Posted by: ~Wings~ | 2003/12/02

Time to seek help

Dear Cybershrink

Its been about 3 weeks since I've been here at this site. It's time we had a chat.
While most of my friends,family and acquaintances know me as a "Bubbly,outgoing and friendly" person I am honestly afraid that I'm not living up to those much appreciated observations right now.

I've just moved again to a flat that I'm sharing with my boyfriend of 4 months. He's a great guy as I've mentioned over and over again. This is the 9th move I've made in almost 3 years. I have a great job which has it's good and not so great moments (don't we all), I'm with someone who loves me for me, I'm finally in a flat where I can sit down and say that I can do what I want when I want to, I go to a church and constantly try to take what positive messages I can and grow as a person each week, I'm grateful for everyone who loves me doc, but yet I feel that i'm going to explode if I don't sit with a professional and discuss my issues.

This move has revealed to me much fear that has been pent up inside for a long time. I was unpacking some of my things lastnight and just burst out crying. My poor boyfriend who is always a support and tries to comfort me, kept asking what was wrong, but doc I don't know myself. I sat in a depressive heap crying and crying as I went through the frames filled with photos of my past life with my ex. I don't miss him Doc, it's just that when I see all those pics I can't help but feel a well of fear come up inside me ready to burst at the fear that I might be hurt again. A whole lot of dissappointment in someone I once trusted.

I don't like who I am now, I'm not the old person I used to be. Since my best friend died and I went through that week of hell I've changed almost immediately, I have noticed that I bully my boyfriend, I am nasty to him, I keep hearing a voice inside me saying "you don't love him", I keep looking at him and criticizing his appearance in my mind, "he's not good looking enough, he's so clumsy, can you believe he actually prefers the colour orange to black" stupid little things that I have always overlooked in others my whole life. While I have always accepted others for their opinions and uniqueness here I am acting contrary to the old person I used to be.

I sat in the bath lastnight and told my boyfriend how ugly I feel, how fat I've gotten, how much I just want to sleep my life away. Doc, this is NOT how I've always been. I keep telling myself that maybe because i'm in a relationship where there are NO major drug/alcohol/emotional abusive issues that all this past stuff that I've suppressed is coming out. I know I don't have to commit my life to my boyfriend but yet I still feel that I'm being a horrible bitch so to speak towards him and he doesn't deserve it. I would love to go to a psychologist but cannot afford the R220 - R250 per hour. I don't have that right now.

While these are the days I should be enjoying the most I find myself without a lust for life. 2 GP's have diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder which leaves me with panic attacks (something I've developed over the last few years) nausious, hyperventalating and depressed. Last night I experienced one of those again.
Sometimes I feel like I have this Bi Polar disorder I keep hearing about, when I'm happy I'm great when I'm depressed I'm a bitch. Please help Doc I'm afraid and I don't know what is wrong with me. I have lost my spark, should I get a vitamin suppliment, should I just wait till next year March to see a shrink? I just feel like crawling under a blanket and never coming out. My poor boyfriend who is so wonderful just keeps getting the cold shoulder from me. He kisses me and I stiffen up, he holds my hand and I pull away.
How can someone go from being So in love and so happy to just plain steel cold?
Thanks for listening
Much love

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Wings,
Great to hear from you again, though I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough patch at present. You're probably right that in an odd way, being now in a safe and comforting relationship and free from the abuse you were used to, may be enabling you to let some of the hurt from the past well up and at times, feel like it's overwhelming you.
For those of us who know you here, we know also your impressive strengths and kindness, which you are perhaps more able to show towards others than to yourself.
Yes, therapy would be a great idea. As I always say it needs to be based on a proper assessment ( you can't choose the best recipe until you've decided what needs to be cooked ). I gather there might be some Medical Aid funding available but not till next year ? Let's think creatively of other alternatives. Check out what ought to be available, at your local Big State Hospital, and especially at the Dept of Psychiatry at your nearest Medical School.
As part of the problem arises from prior abuse, I wonder whether POWA or some similar group has some suggestions for affordable counselling, maybe even joining some groups of the formerly abused. Some such setting in which you can give as well as get, might suit you well.

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Our users say:
Posted by: d | 2003/12/03

this forum is very supportive like you said paul! thanks for everyone's advice every day,its nice to have a place to come to for advice, where no one judges you.

Reply to d
Posted by: Paul | 2003/12/02

Cant help you much but can say that your friends on this forum have no expectations from you and support you in whatever you need to do to fix this.


Reply to Paul
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2003/12/02

I am so sorry for your grief at the moment - I know what your are going through - been there, it is torture, it is hell, it hurts, it makes you angry and you feel utterly helpless, you're constantly at the mercy of your emotions ( that you dont have much control over anyways) it is like you have lost all sense of self. Sweetie this is a difficult time for you. The doc will probably recommend that you see a therapist or counciller, belive me that will help - what you are feeling is not just all of a sudden this has been building up inside you for a very long time, subconciously you do not realise that this is happening to you, yes it starts out with the panick and anxiety attacks. Depression is a sad and unfortunate condition, but belive me it can and will be cured. I know that right now emotionally, you feel totally out of control, with time, cognitive therapy and maybe AD's if needed you will get over this. You are a strong and wonderful individual. I will pray that you will see that there is that light at the end of this tunnel, I saw my depression as a learning experience also the therapy helped me understand who I am and what I am about - I got to learn about myself and rediscover me, it helped me to relaise that I am not super woman nor was I obligated to save the world or it's people with their problems, I am first and foremost obligated to me. Be strong. My words are just what my experience was - I hope this helps. Good Luck and Keep Strong. Things will work out.

Reply to Juzlisen

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