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Posted by: Inc | 2004/10/13

This is my story

A couple of months ago, I got involved with someone... after the ordeal with my ex, I stayed home with my kids and tried to fix my life. Two years down the line... I decided that it was time to start the social scene and meet people... and after a few months, I started seeing this new person.
However, I am HIV+ and was so diagnosed after my divorce in 1999.... so I was faced with a decision to tell this new person.
At first I thought that I would insist that he use protection as I don't want anymore babies (I am already sterilized)... that didn't work, so I told him that I wasn't prepared to have sex with him because I was afraid of getting hurt... as time went on, I fell in love... but this issue was still playing at the back of my mind... so when the time came to do the deed, I produced a condom and he assumed that I carry condoms because I sleep around... then I had to tell him the truth. He was shocked and distraught and I knew that there was a risk of losing him, and I felt quite distraught myself. At the time, he told me that this does not affect our relationship and that he just wants to forget about it. He called me after that to tell me that he loves me... something that he had never said previously... so this gave me hope and I clung to that with all that I had. I knew that he was going through a terrible time in his mind, but because he told me that he loved me, I remained hopeful... I decided to give him some space for him to deal with it. I spoke to him 3 days later and he still maintained that nothing has changed... told me to call him the next day... which I did, but I got his voicemail and left a message for him to call me back... he never did. I went to our usual meeting place on Saturday night and he wasn't there. I thought I could handle it, but it was too overwhelming for me.
There are a lot of things related to this that I have shoved at the back of my mind... things relating to my family and the friends that I have lost... to my husband who had infected me and to all the people that have rejected me... it felt like the Kimberley hole had been re-opened ... I just couldn't handle it... It felt like I was just diagnosed this weekend... I have worked so hard to overcome the obstacles and to cross the barriers and this weekend felt like it all hit me in the face for the first time!
I had a pain on my heart... tightness and I was struggling to breathe. I went for an ECG yesterday and x-rays. There is nothing physically wrong with me... so now I have to see a psychiatrist.
I'm tired of always being strong.. people expect me to be strong because that is the way that they see me. People brush me aside because they assume that I will sort something out... Inc knows everything... Inc is strong... but there's a little Inc inside that is crying out ... who is fearful and rejected... who wants to be helped and loved and made to feel like a real person.
I know what they are going to tell me... but it doesn't make my pain any better... I'm fed-up of living... like I'm forever paying for the sins of someone else... all the time!
I know who I am and I am equipped with everything that I need to share my life with someone.. but this wall stands in the way. Robbing me of my life... I am a prisoner in my own body... I am physically fit... I have never been ill... I have the blood count of someone who is HIV-... I take care of myself... I am not on any meds.... but my soul is dying... because I love and then I am rejected!
I tried to speak to my mother about this and she changed the subject, like she usually does... then she called me today to ask me why I need to see a psycologist... I didn't have the energy to answer her...
Is this the way I am going to feel when I take a chance on someone again? Life is not worth this pain...
If the brain is the master of the body and controls every bodily function... then why does the heart hurt?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Inc.,
HIV can complicate things, certainly, but anyone who loves can be disappointed. And after any rejection, we fel scared to try again, but we need to be sure that protecting ourselves against hurt doesnt also protect us from the love we seek. Its sad that other people aren't strong enough to give us the support we want when we really want it, but we're not all superhuman, and many of us just don't understand these situations, and don't know what to say in order to be helpful --- so we try to pretend that the situation isn't there at all.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/10/13

Inc, I missed you this week. I checked the HIV forum to see if you had posted, but because you do always portray such a strong outer, I thought you'd taken some time off, or were very busy at work.
I am so sorry you have to deal with a situation like this. Life isn't fair sometimes, and no one can have all the answers. Possibly this guy is running scared. It's the ignorance and fear of HIV that has caused this. I am so pained at the thought of you losing someone you love because you have a virus.
You're entitled to feel the pain and feel hurt, but life is still worth living. You're still healthy, and have a wonderful spirit and mind.
I think the world of you, and appreciate your posts on here very much.
I am praying that your visit to the doctor went well, and that you can get the help you deserve to have.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: The Moral Fibre | 2004/10/13

Inc,
This is you speaking : "as time went on, I fell in love"
This is also you : "Is this the way I am going to feel when I take a chance on someone again? Life is not worth this pain... "

Yes, life is pain and suffering and misery and love and joy and happiness and passion and those cool green fizz pop suckers and enjoying re-runs of the A-Team and the wind and rainy Sunday mornings and so on... and maple syrup flapjacks too.
I don't know anything about HIV but I know about how you feel about this lost love. It's never a waste to love, it's a learning experience. And it's fantastic while it's happening and there is a chance that it'll all end in tears. But .. what if it doesn't end in tears? Love is a horse with a jockey with a red bib and a green cap - take a bet, sooner or later, you'll win.



Reply to The Moral Fibre
Posted by: Inc | 2004/10/13

Thank you
I'm off to the doc now... don't know when I will be back.
Take care people!

Reply to Inc
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/10/13

Aai toggie, vrou ek wens ek kon raad gee - of IETS doen om te help, ek kan nie... but we are all here and we all do care and do miss if you don't post !

I think the CS will really be the only guy who could even begin to help you :-) *hug*

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/13

Oh Inc, my heart goes out to you, I am so sorry you have to endure this now. I unfortunately don't have any words of advice for you and I know all the cliches aren't going to help but know that I am thinking of you.

Reply to Beyond Tired

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