the mother of your children.

You want us to love your children " like they are your own"  yet where other things are concerned we have no say.

If the stepmother must feed, look after, taxi, clean, bath, clean up blood and tears and you NEVER make time for just her - you will have a problem.

and let me just state one thing clearly


We will come close, we will do our best, we will try, we will be fair we will we will we will...but without your support we will not.

Stop thinking all stepmoms are these evil people. No we are not. But you expect us to do everything a mother would, yet we don''t have the powers a mother would have - we have no say, we have no support.

You stay late because you yourself dont want to be with these kids, and when you do come home then you cant stand when everyone of them attacks you because they want your attention.

YOU wanted these kids - so make damn sure YOU are part of their lives - it is YOUR responsibility NOT OURS.

I met a girl at the hair salon who told me she was involved with a man for 3 months he has custody of them...over the weekend she complained about the one being disrespectful and he said " oh so sorry MY BRATS are a problem to you"  in front of them...I told her to run - as fast as she can.

We are in this relationship for love just like any other woman, yes we knew there where kids BUT we thought you would support us, punish with us, do everything with us - not run away - leave it up to us and then complain as to how we do it.

Ok ive said my peace - attack me as much as you want to. Go for it.

(ps. go see a specialist - been there done that, his little angels are just that angels and " ag shame their mommy left when they were babies"  so lets just give them everything they want )

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I dont think you're actually talking about step-parenting, but about how some men are, for whatever reason, rather lousy dads ( just as some women are awful mothers ).
As you say, if you marry someone with existing children, it's a package deal, and you'd expect the same from them if you already had children.
Above all, none of the problems are the children's fault, and they should not be made to suffer for them.
Maybe you're describing an uncaring or less caring, unskilled father and husband.
Yes, a step-parent must be given the same respect, care, and rights as a biological parent.
When considering a relationship with someone with existing children, one useful guide is that if they don't obviously treat their children with love, time and respect, they'll not for long treat you much better

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: mildred | 2016/08/13

Why if you are a stepmom you husband do even apreciate the good things you do to his kids.when he is around he ask the kids that did you eat bath and did your mom beat you

Reply to mildred
Posted by: Ariete | 2015/12/07

I read this article with interest because I'm a failing step mom ... And yes I know its also an old conversation but I am posting my bit just the same.No matter what I do or for that matter don't do, I'm ultimately the person who is blamed. My step children treat me like something the dag dragged in and my husband will in every case find some redeeming factor and turn the entire conflict on me and "how I handled it, regardless of whether I protested or just ignored it". A case of damned if I do and damned if I don't. I find this so painful but also so very unfair. I'm the only person in this blended family who has made any attempt to adjust, self-reflect and change for the benefit of the family. I have read 101 articles on what to do or not do. The rest of the family continue as before and the only thing that I apparently do right is to clean and pick up after them. Not that I am thanked or anything, but that is the only thing that I do that no one complains about or criticizes...Everything else from my role as step mom, wife right up to my character is fair game to my husband and his children at any point in time; but particularly when conflict arises. I'm just plain weary of the grief of it all now that I want out...far far away from all of these ungrateful people...Yet something within me is reluctant to throw away a marriage I waited for eight years for...

Reply to Ariete
Posted by: Mina | 2013/02/06

While I hear your points Step Mom - and think you did a pretty brave job taking immediate owbership of a huge family - I take a different view when it comes to loving your step children less than your own.

Firstly, I differ because I can''t imagine how I wouldn''t love a child that I have raised from 2 years old like my own. Whether that child is my husband''s or an adopted child. I have two sets of parents - both my mother and father married other people when I was very small. Both of them (the steps) having been nothing but loving parents to me.

Secondly, it is the comparison of the love you feel that bothers me. In the same way that as a parent you can''t have a favourite (openly) amongst your biological children, or declare that you love one biological over another - I think you shouldn''t even be going down the path of comparing your feelings for these children.

I am now a step mom to two children, and my son has two sets of parents. I have grown to love my step children, because I am araising them - spending time with them - including when their father is away on business for extended periods. I do not expect anyone to thank. I am doing this because I chose a husband who happened to be a father. And when I married him, I took the entire package with me. It hasn''t always beeen easy - mainly because of the grown up though (the father) and not the children. He had trust issues. So building a rhythm took time. In this household, all children are treated the same. It doesn''t matter whose offspring they are.

Reply to Mina
Posted by: LIZELL | 2013/01/09

you cant choose whether you love someone or not especially when it comes to children. But resenting them because they arent yours is really harsh. Its understandable that you love your own children its natural but the way you phrased your statement is almost as if you are the evil step mom. and you need to communicate this to your husband because there will be problems if you hate his kids thats the way it sounds to me

Reply to LIZELL
Posted by: XXX | 2012/12/14

Some of the comments above rather disturb me as a father but I won''t bother about discussing them.
What I will say though,whether you are a step Mom OR Step Dad,all that is expected of you is to respect &  treat the children with dignity.Behave like an adult,as that is what you are,have patience as they are children after all and were not asked to be put in this position.
Talk to the children in normal conversation,that is,do not avoid them.
I have a step daughter who I was " Father"  to since the age of 2.I love her to bits and certainly treat her as my other children.She is now married with 3 maginifient children of her own.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: 40''ish | 2012/12/13

Liza you are truely unique.....gosh I wish everyone could understand like you do, how we feel.

Yes why are we blamed for loving our own kids we carried and gave birth to and nurtured from birth more than someone else''s? And as you say we do not not love them its just not the same. But yet we are expected to.

Reply to 40''ish
Posted by: Liza | 2012/12/13

Why is everyone so up in arms about a stepmom loving her biological child more than her step-children? Since when has it been a requirement that a stepmom MUST love her stepchildren like her own? I''m 100% sure that my kids'' stepmom loves her own daughter more than my boys, but it doesn''t matter to me at all. Why should it? She might not love my boys as much as she loves her daughter BUT that doesn''t mean she doesn''t care. She does everything for them - helps with homework, takes them to the doctor/dentist when needed etc. In truth - my boys complain about their dad favoring and spoiling their stepsister, but they never have the same complaint about stepmom!

Evil stepmom?!? Not on your nelly!

Reply to Liza
Posted by: R | 2012/12/13

Maybe you should consider leaving to save yourself all this trouble.
As some indicate, some of these problems are experienced by us who are still married and have the kids together.
In your case, your saving grace would be that you don''t have any kids together.
Its tough, I think any mum in a similar situation, whether with own kids or step kids, will fully understand your frustration.
Is it a life really worth living?
Situations like this can make people so bitter as time goes, and they don''t realise how its impacting on every aspect of their lives.
Your daughter needs you, not to share you in this manner.

In my situation, I also have a grown stepson, and he''s no trouble himself, but the father has continually gone against everything I''ve said. Finally the sons girlfriend was due to give birth around the same time as me, and geuss where the father wnated to be, at his grandchilds birth! but obviously, with me heavily pregnant and emotional, at such an important time in my life, let him know what I think, and he stayed. I had a c''sec. I needed him there. But care very little for him now. So ja, its tougher when you have kids togther and these things happen. You still have a shot at a good quality life

Reply to R
Posted by: Step Mom of 3 | 2012/12/13


You are the exception to the rule I think. I also know woman who have done what you have done.

This woman only once I moved in suddenly (after 2 years) wanted to see her children and it was just to bombard them with questions about me.

We eventually went to see a family advocate and with legal action got what the children wanted - which was to never see their mother again unless they each individually want to again one day. She didnt even go to court - she just said they have been brainwashed by us. After 1 year she eventually stopped sending nasty sms''s and swearing at them on the phone. There has been no contact for years.

I have done my utmost being alone in this. He works very long hours 7 days a week, i have basically single handed raised these kids. Working and being a " mom"  .

And even after all these years i will say again you can never love them as your own. My daughter is my life. She is my love. I will kill for her.

Sorry, its a fact.

Reply to Step Mom of 3
Posted by: also a step | 2012/12/13


do you have your own children?

HOW CAN YOU EVER love anyone as much as your own biological child?

Only people who do not have kids think like this. I know a man who also said this and then the day he had his own daughter he said he was sorry, he never realized.

YOU CANT - end of story. People like you make me sick. You have no idea what you are saying. All you are good at is being mean.

Nothing in your posting adds any value to a discussion or anyone''s life. If you can''t add something helpful or positive then get lost.

Reply to also a step
Posted by: Kelly | 2012/12/13

One thing I do not understand - ''WE WILL NEVER LOVE THEM LIKE OUR OWN - never''
Sounds like an evil strp-mom to me...

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Liza | 2012/12/13

''If their mother was so loving ,why did she leave them behind?''
''as the mother is still alive she must raise her own children.''

@Married Women - many situations aren''t so cut and dried. My boys live with their dad and stepmom and it''s definitely NOT because I decided that I didn''t want the responsibility. My ex sued for custody at a time when I lost my job due to chronic illness and simply couldn''t look after them due to being sick AND unemployed.

People should stop being so judgmental about the mother when the father has custody. Sometimes the father can sue for custody - while the mother can''t afford a protracted legal battle. Sometimes the mother decides that due to circumstances it would be in the CHILDRENS'' best interest for them to stay with the father. This IS the hardest decision a mother EVER has to make. And then other people continually look down their noses at me and call me a bad mother - How can I be a bad mother when I do what''s in the best interests of my children?


Reply to Liza
Posted by: Step Mom of 3 | 2012/12/13

The mother left when caught at their home with another man. Youngest child 13 months old. I came 2 years later. The gran mother stood in for those 2 years.

Its not just my relationship thing - most step parents have the " support"  problem.

Also - dear stepchild as you say yourself you only appreciate her NOW - not then. I hope she knows this today.

You see when you have your OWN kids you can made decisions but when they are step you have to always have his permission if you can understand that.

Yes alot lies with him. BUT everyone thinks Im the baddie.

He say''s his 16 year old son can go to another church when he asks and then when the gran finds out its my influence that the kid is going to a " church that worships snakes"  - Maranatha - seriously? They are catholic. Everything is MY fault and he will not say anything to the contrary.

Reply to Step Mom of 3
Posted by: married women | 2012/12/13

@ Step Mom of 3 i feel ur pain as a women ,but if ur husband thinks that u r not a better mother to his childern why not take them to their mother and pay will make life easier for every one else.If their mother was so loving ,why did she leave them behind?.U r husband must just be greatfull that he found someone who is willing to raise another women''s children.I dont think i can be able to do that as long as the mother is still alive she must raise her own children.

Reply to married women
Posted by: Milla | 2012/12/13

I can''t help but think that a lot of what you are saying isn''t exclusive to just step parents but to people who have unsupportive spouses. I have seen step parents enter into a family and do just fine and I have seen couples in their first marriage with just their own kids who could not stand together when it came to discipline or extended family issues.

I''m sorry things aren''t going well for you. Never understand why people get married if they can''t support their spouse. Sad thing is that kids are really resilient, there is no need to baby them over a parent who has stepped out on them, especially not if they have someone who is willing to help fill in the blank. It''s actually to their detriment to treat them differently, they will likely suffer for it when they are grown up.

Reply to Milla
Posted by: Jenna | 2012/12/13

I feel the problem with your relationship lies more with the father than with your being the step mother.

The same could happen with first marriages- fathers don''t want to spend time with the kids, fathers don''t have a united front with the mother, etc. It is not a " step mother problem" .

Yes you do make valid points, but I have a feeling you are talking about your own relationship with the father and his lack of parenting skills- would it be any different if they WERE your kids? Some fathers are just not meant to be fathers.

My step mom is awesome, maybe I didn''t understand when I was younger, because my family has just fallen apart, but now that I am older and wiser, I realise how great she is. She cashed in on her pension so my father could pay my mother manintenance for us kids (he was unemployed, my mother had to go back to work after years of being a stay at home mom, needless to say couldn''t find a great job).

Being a step mother isn''t a thankless job, it''s hard work but after everything is said and done youcan take a step back and appreciate what you have accomplished.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Ricky | 2012/12/13

Welll said, If he doesn''t care, why should you, you marry him not his kids

Reply to Ricky
Posted by: One too | 2012/12/13

Brilliant, you''ve hit the nail on the head, spot on.

Reply to One too

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