Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2009/03/25

Thinking too much

Hi CS,
Thanks for the feedback last time. I know I have been through a lot in my life but it feels to me as soon as I make headway, something goes wrong. I cannot now make it to my psychologist or psychiatrist as the vehicle borrowed to me has packed up, I wrote my off last year during a spell for which I also have no recollection and was very fortunate not to have gotten hurt and no-one else was involved.
What happened recently, the ex showed up in January and started working near my workplace. His boss asked me to let him stay by me and the guilt made me give in. Why I feel guilty when it comes to this man I have no idea. I knew there were going to be problems but wanted to do as an ostrich and stick my head under the ground.
Things did go horribly wrong and that was when I ended up in Denmar. He visited me and told me I was pregnant, the doctors did a test and I was, but then a couple of days later I miscarried and since have been sterilised. Never a dull moment.
I wonder now why we are living as I still don' t see any value in it. We all strive to one day have eternal life, but what for, who wants eternal life if life as it is now is not worth it, why would one want to live where everything is what you want, you have everything, what will the challenge be, what age would you be, what would your memories be and what and who would be your friends, if you were married more than once, which husband would you be wish, would your grandparents be your grandparents and your parents your parents, it just doesn' t make sense to me. I guess I shouldn' t think like this, but it just really doesn' t make any sense to me.
We work, for what, so that you can survive, why, you don' t have much time for anything, except work, home where you have to work some more, you go to school, perhaps study further just to work to earn money to survive, why? We all are going to die sometime and all we are going to have of life it school, study, work and work some more, perhaps you make it to retirement, but then again, what for, to sit and watch your grandchildren go through everything you went through, and again I ask what for?
Sorry if I am pessimistic, but I cannot fathom why we are bothering with anything. I know I won' t stop doing what I am doing so that my kids can live but I still don' t see the value and I cannot seem to be positive about it. I try to get the joy from my kids, from watching them, but then I feel sorry that they are going to go through life at all.
Take care

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello BT, Good to hear from you again. I know what it is to be immobilized. Very frustrating in so many ways.
Your ex ( I don't know what other skills he has ) is a genius at making you fel guilty when you have no reason for guilt. Him staying with you seems it will never be a good idea, and always seems to bring problems. Sorry to hear about the Denmar episode, and the sterilization, though that may prove to have been a wise decision.
Hopefully eternal life, if it comes, will not merely be an endless repetition of THIS life, or it wouldn't be at all appealing, and would be totally pointless. But all religions I know of which believe in an afterlife, see it as dramatically iferent from and better than, this one. I tend to agree with your outline of the problems of conceptualizing such an afterlife --- the rules might need to be rather complex. I suspect the answer would lie in the "very diferent" aspect of this ; and by asuming our structures would apply, we might be missing the point.
Similarly, as is often the case in Depression, I feel you may be missing some of the points of life as we know it, though you could re-dicover these. Life has to be about more than just living -- hat seems to be what you're saying, and I'd agree. And you haven't yet found what that more needs to be, that brings meaning to the process. That's what my old friend Viktor Frankl was always talking about, about the central importance of Meaning in life. We can accept any form of life so long as we can find it meaningful. And we have to find what, for us, gives meaning.

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Our users say:
Posted by: depressed | 2009/03/26

i totally agree with you bt i feel the same i have major depression as well but off meds right now if i had no child i dont think i wil be here today, i feel lke my life is just worthless and not any diffrent good job pretty pretty child same issues and all that so what, at the end of the day, i think this is not going anywhere,

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