Posted by: confused wife | 2008/10/24

Threats of divorce,signs of infidelity

My husband and I are married for 3 years, its been rocky throughout the marriage, I think because we knew each other only 4 months when he proposed. A month after we got married. I got wind of allegations of him having an affair with a staff member at work, 3 months after he started his new job, I saw suspicious signs, stopped wearing his ring, working late,told me to stop phoning him at work, she incidentally used to anwer on that number, and I even found condoms in his bag once. We had a lot of arguments about her and he told me more than once he wants a divorce, I was devastated but being newly married I was naive and blamed myself for accusing him, maybe falsely because I had no concrete proof, and thought I was causing the fights, so because I didnt have concrete proof I didnt leave him, tried to get over it.

He has a roving eye and he loves attention, which if I knew him longer would have made me run the other way, he gets lots of sms all the time and is very secretive with his cell, its off most of the time. Other problems are that theres major differnces in our opinions and how we approach and deal with issues, we cant seem to overcome this. this causes arguments and he has told me more than twice he wants adivorce but never goes further than that

He used to be very close friends with my sister who introduced us, and I didnt approve of the closeness relationship after our marriage cause it made me feel uneasy, and then last year she accused him of wanting to have an affair with her, she' s also married, but I wasin so much doubt as to whether to believ her because my sister has always been very competitive and never wanted me to be happy so I couldnt believe whether she was telling the truth or making it up, again I had no concrete proof so I didnt leave.

Last Sunday I found a message on his phone from a woman I dont know, telling him in a very demanding tone of voice that he knows when she takes lunch and when she gets off work, so why doesnt he phone her or answer her damn phone calls. I confronted him and he said it was a friend at a recruitment agency that he uses to get staff for him for his business. We had a huge argument because I just didnt buy his explanation, Our Priest came to the house after I asked him over because I was just devastated, felt like I was losing my mind, he told us to work things out and that we need to try and understand each other, and he said that men has female friends and that its totally innocent most of the time, I didnt agree, but here I am, still married and seriously considering giving mthis marriage another try after everything that happend, I didnt even mention everything, cause he hit me twice during this time as well, something that he refuses to apologise for. Am I crazy, should I walk away before I catch him in the act or before he hits me again, or what if hedivirces me after I decide to give us another chance

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I don't think much of your priest's intervention, which sounds biased and ignorant, frankly. Rather try to p[ersuade your man to see a marriage counsellor with you, someone with actual knowledge and skill, unlike this priest.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Disappointed | 2008/10/26

Dear confused wife,

I could' ve write your letter myself. I new my husband for 6 months before we got married (also 3 years).I feel excatly like you. I' m also waiting for evidence... are we evern going to find it? They just get smarter the more they realize that you suspect something. I found out in June he' s cheating on me... it' s been going on since Jan. I' ve reached the point where I don' t bother asking him where he' s been or whatever. It' s like i' m just silently waiting for evidence to come my way. I' m just hurting myself in the process. I dont'  know whatelse to do. He' s nice to me, and goes on with life as if nothing' s happended, but I know he' s just a great pretender. Please read my letter to the CD - 1935 (in sickness and in health?) I' m going to see my lawyer and will let you know what happened. In the meantime, I suggest you do the same... You have to get out of that poisoneous marraige. I' m about to...

Reply to Disappointed
Posted by: Kayla | 2008/10/26

P.S. counseling won' t help I guarentee it theres something in his past that makes him act these ways.

Reply to Kayla
Posted by: Kayla | 2008/10/26

Don' t marry early! Don' t go off of what society says, and once a cheater always a cheater, Just get out of there, you can' t predict the future, do you want your child abused?

Reply to Kayla
Posted by: lovy | 2008/10/25

sisi pray for your marriage, get him to church more often for inspiration and please give him hard time dont use his phone again if he comes home late say nothing i know its hard but try. u know men they dont like woman who always swear at them. actually play dont care you' ll see he' ll cum running to you. if is not working then you can decide to move on, believe me am talking from experience. my husband was just like yours and now is like we never fought instead he is the one who is frustrated cause he thinks that am having affair of which am not.
allow him to go out with friends dont even think bout girls but CONDOMISE!!! and check your status. good luck sisi hope it' ll work and please pray hard at times like this, God is the only 1 who can help you. i' ll also keep you in my prayers.

Reply to lovy
Posted by: Bella | 2008/10/25

I' m not going to tell you to get out, cause I am in the same situation, you can' t seem to seperate the reality from fact, and the hurt hangs over you and nothing you do makes it go away. I have the same question, and hense I am not going to ask, I can see peoples advice is to get out. I pray for your strength during this difficult time and know that you are not the only one going through this.

Reply to Bella
Posted by: Gracie | 2008/10/24

Get the heck of there - this man is messing around and he is going to hurt you so badly! You don' t need this nonsense in your life and you can do much better! High tail it out of there girl

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Concerned wife | 2008/10/24

Gimme....I take it you are joking...cause there was no muthi involved, I was just at a place in my life where I was enjoying being single, loving my job and spending lots of time with friends, I was totally not looking for any kind of commitment when he came into my life, so I was also kind of caught off guard with his proposal and kinda scared to turn it down depsite there being some warning signs that we wouldnt really be compatible

Reply to Concerned wife
Posted by: gimme | 2008/10/24

please don' t forget to gimme the muthi that you used to get him to marry you that quick...

Reply to gimme
Posted by: Me | 2008/10/24

Well done you answered your own question.
I applaud you for coming to your senses and realising that you still have your life ahead.


Reply to Me
Posted by: Confused wife | 2008/10/24

To Haibo....weve got a child already, because its what we both wanted, he is turning 2 in December and I dont have any regrets about having him. But like someone said, I am basically married to a stranger, and that scares the hell out of me when I think what might still happen years down the line, when Im older and more vulnerable. So Im thinking get out while I can, while Im stil relatively young, Im 32, and can rebuild my life and get over the last three years, before it goes to 5,15,20 wasted years.

Reply to Confused wife
Posted by: gimme | 2008/10/24

please gimme the muthi that you used to get him to marry you that quick...

Reply to gimme
Posted by: Haibo | 2008/10/24

U knew each other less than a year and got married?U are married to a stranger my sister,and by the way u say it,he is bad news.I would suggest u get out before there are kids involved.He hits u,pls leave him as soon as possible.If u stay one more month,u might be HIV Positive....think abt that.

Reply to Haibo
Posted by: mandy | 2008/10/24

pack your stuff and get on with your life! People treat you the way they do cos you allow it!!
find a man that will love and adore you, cos this one definately doesnt!

Reply to mandy
Posted by: beenthere | 2008/10/24

it' s amazing how we as women refuse to see the obvious signs - he is ill treating you girl. I think you both need counselling and he can also say what his problem is. If it' s not working out, then it' s not! Don' t wait until you contract something! Be thankful of your health and just move on with your life - there is life after separation, divorce and death.

Good luck

Reply to beenthere
Posted by: southernwrite | 2008/10/24

Start packing and get out - if it has deteriorated to this after a few months of marriage than its not going to get better - Just dont fall pregnant now -

Reply to southernwrite
Posted by: Sg | 2008/10/24

This guy seems to be bad news,there are just too many if and buts not to be concerned.
You need to have a very serious chat to him and if things don' t improve you should consider your options.
As to hitting you,that is simply totally unacceptable.You are also putting your health at risk with this man.

Reply to Sg

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