Posted by: VeryTired | 2004/10/25

Tired of incompatibility, tired of kids suffering


My story is a simple one. I am a 28 year old male, married for 6 years, with a kid of 5 years and 2 years. I love them both dearly.

My wife and I have separated before. We have not been compatible for many years. We got married too young (she was 19) and there is very little in common with each other.

The conflict is continuous, but has got to a point that she cant control her behaviour in front of the kids. Sure, I get angry too and sometimes say things in front of the kids that i shouldnt, but she goes too far and says things like "Shut the f.. up you f.... little brat" -- my son is 5... i cant imagine what he must think when his mother says things like that. She is out of control. She shouts from the morning to the evening, without giving me or the family a break.

She leaves dog poo lying around the house, she leaves dirty nappies, mouldy dishes etc. When I get home I normally have to clean up this stuff. Its unhygenic. I get told that I must do it because I do nothing around the house.

This is a constant thing now. I am depressed, feel alone, abused, used and know that a divorce normally results in the woman receiving custody. Would there be anychance of me obtaining custody in a case like this?

We have separated before and she moved back to CT. This becomes a problem with vists with the kids. What do you suggest I do? I dont believe in marriage counselling anymore. I have 3 close friends, all went to marriage counselling, all got divorced!!

Please help.

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Our expert says:
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Divorce following marriage counselling doesn't necessarily mean a failure of counselling --- some people really ought to get divorced, but counselling can help both the make sure of that, and to help them recognize how things went wrong so as to be better able to avoid repeating those problems again.

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Posted by: VeryTired | 2004/10/25

Thanks all for your response.

JB: Baie Dankie. Ek is 'n pakkie Engelsman maar ek verstaan...:-)

Me too: In anything in life there are 2 sides to everystory. Sure I have had my part to play but to use the kids against a parent (as she also does) and swearing etc at them, no matter how provoced, cannot be acceptable.

KNOW: I am going to hire a good attorney to see if there is something I can do. I cannot believe that they will allow a mother treating her children like that, to remain with them permenantly.

Pippa/Twin... Thanks for the input. Various solutions offered here.

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Posted by: Me too | 2004/10/25

Twin brings up a very valid point about the modern sexy, "untainted" woman. I am also divorced today, but got married young (19) and after a while I started acting very much like the way you describe your wife's actions. I realise today that it was probably because I started feeling inadequate and unsexy, confronted with all the bright young things my ex was ogling while I simply became the overfamiliar "wife". My ex was also emotionally absent and neglectful. Since my divorce a couple of years ago my behaviour has changed completely. With him gone, I no longer seemed to have a need for tantrums or aggressive scenes or deliberate spiteful behaviour. My relationship with my kids have also never been better. I was just wondering about your own attitude and behaviour towards your wife?

Reply to Me too
Posted by: JB | 2004/10/25

Ek hoop jy sal afrikaans kan verstaan. Jammer om van jou probleem te hoor,my vrou was ook so gewees. Ek het die welsyn uitgekry om na die omstandighede te kyk,het getuienis van wat en hoe sy met die kinders was. Ek het toesig oor die kind gekry. Sy is besig om die kinders te abuse nie fissies nie maar wel verbal en daar is n wet teen dit,om die kinders te beskerm en te kyk na die beste belange van hulle omstandighede.

Kry n maatskaplike werk uit om te gaan kyk hoe die huis lyk en hoe sy met die kinders is. Daar is n wet wat na die pa se belange ook om sien. Tye het verander,dit is nie nodwendig dat die vrou toesig sal kry nie. Kry n goeie prokereur ek het n vroue prokereur gekry en sy het my gehelp.

sterkte en laat weet wat aan gaan.

Reply to JB
Posted by: KNOW | 2004/10/25

I have and still am going through the same setup as you. Forget about you getting sole custody, your wife will bassically have to be a person usinf drugs and unable to work to get that right. I have had the best Attorneys, I got joint custody and shared living arrnagements ( ages 5 and 4)
But be carefull, we broke up and found out that life isn't so nice seperated. We are back togthere, and still the same sh ..t as before but a little less. I guess I'm telling you to rather work at it and hope for a miracle. Seperate and not seeing your kids might be worse.

Reply to KNOW
Posted by: Pippa | 2004/10/25

Your wife sounds like my ex-husband. He wants to do absolutely nothing positive in our lives but make trouble. I can honestly tell you from experience that you cannot piece together shattered glass. Don't kid yourself into thinking it will get better because it won't. I have just received advice from Cybershrink and a few others. My life has been wasted being totally miserable for years. Alot of things are easier said than done but if this is how your wife is, I doubt she will change. You probably could win custody of the kids but it is going to be one big battle and quite a bit of money. It may be all worth it in the end because you are depressed now and believe me, the depression will only get worse because of people like her who have a total disregard for anybody else but themselves. She is selfish and self-centred and people like that very rarely change. I wish you all the best and hang in there.

Reply to Pippa
Posted by: Twin | 2004/10/25

I may as well be your wife's twin - in some respects.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I was like this (except for the yelling at my 5-year-old, I love children so much I could never be able to speak to them like this), HOWEVER, I used to speak to my husband like this. We used to fight like cat and dog and - consistently. Also married young, also have a 5 year old (only one child though).
If we ever split up I would go to Jhb (we live in Cpt at the moment). So yes, this is a very big problem on your side as well.
My main problem was frustration! Look around you, the modern sexy woman nowadays is generally single, career girl, with her body that has not been 'tainted' by pregnancy. That's the generalisation of our society, and we got married young, had kids young and now we want to tear out hair out. Although I love my child to bits, but the women he ogles are the very ones mentioned above - which I could;ve been too.
It really sounds like frustration of some kind for whatever reason - and she must sort it out. We went marriage counselling as well, and this didn't work. So I took responsibility for how I was feeling and went to counselling myself, because I realised that I had frustartions that I could not control. He was probbaly frustrated too at times, but he didn't go berserk and be hurtful and loud at it. I did. I got counselling (I am still at it, actually), And if you really want to, you can sort ANYTHING out! I am trying to get my marraige back on track, my husbadn said to me one day : decide what you actually wnat and go for it! I decided I did want my precious husband and child, I really hope your wife will choose the same. Nonetheless, she is missing something in her life - the decision of what she wants.
Good luck and hang in there. It woun't be easy, but even if she leaves, at least the fighting will be over!

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